Can't Let You Go

            Anders had arrived at the estate still with doubts this wasn’t some sort of trick to get him to come, but when the door opened to countless tired and worn face, his own sense of dread compounded.  If he had been honest with himself, he would have seen in yesterday had he taken a moment to look at Fellon’s eyes. 

            Fellon had led him upstairs after barely more than a grunt of acknowledgement in greeting.  The vague warning giving at the door about Douglas’ state before it was pushed open from its splintered frame did nothing to prepare him.  “He’s… not good,” might have been the understatement of the century, or at least in Anders’ lifetime, as he bypassed a rising Bethany to enter the large bedroom.  Just from the back, Anders could tell the t-shirt Douglas wore hung on him instead of being filled out and the normally short hair had grown a couple of inches, the natural curl that was usually cut out taking over.  If it wasn’t for everything else, it might have been cute, but Anders finally made it around the bed.

            Douglas was out, which in of itself was odd for this time of day, but the way his body sagged, the slack of it, told another story entirely. Anders muttered a prayer or a curse, he wasn’t even sure himself, too shocked to register he had said anything at all.  The carefully trimmed goatee had devolved into a jagged mane of very short scruff. His skin, although always pale, lacked its normal glow of vitality and had grown pallid and hollowed.  Anders was glad for the closed eyes, having no doubt they probably looked as haunted as the rest of him.

            Anders almost reached out to grab a limp hand to assure himself it was not cold, to smooth the wild hair, to cry into mattress before the comatose man, but he remembered the siblings near the door and choked on the sob instead, looking up.

"Like I said," Fellon's voice was unusually soft, even though he knew Douglas was too far under to hear. "Not good." He swallowed once, glancing between his brother and the blond doctor. "I hope bringing you in isn't too little too late."

Anders wanted to scream it was too late; how could they let this happen? What the fuck was wrong with them and this family that they would allow their brother to get into such a state? All he could do was stand there and tremble with rage and possibly a good amount of fear. He barely flicked his gaze toward Bethany as she explained what they had done. He looked back at the man upon the bed, unable to bear the siblings in the room a moment longer.

Fellon opened his mouth a few times to say something, anything. Ultimately, all he could do was stand in silence as Bethany explained the current situation, and offered only a brief resistance before allowing his little sister to lead him out of the room, leaving his brother's life in Anders' hands.

*   *   *

            Douglas roused sometime around noon, rolling over to check who his babysitter was this time.  Seeing who it was, he rolled back, giggling, "Whatever you did to me this time, do it again. Although a tinge more would probably be good.  I'm picturing Anders, but he's frowning at me; a smile would be nicer."  He hummed happily at the image, snuggling back down into his bed and pillows. "He's so beautiful when he smiles." 

No one answered him for several seconds, and knowing he hadn't been left alone yet, he looked back over, still seeing the blond doctor with a deep frown but also appearing thin and distraught.  Douglas brow furrowed in confusion. "Anders?"

            There wasn't an answer, and Douglas started thinking he finally had fully lost it, flopping over on his back.  Maybe he was dreaming. He closed his eyes before reaching under the covers and pinching his own thigh; it hurt.  Wonderful, I'm seeing things now.  "You shouldn't have come." Real or imaginary, the statement would still apply.

            "I'm almost inclined to agree."

            Douglas slightly sighed in relief, so he was not completely insane and glad they had got him into a bath that morning in between the rounds of drugs."So why are you here?"

            "I talked to your twin."

            "Fellon asked you to come?" His still closed eyes' brows arched in amazement.  It took a few seconds for his dazed mind to register what Anders had said, and his eyes popped back open. "...Wait..."

            "Another family secret I seem to have earned the privilege of learning."

            "Highly.  Besides actual family, only a handful know."

            There was silence for a minute, and when Douglas glanced at Anders for a second, he was still being watched with a frown.  Finally, the blond asked, "Why did you do it?"

            Douglas opened his mouth to say something, but only squeaked, and rolled away back to his side, swallowing hard with his heart pounding. He had wanted to explain his actions the whole time, now he couldn't bring himself to say anything.  After it was clear an explanation wasn't forthcoming, Anders went on, "Fellon told me what happened to his face."

            Douglas tensed; that was not what he was expecting. Of all the things he didn't want Anders to know, that was number one.  There was shifting on the bed, and Douglas' heart pounded harder.  He couldn't look at Anders, and as much as he wanted to cuddle, he wasn't sure he could.  He about fell off the mattress when something brushed against him, but when Anders’ settled, his back was pressed against Douglas'.  Sighing in mild relief, they both relaxed into it.  They were silent for a few minutes, but Anders broke it with, "We don't have to talk now. I'm not going anywhere."

            Words were still strangling Douglas, but he did nod vaguely as if Anders could see him.  They lay like that for a long time with Douglas drifting in and out of sleep, but always surprised there was still a back pressed against his when he woke.  By mid-afternoon a thought occurred to him, and he about rolled over on top of Anders, saying panickedly, "You can't tell anyone about Fellon being my twin, especially not Nathaniel."            

            Anders had turned his head to look at the sudden flurry of movement, finding Douglas looked desperate and scared. "I wasn't going to tell anyone." Douglas relaxed slightly.  "I'm not going to pretend to understand what is going on within your family, maybe it is my lack of one, but I assume there are reasons you all do what you do."

            Douglas rolled back over on his back, staring at the ceiling. "My siblings and I learned a long time ago the only ones that were going to protect us was us."

            Anders held his position, lowering his head back to his bent arm, "But your parents..."

            "They are the ones that started all of this!"  Anders remained silent. Douglas had never said anything against his parents before, possibly because they were gone.  Douglas' voice shook slightly, "They sent Fellon away to military school over something I started.  We were fighting, and I grabbed a knife, cutting his face on accident.  I tried to run away, but he lunged at me and I fell on top of it, and they sent him away.  I tried to explain, but they wouldn't listen.  I tried to tell them something was wrong with Fellon… I could FEEL it, but they ignored me and tried to cover it up with medications." 

Douglas couldn't see the dawn of understanding starting to shine in Anders' eyes and continued.  He was near blubbering at this point, "It was all Father's idea in the first place, and instead of listening to me, he believed the school that Fellon was fine, and left him there!  And Mother thought she was helping us by keeping all our letters and severing any contact between us!"  Douglas was sobbing by now. "The only one who would listen to me was Bethany.  Do you know how much my own twin hated me because of this?  Still hates me?"

            "Fellon does not hate you."  A small part of Anders warred over just how true that statement might be.

            "How would you know?  He hates you, too."

            Anders was very glad they were not looking at each other at this moment from the slight burn he felt rising in his cheeks. "Who better to know than an expert then?  He got me to come here when I wouldn't listen, didn't he?"

            "That is a good point." Douglas calmed slightly. "How did he persuade you by the way?"  He almost snarled next, "He didn't threaten you, did he?"

            "No."

            "Sleep with you?"  Douglas chuckled through his tears at the absurdity of the thought.

            The burn in Anders’ cheeks intensified. "No," he muttered, absolutely grateful that wasn't a complete lie.

            "How did he then?"

            "He asked, and I finally realized it had to be serious for him to do that."

            Douglas didn't think that sounded like Fellon, but why else would Anders be here. "I guess that makes sense."  Douglas rolled back over on his side, pressing his back against Anders' again and settling back into silence.  They spent the rest of the day like that, only changing position when they ate still without a word. 

            After the room had grown dark, Douglas swallowed, saying softly, "I'm sorry I hurt you, Anders."  The blond didn't answer, but he did tense in response.  Douglas kept going, "They threatened Fellon, and once I found out what they wanted me to do, I tried to leave, but they had my gun and threatened him again.  I did not completely submit, and I did not enjoy it, but I couldn't let my brother get sent away again.  I thought… if I just got us through that one night, we could take care of it, but to keep me quiet, they threatened you with the same treatment, but I knew the end for you would not be the same.  I couldn't let that happen.  So, I kept my mouth shut until the day you called, and I was so out of my head, I spilled my guts.  To keep you safe, I tried to kill myself, but Fellon sensed it and stopped me.  I know he isn't going to stand idly by so..."

Douglas spit the last part out quickly like it made him ill, "So, you should leave.  You aren't safe here.  If they found out you came back, they will come after you.  You need to stay with Nathaniel, he'll keep you safe."  Douglas hopped from the bed and ran to the bathroom.

Anders heard through his shock Douglas getting sick.  After the vomiting had momentarily stopped, Anders followed him. "They really did hurt you, didn't they?"  Douglas nodded from over the toilet. Anders sank to the cold, hard marble floor, "But I hurt you worse."

            Douglas shook his head roughly, "No!  What you did was save yourself.  You need to do that again now."

            Anders went on like he didn't hear him, "I should have realized you would never do something like that to me, but I had to be a stubborn ass, only seeing what I thought I saw and not really seeing anything at all."

            Douglas lowered himself to the floor, looking at Anders. "You are being a stubborn ass now.  Listen!  You need to go!"

            "No!  I did that already, and you still tried to kill yourself."

            "But..."

            "But nothing, I knowingly work with criminals at least once a day.  Your brother tried to kill me, and we managed after.  I'm not going to keep hurting us both over some supposed danger which I highly doubt wasn't there from the start."

            "I will not let you do this.  There is an actual threat now."

            "It isn't your decision."

            "The hell it isn't!  This isn't some little street thug, this is the Coterie!  You aren't safe here with me.  They already got my parents, Anders. I won't let that happen to you, too!"

            "So, you'll just be alone for the rest of your life, because you're scared?"

            "I was alone for eleven years, what's another fifty or sixty?"

            Anders frowned. "Wow.  I'm glad to know I meant so much to you."

            "It's because you mean so much to me, I am ordering you to leave!"

            Anders frowned deeper and the men were silent for a minute. "Well, I highly doubt they are going to come after me here tonight.  Let's get you back to bed."

            Douglas sighed partly in disappointment, the other part relief Anders wasn't listening to him. "Alright."