Barflies

“I’ve got it!” Roderick exclaimed as he hopped onto the barstool next to his compadre.

“Got what?” Allerdyce sighed/

“The answer to all your problems!”

“You got cancer?!” Allerdyce mocked.

“No silly! The answer to your financial woes!”

“Awww, ya went and robbed a bank for me! Thanks little buddy, I knew you’d come through eventually!”

“I didn’t rob a bank!”

“Then what good ARE you?”

“Well, I heard from a friend, who heard from a friend, who heard from his father, who heard from his second cousin’s brother’s father in-law’s barber’s tailor that there’s this kooky old nobleman in Stormwind keep…”

“A kooky old nobleman that’s a POLITICIAN?!?! My god man, you’re completely full of it!”

“Would ya let me finish?”

“Ok, fine, continue, I’m sure this WON’T get dumber by the minute….”

“Aaaaanyways, this guy’s paying 2,500 gold for a piece of jewelry from the body of Onyxia!”

“Wait… let me see if I didn’t misunderstand what I just heard. Because it sounded so dumb it might have put my brain in a state of shock…. 2,500 gold for a piece of jewelry from the body of ONYXIA?!”

“Yup!”

“Onyxia?”

“Yup!”

“The brood mother of the black dragonflight?”

“Yup!”

“Body jewelry?”

“Yup!”

“From HER body?”

“Yup!”

“I don’t know what bothers me more, the fact that someone would pay for that, the fact that you believed something that reeks of bullshit worse than a public toilet in Thunder Bluff, or that you’d actually CONSIDER attempting it.”

“But it’s 2,500 gold!” Roderick exclaimed, his eyes twinkling.

Allerdyce slapped the top of his bald head, before dragging his hand down his face to tug on his beard before groaning audibly.

“Roddy, in the untold years I’ve known you, you’ve come up with some of the most idiotic hairbrained schemes I ever heard. But today, today my friend you have trumped the infamous “Call Herod a homosexual necrophiliac who has sex with underage undead boys” idea. Kudos! May you celebrate with a fall down a flight of stairs.”

“So, does that mean you’re completely opposed to the idea?” Roderick queried as he peeled a peanut open in his hands.

“Ok, out of the sake of scientific curiosity I must meet this nobleman. I can’t explain it, but I want to meet him, just so I can slap the everloving crap out of his crazy ass.”

“STOP NAGGING ME!” Crane screamed at the empty stool next to him “I’LL PAY MY TAB WHEN THE LITTLE GREEN MONKEY STOPS BRANDISHING THAT KNIFE!” he then kicked the stool over and went back to his drink.

“That is one sick, sick night elf…” Allerdyce said as he shook his head. Reaching for his cloak the two walked out into the night.

The next day found the two in the den of an eccentric nobleman, eccentric being a nice way of saying weird or crazy.

“My name is Admiral James T. Kirkomerr! Captain of the sea vessel Eurippideas!”

“You are?!” Roderick said in awe.

“No he’s not you idiot! He’s Lord Malkeor Forborin. It said so on his mailbox, door, plaque, and that painting of HIM hanging over the mantle RIGHT THERE!”

“Oh, right!”

“Yes… Lord Malkeor…” The old man said with a distant look in his eyes. “I assume you boys are here about….. the reward” the last part he whispered at them with his hand to his mouth.

“Yeah…. I didn’t come here to talk politics with someone who should be locked in a small room away from normal people” Allerdyce said with a sigh, his impatience QUITE obvious.

“Splendid!” Malkeor exclaimed clasping his hands together. “All I require from you is a certain piece of jewelry from Onyxia” he explained.

“Any one in particular? Or should I just pick my favorite?”

“Alley, be nice! The man’s trying to tell us!”

“It’s a most unique piece!”

“It is?”

“Yes! I require you bring me the clit ring of Onyxia!” He declared, finger raised to the heavens.

Allerdyce shook his head, “Wait…what?! Her CLIT ring?”

“Yes man! Do you not understand Common?!”

“What the hell do you want THAT for?!”

The old man leaned in close, motioning for Allerdyce to follow.

“It’s the secret of all her powers!” he whispered, nodding as he leaned back.

“Yes…..her pierced clitoris is what makes her so formidable….nothing to do with the fact she’s a goddamn DRAGON”

“Oh pish posh man! I kill dragons every day in my garden! Without that ring she’d be no more than an over grown salamander! I’d have no trouble stealing her soul for my collection!”

“……riiiiiiight….”

“Bring me the ring and I’ll give you this!” Malkeor motioned to a sizeable chest in the corner. Opening the lid, Allerdyce’s eyes grew wide as inside was more gold than he’d ever seen in his life. Roderick found himself lifting his jaw from the floor as well.

“That is a shitload of money…”

“I’ll have no need for material possessions when I rule the dragons!”

“Yeah… sure….we’ll do it”

Roderick hummed a merry tune as the two walked through the streets of Stormwind City. Allerdyce was busy scoping out the scene, winking at any female who crossed his path. The girls usually scoffing or rolling their eyes. The two came to a dead stop as a dark haired female walked by. Her presence exuding authority and power. Roderick gaspe in awe as he nudged his friend in the ribs. “Omigod! Omigod! Alley, you know who that is?!”

“My future wife?” He said as he blew the woman a kiss. She shot a look at him that could kill a worgen.

“No! That’s Lady Prestor! WOOOOOW! I can’t believe I saw Lady Prestor! Wait ‘till I tell ma!” He piped.

“How IS your mom?”

“She’s good! Asked about you the other day!”

“Did she?”

“Yeah! “Are you still hanging out with that deadbeat Allerdyce?” she asked!”

“Hehehe, such a card… How’s your sister doin?”

Roderick stopped in his tracks, turning to Allerdyce. “That’s not funny!” Allerdyce just started howling in laughter. “Seriously! Not funny! Totally not funny! Stop laughing! I mean it! Stop! Alley, stop laughing!”

Allerdyce hung his head over the side of the ship, by the sounds and heaving, it was obvious he wasn’t a sailor.

“Seasick? Alley?” Roderick asked, patting his back.

“No Roderick…. I’m admiring the paintjob they did on the boat…”

“Really?! Let me see!” He peeked over the edge just in time to witness the next salvo from Allerdyce’s upset stomach. The sight causing the little gnome to gag himself.

“Oh that’s really gross Alley!”

The boat finally docked in Theramore. After a quick tour and a visit to Jaina Proudmoore, where Alley promptly made an ass out of himself. They were thrown out of town with explicit instructions to never come within breathing distance of Lady Proudmoore again.

“Can you believe that?! She called me a sexist pig! ME!” Allerdyce fumed.

“You said “I like that dress, it shows off your luscious breasts”, what did you expect?” Roderick asked.

“It was a compliment! I mean if you’re going to wear clothes that practically leave them hanging out for all to see, you should be a little more receptive to appreciative compliments and observation!”

“Alley, you were drooling for the love of Pete!”

“What can I say, I’m a big fan of the female body…”

“So where to now? All I know is Onyxia has a lair here in Dustwallow SOMEWHERE!”

“Well, from what I hear from the locals, the southeast is crawling with dragonkin, so I’m thinking that’d be our best bet.”

Three days later the two were still stumbling through the swamp…

“I swear to the gods, if I see one more friggin spider or crocolisk I’m going to freak! Literally! Just going to freak out and lose my damn mind!”

“Oh relax Alley! It’s not that bad, I actually think the place is kinda cool!”

“Yeah, that’s why you’re an idiot.”

“Oh wow! Look at that!” The gnome pointed to a mountain in the distance, the rock taking the shape of a dragon’s head, it’s gaping maw the entrance to a cave. “You think she lives there?” Roderick asked.

“No… there’s no way a dragon could possibly live in a cave shaped like a dragon… I think it’s an orcish health spa. Let’s go see if we can get a facial and a rubdown from an orc with a lisp named Bruce!”

“Really? An orcish health spa? How cool! I bet they have a whirlpool! Maybe a sauna! Or…or…or a swimming pool! Oh I love swimming pools! Maybe it has a diving board too!” Allerdyce promptly smacked the gnome in the back of the head.

“You make me think horrible, evil thoughts Roderick. Thoughts that would make your mom cry.”

“Don’t make mom cry!” He gasped. “Oh, by the way, she invited you to dinner this weekend, making her famous Sprigglesprocket Stew!”

“Nice! Will Pixil be there?” He asked with an evil grin, Roderick merely glared at him.

The two finally reached the entrance to the cave, inside they could see torchlight. Someone, or something, was at home. They snuck inside, creeping quietly in the dark, Roderick leading the way, he clung to the shadows, invisible to the naked eye.

“Where are you Roddy? I can’t see!”

“Over here!”

“Over where? OW!”

”Shhh!”

“Sorry! I kicked something! I can’t see a goddamn thing!”

The gnome lit a match, his suddenly illuminated face causing Allerdyce to shout out in fright.

“ASSHOLE!” he whispered “Warn me before you do that!”

“Sorry Alley, just wanted to help you see.”

“It’s fine, I just tripped on something.”

Roderick brought the flame down to illuminate the charred bones of some poor humanoid. Judging by the charred wall behind the bones, the flesh had been blasted off the thing.

“That has got to fucking hurt….”

“I dunno Alley, I’m pretty sure he died real fast.”

Allerdyce just frowned at him. “This is all your fault…. I can’t believe I’m doing this. If we live through this I’m kicking you right square in the balls. Hopefully I’ll prevent you from breeding and save Azeroth from Apocalypse.” Roderick just grimaced.

The pair creeped through the dark until they came upon the sight of one of Onyxia’s warders. The massive dragonkin was dressed in full battle armor, the tip of his shapened polearm gleaming menacingly in the torch light. The creature stood with his back to the two, oblivious to their presence.

“I think he’s asleep.”

“What? How can you possibly know?!”

“Well… he hasn’t moved or attacked us yet Alley.”

“Maybe because he’s waiting for us to get too close, THEN he’ll kick our asses!”

“Shhh!”

“Don’t “shh!” me you pint sized putz!”

“You’re gonna wake him up!”

“He’s not asleep!”

“Yes he is!”

“How do you know?”

“Just watch…” Roderick snuck out of the shadows, slowly approaching the Warder. Allerdyce watched in terror, motioning for his friend to come back, mouthing numerous obscenities without making a sound. Roderick just motioned for him to calm down. Standing before the Warder Roderick had to snicker, the great beast was sleeping, his head drooped downwards, eyes shut, a trail of drool came from his mouth and ran down the chest of his armor. His breathing deep and slow, snorting every once and a while. Roderick motioned for Allerdyce to continue down the tunnel, pointing at the warder as if to say “see!”. Allerdyce began to tip toe past the massive creature, nearly tripping over himself when the Warder shifted his weight and sniffled, before resuming snoring.

Finally the two came to the main chamber, and there before them lie Onyxia. The dragon was huge… scratch that.. she was gigantic. Allerdyce silently swore and kicked dirt around as he pointed to the sleeping dragoness.

“You gotta be fuckin kidding me! How’re we gonna get her clit ring?! We’re doomed! We’re fucking doomed!”

“Just calm down! It could be worse!”

“Worse?!” Allerdyce grabbed Roderick by the ear, dragging him to the edge of a nearby pit, inside lie hundreds of thorny eggs. “Do you know what the fuck those are?!”

“Owww…. Yes! Would you please relax and let go of my EAR?!”

“What’s the plan?”

“I dunno… let’s just scout out the ring, we’ll figure it out.”

The two tip toed across the cavern to the dragoness’ backside. There nestled between her back legs they could see her sex, and hanging from it was a large gold ring. An emerald the size of Allerdyce’s hand twinkled in the firelight.

“I’ll be a troll’s dentist… the old man was telling the truth…” Allerdyce gasped. The two locked eyes and a pair of huge grins formed on their faces. They were going to be rich! The grins quickly fading as the two began to ponder how to get their treasure. Allerdyce rubbed his chin, eyebrow cocked as he thought. Roderick paced back and forth, seemingly running through a mathematical equation as he added numbers in the air.

Suddenly the great dragoness stirred. “Windsor your mistress demands you please her…” she mumbled before turning in her slumber, rolling over onto her back, her massive legs splaying open. Allerdyce stuck out his had and Roderick jumped up and the two exchanged a high five. Roderick moved towards the snoozing body of Onyxia when Allerdyce stopped him. Allerdyce pointed to himself, then Onyxia. Roderick nodded. Allerdyce then pointed to Roderick, his own eyes, then pointed towards the entrance to the cavern, signaling for his friend to watch for trouble. Roderick flashed a thumbs up.

Allerdyce creeped ever so carefully to Onyxia’s backside, and straddling her tail, put himself in position to remove her ring. Wiping his mouth with his left hand he stared at the brood mother’s jeweled vagina. It was a simple slit about 4 feet long, the only visible part of her sex being the aforementioned pierced clit, easily the size of a melon. Reaching out with unsteady hands he seized the ring in his hands, watching her face for any sign of life in the dragoness’ face. Seeing none he smiled, the smile was short lived however as he began to express confusion at how to remove the ring, not seeing any clasp or pin. Tentatively he tugged at it, gentle at first, but his impatience got the better of it and he began to jerk at it, muttering a string of profanities.

Onyxia groaned in her sleep before muttering something along the lines of “why not take a closer look Windsor?”. Her hand was on him in a flash. Roderick turned from watching the mouth of the cave only to do a double take at the sight of his best friend buried up to his knees in Onyxia’s pussy, her hand holding him inside her as she muttered incoherently, Allerdyce’s legs flailing. She began to pump Allerdyce in and out of her rapidly dampening sex, using him as a living dildo.

Roderick stood frozen in place as he watched his buddy being abused by Onyxia. Allerdyce called out to him as his head momentarily came free from her spasming orifice. Choking for air he shouted as loud as he could without waking her. “HELP ME! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HEL*MMMMMPH*” his cries cut off as he was stuffed back inside. Roderick could only run in circles desperately searching the room for an answer to their dilemma. “Roddy! He-eh-eh-eh-elp meeee” Alley sobbed “She smells soo bad!” Their conversation coming between plunges.

“Why are you just standing there?!”

“What should I do?! I dunno what to do!”

“KILL HER YOU FOOL!”

“with what?!”

“I don’t care! Just make it sta-ah-ah-ah-op” he pouted.

The episode went on for several more minutes, Onyxia’s tail squirming as her hips raised off the ground to meet her “lover” ‘s “thrusts”. The whole time Allerdyce was sobbing and whimpering while Roderick just stood looking on in terror, gnawing his fingers.

Small plumes of flame burst from Ony’s nostrils as her breath quickened, her head thrashing back and forth as she enjoyed this most pleasing dream. Still mumbling about some love of hers. Stuffing Allerdyce ankle deep into her tunnel one last time, she bolted upright and sent a massive jet of flame up to scorch the ceiling of the cave. Roderick just duck and covered as the brood mother roared in extasy. Her eyes flew open as she stared at the ceiling, unable to move as her body was wracked with spine tingling pleasure.

Finally she caught her breath, panting audibly as she lowered her head to look between her legs. Her hand slowly moved from her pussy as a curious look was etched on her face. Sticking out of her slit she could see two tiny feet as they churned back and forth, muffled cries sending vibrations through the walls of her now satiated vagina.

Pinching one foot between her fingers she gently tugged on it, slowly freeing the drenched, trembling form of Allerdyce, his face white as snow, his eyes open wide, seemingly frozen in a state of panic. He kept muttering about fish and the walls closing in.

Dangling him before one of her amber eyes, she roared in fury, pupils narrowing to focus on the abused human. “Intruder in my lair! IN MY BODY!” Allerdyce’s hands clasped together as he begged for mercy. Roderick scampered across the floor as he tried to get to his feet and run. Onyxia was a bit faster, her free hand reaching out and scooping him up to hold him before her other eye. “Two of you! Two FILTHY little perverts! How dare you break in here and violate my body! Punishment is in order pitiful mortals!” She said, an evil grin spreading across her maw.


Allerdyce sat on his usual stool, he was unusually quiet. He’d twitch involuntarily every once and a while. Everyone was looking at him with curiosity and concern. Even Brock had stopped gnawing on his bone to look at Allerdyce, his head cocked he let out a nervous whine. Cosette swallowed hard and took a step forward, tapping Allerdyce on the shoulder, her voice cracked as she spoke “You’re awful quiet Alley…. Can I get ya something?”. Allerdyce slowly turned his head to look at Cosette, his face a painful mask of exhaustion, dark rings circling his eyes. Somberly he shook his head and turned back to face the bar. Cosette looked at Huckmet and shrugged, he shrugged back and gently patted Brock on the head. Roderick entered the bar, also noticeably silent, his feet pattering as he shuffled across the floor. Climbing up his stool he motioned to Wade, who promptly filled a mug for him, sliding it towards Roderick as he stared at the gnome with a cocked eyebrow. Roderick sipped and began talking with his friend.

“Hey…”

“Hey…”

“So… you ok?”

“Yeah…. I think so… I dunno...I've seen things....things no man should see..”

“Yeah...me too....OH! I heard the good news, Lady Prestor forgave you of all your tax debt. Good news!” Roderick piped up, changing the subject.

“Yeah!” The two seemed to loosen up a bit. “I’m a free man now, don’t owe anybody anything.”

“I was wondering Alley…”

“What’s that Roddy?"

“Are you gonna see Onyxia again, like she asked you?”

Allerdyce’s face slowly morphed into his trademark scowl. Reaching out with his right hand he smacked Roderick in the back of the head, causing the gnome to spill beer all over his face.

“Owwwww! What was that for?!” Roderick whined, his face dripping, one eye squinted shut.

“I’m hoping if I hit you hard enough I’ll either jump start your brain or KILL YOU!”

The bar came to life again, the gentle murmur of dozens of conversations, a hint of laughter here and there. Wade could only shake his head and begin counting the till.

“You two never change.”