UB3: Greek Irony

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Universe Backstabber 3: Greek Irony

By Harley Quinn hyenaholic

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Vector: You know, there's something about your fanfics I can never understand, Harley. Who exactly is doing the backstabbing here?

Me: I think it's me.

Vector: And what's this title mean? Greek Irony? What's that?

Me: It's when the readers know the answers - at least, some of the answers - at least, the readers who have been reading my other works and have been paying attention. The rest of you lazy, unappreciative gits will have to wait till nearer the end before you find out the answer.

Vector: And why the hell did this take so damn long for you to get up when you already had it up on your computer?!

Me: Uh... computer problems? Yes, that;s a good excuse, my computer is always fucking me up...

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Chapter 3: Analysis and Deduction

It's early the next morning, and we're regrouping at headquarters now. Charmee is handing me the files he picked up from the police station, "I photocopied them and put them back," he says gleefully, "That way we can keep these copies as long as we want. And these tapes of his interview too!" he holds them out gleefully.

"Well done, Charmee," I answer, flicking through them, "We can analyse them properly later."

"I couldn't give Sonic a proper going over," Vector says, almost apologetically, "Knuckles was there, and he would have said something. Or maybe he would have just hit me a lot."

"Okay, but you turned on the tape recorder before you started talking, right?" I ask.

"Sure, you did the same when you were interviewing Cream, right?"

"Oh, yeah. Here it is," I say, and then remember something, "But, there's a problem. Sonic showed up just before I could get in. He went in, had some sort of argument with Cream, and came out. When I went in, she was all upset. But this is what she said to me..."

"Espio? Uh... come in?" Cream's voice.

"Cream... I..." my voice sounds hesitant, almost reedy, on the tape, "I came over to see how you're coping."

Cream sniffles, "S-sorry I'm such a wreck, Espio... I just... miss Tails..."

"I think we all do," I reply, "Just... just hold on, okay? Everything's bound to turn out fine. It'll come out in the wash, or whatever."

"But Tails is dead, Espio!" she sobs.

"Listen... what do you remember from when you were rescued by Sonic?"

Cream sniffles on the tape again, "Not much. Robotnik captured me and held me hostage. Then Sonic came to rescue me. And I found out that Tails was in there too. I got out first, then Sonic rescued Tails... only he didn't. Tails didn't get out..."

Cream bursts into full on tears, "Come on, Cream," I say, "Er... who an itsy witsy den?"

I hear Vector and Charmee snigger behind me.

"I am just turned 15, you know. There's no need to be like that."

"Come on, Cream, it'll work out, we're Team Chaotix!" Cream giggles, "There, see? It'll sort out all by itself."

"That's it?" Vector asks as the tape stops running.

"Sorry, that's it," I agree, "What about your interview with Sonic?"

"Sure thing. Like I said. Knuckles was there, I'd have gotten better results without him..."

"Just tell me, start to finish, what happened." That's Vector's voice.

"Why does everybody keep bringing this up?" That's Sonic, "First the cops, then Nack Weasel comes over here, and now you!"

"Wait a minute, I didn't know Nack was bulldozing him about it-" I start. Vector and Charmee shush me.

"I need to hear it again," Vector says on the tape, "So that-"

"You think I murdered him or something?" Sonic yells, "Yeah, that's what you think, isn't it?!"

"Now look what you've done," says Knuckles.

"No... no, I can handle this," Sonic says, "Tails and Cream... they were captured by Robotnik... and he said if I didn't come alone, he'd have them both killed... Well, of course it was a trap. But I had to go. I broke Cream out first, and then I tried to save Tails... but he was already pretty badly beaten up. When we were on our way out, he couldn't keep up with me. He... he got shot... in the back... SWATbots... blood everywhere... he told me to not worry about him... to just run..."

Sonic bursts into tears noisily, "Happy now?" Knuckles asks Vector.

"Yeah, I'm real happy I made one of my friends cry like a little girl."

"Don't let the door hit your tail on the way out," Knuckles adds.

"Right,"I say, as the tape ends, "So what more do we know from Sonic? We know that Nack came over and talked to Sonic about Tails' death. That's gotta mean something."

"We know that Sonic's on the verge of a nervous breakdown!" Charmee squeaks.

"He's saying that Cream was broken out first, and he tried to break out Tails, but Tails couldn't keep up because he'd been beaten up, and he told Sonic to run," says Vector.

"That's odd!" says Charmee, "Sonic's carried Tails out before! He never seemed to be the type to leave someone behind just because they told him to!"

"Yeah, point taken, Charmee," I say, "I'll have to go and see Cream again. Get some more details."

Charmee waves the police interviews in front of me, "Or we could read these!" he says.

I snatch them from him, "Yeah."

I look at the reports. Vector is craning over my shoulder and Charmee is buzzing over my head - good old Charmee; I can trust him to have not read the original on his way over.

"Okay, Cream's statement first," I say, reading the script, "Here it's quite a different story. It wasn't Sonic who broke her out, it was Tails. And there's some things in here about..." my face twists up, "Her being molested by Robotnik. She cried a lot then. And she's very, very vauge on Tails' kidnapping. She says she was locked up in a room, and then he came in and broke her out, and told her to run when he was shot by SWATbots."

"What about Sonic?" asks Vector.

"His statement is pretty similar. He says that he recieved a private message from Robotnik-"

"Which he didn't tell any of us about," Charmee points out.

"One of those dreadful self-destructing Bokkun. Natrually. And it told him that if he didn't come at once, Tails and Cream would die. And he goes on a lot about his own bloody heroism and so on, and suddenly there's this very small part about a dreadfully beaten-up Tails rescuing him, and not making it out with him. And he doesn't mention much about Cream's rescue either."

"It matches Cream's statement," says Vector, "But it doesn't... add... up. You know what I'm saying? Especially the part about Cream saying Tails rescued her, but Sonic saying he did it. And then Cream's statement changing after Sonic went to see her. What was that about?"

"Maybe he scared her!" says Charmee.

I nod, "One of them is lying. Maybe both of them. Something isn't right here. The whole thing is like... like they sat down together and tried to work out a good story for the cops, then they forgot some of what they said, so they said it differently for us."

"We really need to talk to them both, again. Alone."

"I know we've got a lot of questions to ask Sonic and Cream," I say, "But I'd really rather that we knew what they are, because otherwise we'll be going round there saying 'Was it you who did it?'."

"Oh, yeah," Charmee says suddenly, almost as an afterthought, "Do you know who else was in the police station?!"

"Jolly Old Saint Nick?" I ask absentmindedly.

"No! Nack!" Charmee does a loop-the-loop of excitement, "That's how I found the files so easily! I just bashed him on the head and took them! Then I dumped him in the alleyway outside! Can't have the wrong people looking for these files!"

I stop and look up at Charmee, "Nack was looking for these files? Why?"

"Don't know! Didn't ask!" Charmee is grinning inanely.

Vector looks thoughtful, "You know what I heard in a bar last week?" he says, and doesn't wait, "I was having a conversation with Skagga Me A Ring, and he told me that Didn't Do It Dudley heard that Sniper Jimmy found out that Nack let slip that his sister has just had a baby boy."

I don't look up, "And that has what to do with this?" I ask.

"Well, Skagga also said that what with being a friend of the late Tails, I might like to know that word's got around that the baby has two tails."

I blink, "Ah."

"And that furthermore, nobody seems to know who the father is. Not even Nic and Nack seem to know. Word's getting around that she was raped..." Vector's face twists up in disgust.

"Well, maybe we should go pay a visit to the Weasels," I say.

"There's a problem with that, Espio," says Vector.

"There are no problems, Vec. There are only opportunities."

"Okay, Espio. And the opportunity is to find out where Nack lives."

I blink, "Damn! Don't we know?"

"People see him around, but... he wouldn't tell us where he lives. He doesn't even tell his clients where he lives. We don't even know his regular hangouts - I've heard he goes to a lot of strip joints and bad bars, but that's all, and it's not like we're short of them in the city either."

"Right..." I sigh, and look out of a window. The only reason Nack would pay Sonic a visit about all this would be if he thought something was up with it too."

"I bet he can give us some questions to ask!" says Charmee.

"If we ever find him..." I say, disconsolantly.

I notice someone playing music outside the window, and look outside. The player of music is a Chao, while another Chao, barely out of its egg, is trying to dance to it. Suddenly, the two of them fly away.

"Too many of those bloody Chao around too," I mutter.

~~~
End of Chapter 3

Me: Aw, hell! Writing this chapter was like tying my brain in a knot! And I'm not too easy on the next chapter either! Writing a good Chaotix fic is hell, I can't wait to get back to my normal rape and incest...

Charmee: How the hell could it be difficult? Half of it was in the last chapter!

Me: Well, typing out all the italics wasn't easy.

Charmee: And you're always spelling my name wrong too.

Me: Better to be consistant than correct. If I say it loud enough, people might believe I'm right!