Calm Like a Bomb

Shepard sat at the mess hall table, stirring her leftover noodles with a plastic fork. She knew he was there, at the other end of the table, doing something similar to his uneaten food. Had this not happened, she'd be laughing with him about something or other already. A terrible guilt consumed her mind, piece by piece. The idle conversations of others were static in her ears.
"... and that's when Shepard says, 'Drink it, or I'll blind you one eye at a time!' You've sure got a mean streak going on, Commander," Garrus' mandibles flicked in what Bailie interpreted as an amused grin. She did the dance well. She smiled, nodded, and shrugged along with her companions right on cue. It wasn't as if her friends' recollections did not entertain her, but her attention was only half in the moment.
"I'm surprised it took them so long to fix the elevators yesterday," the turian mused to nobody in particular. "How long were you two stuck in there?" he asked.
"Too long," said Joker quietly as he poked at a bit of whatever it was he was eating. Bailie refused to look.
"Yeah, I've got guns to clean," she excused herself politely, turning on her heel from the table and clicking off towards the Armoury.
"Already done, Commander," Jacob started, but she was gone. The only eyes that followed her retreat were those of Dr Chakwas.

It was several days later when Shepard walked past the glass walls of the Medical bay that a wave of a hand caught her attention. Bailie smiled as she opened the door and stepped inside.
"Everything alright, Dr Chakwas?" Shepard's tone was friendly, but rushed. She never knew just how much downtime she had.
"Quite, Commander," the silver haired doctor gestured cordially to a chair beside her. Dr Chakwas was not one to summon Shepard unless there was something of grave importance that had made itself known. "I was wondering," she began, picking up a pen from her desk, "if you had a moment to talk?"
"How many types of cancer have I developed, and where is it?" Shepard asked with a lopsided grin. The older woman returned her gesture, and then sank coolly back into her chair.
"We never know when you might be called in to duty, Commander, so let me hone in on the point. You know that I know Jeff quite well, yes?" Chakwas' tone was non-accusatory, casual. Shepard paused.
"Yes," came the eventual answer.
"I saw him earlier today for his checkup and he seemed quite... distracted. Not a single off-colour remark," the doctor explained, spinning the pen idly in a practised fashion. Shepard cleared her throat quietly. "I know Jeff, and he always comes in with some clever thing or other that he's obviously been thinking of using all day. I'm never one to intrude upon your affairs, Commander," Dr Chakwas flicked her gaze out towards the mess table, an unconscious sign of what she was referencing. "However, if I may be so bold I cannot help but notice certain correlations between events and a kind of pervasive mood between the two of you," Chakwas' tone had become very delicate.

"I haven't the slightest idea of what may have transpired between you two, but I do know that whatever was said has affected you both a great deal. If I might dispense some advice, you ought to speak to him about it. Jeffrey... he holds you in very high esteem, Commander, and I get the feeling that you think the same of him," Chakwas was clearly choosing her words carefully, and Bailie tilted her head, disliking that the doctor's words were so open for interpretation.
"Of course I do, Doctor," Shepard nodded, and looked on attentively. Chakwas stopped fiddling the pen, then resumed in the opposite direction.
"Very high esteem, Commander," Dr Chakwas said as she turned towards her desk. Bailie looked at her own feet, feeling much like a teenager again.
"I'll bite, doctor. Did he say something to you?" she asked, shifting her gaze again towards the pen.
"Commander, as his attending physician I am not able to breach confidentiality. As his friend, however, I will say that it is precisely because he said nothing at all that I thought I might ask you?"
Shepard got up from the doctor's chair and politely excused herself.
"I'll speak with him, doctor. Thank you," she said as she walked out of the office, smoothing down the front of her overcoat.

Bailie took a deep breath. Something inside her did not want to confront Joker. Didn't want the rejection she knew was coming. After all, wasn't not coming with her that night clear enough? Perhaps there was a reason for that, but Bailie felt used. How could she turn away a burst of adulation from someone she had desired from just about the beginning? She had freely given Joker something she considered precious. She didn't let just anyone have their way with her. It had seemed pretty clear at the time, but Shepard felt a deep, stinging pang of cheapness and disapproval. Gritting her teeth and mentally kicking the part of her mind that told her to turn around, she walked purposefully to the cockpit, slowing down the closer she got. Her breathing had shallowed and gone silent, and she steeled her nerves to say something, only a few feet behind him.
"Haha, yeah and there's this bald chick who's made Engineering her little rats' nest or something. Sits down there staring at her tattoos all day and telling everyone to fuck off," He laughed, speaking to someone on his earpiece. "Yeah, I dunno. Chicks who shave all their hair off like that are always nuts,"

Bailie stopped mid inhalation. She was going to tap him on the shoulder and ask him to speak to her when done. Instead she ran a hand over her two millimetre long hairs, as if defending them from his words. Nuts? She let out her held breath in a frustrated choke. This was stupid. Maybe she was nuts. Getting involved with a crewmember didn't really work out so well last time, why should it be any different now? Both of them had been happy to get what they wanted from her and then just fucked off. There were rules against this sort of conduct for a reason. There were stories from her mother about this. Bailie's mother had cautioned her against loving crewmembers. Her father had been one, after all, and he'd just fucked off the moment Bailie's mother became pregnant. Shepard chided herself. She should feel lucky that she'd gotten away this lightly. But, as she looked over the lip of the galactic map and towards that single chair in the cockpit, she knew she wouldn't -- no, couldn't drop it.

Hours later, Bailie waited by the elevator doors on the Crew Deck. She knew that Joker was a creature of habit, and he always retired, like herself, much later than the rest. Shepard leaned her back against the wall, and after running over what she was going to say at least thirty times, she was rewarded by the clean whine of the elevator making its way down the shaft. The doors opened, and just as she had predicted, he was alone. Bailie caught him off guard, and soundlessly placed one arm at neck height against the wall, barring his path.
"Hey. I don't want to sound... nuts or anything," she hissed the words out like blocks of carved ice, and quietly relished his startled expression. He knew. "But you and me should probably talk," she said, her voice low, and much less aggressive than she had wanted it to be.

Shepard was a head shorter than he, but did her best to look imposing, doing what she always did when she faced her fear. Bailie kept her gaze on his eyes even as he looked away, and took a step to follow it.
"Come on, I exist, stop igoring me," she snapped irritably, his silence hurting her. "We need to talk about this!"
"There's nothing to talk about, Commander," Joker replied tersely.
"Don't give me that crap, Joker. I deserve a little more respect than this," she kept her voice quiet, and level, unable to catch his eyes. Why was he behaving like this? Why couldn't he just talk to her?
"You can't order me to talk about personal issues, Commander," he sneered at her.
"Look, I'm not down here as your fucking Commander. I'm not even part of the Alliance anymore, and neither are you. I might be in charge of this mission, but I'm just me. And you're just you," she whispered, taking her hand away from the wall. She could see where this was going, and it was as if a mule had kicked her in the stomach. He thought she was nothing. A cheap trick reeling from a breakup. His silence infuriated her.
"Fine!" she snarled, stepping back from him, her anger getting the better of her. Why was he such an impossible wall? Her throat squeezed in on itself hard as she attempted to retain her dignity. She wouldn't cry in front of him. "Be that way," she whispered harshly, despondent.
"Whatever, Commander," was his only response, and he turned away from her.
"I always had a thing for you, you know," Bailie quietly called after him, and, filled with rage and shame, she turned and left.