Revered and Reviled

The Ebon Hawk blasted away from the Leviathan. "Get rid of those fighters on our tail!" Carth shouted.
She ran up to the turret, ignoring the questions and the searching stares. A standard flight of six fighters, in perfect formation. She had taught them that. It was efficient. It let them work together, or in smaller groups. Three couples or two triangles. It let them form social units around their team. When people trust each other, they work better together. She spun the turret, and fired six times. The ships exploded. Such bonds also made very distinct targets – if your opponent was using the Force to aim.
Patience climbed down to the main cabin, and sat at the table. T3 buzzed up to her, and beeped comfortingly at her. She patted the little droid on the head.
"Where's Bastila?" Jolee demanded. "What happened on that ship?"
Carth came out of the bridge. "We ran into Malak. He tried to kill us. He would have killed us, but… Bastila sacrificed herself so that we could get away."
"You mean – she's dead? She can't be dead!" Mission cried.
"Don't be foolish," Jolee scoffed. "Malak won't kill her. He'll want to use her Battle Meditation against the Republic. All he has to do is turn her to the Dark Side, and the Sith will always be victorious."
"We can't just leave her! We have to do something!" said Mission.
Patience looked up. Everyone was looking at her for guidance, everyone except for one person. He was looking at her with distrust and something else in his eyes – something unpleasant.
"There is something else we have to discuss," said Carth harshly. "Do you want to tell them, or should I?"
"Tell us what?" asked Canderous.
"Or do you think they don't deserve to know the truth? Just like all the other Jedi, protecting us with ignorance?"
"I don't care what Malak said!" Patience said quickly. "I'm not – I am not Revan. I'm Patience."
"Revan?" Mission looked at her, then at Carth. "Is this some kind of weird joke?"
"Are you going to say anything?" Carth demanded.
"Like what?" Patience asked wearily. "Should I repeat that part where I didn't know any more than you did half an hour ago? You're not going to listen to me anyway."
"The Jedi Council saved Revan from death, and she –"
"I thought Revan was a man," said Canderous.
Patience laughed. "Everyone did. That was the whole point of the mask."
"I also heard that Revan had golden hair. I always thought that was part of the myth."
"She dyes it," snapped Carth. "I can't believe I fell for your stupid story."
"Wait. So she – she's really Revan?" Canderous stared at Patience as if he'd never seen her before.
"Karath told me, on board the Leviathan, and Bastila confirmed it. So did Malak," said Carth grimly, remembering the Dark Lord's words.
Patience looked down at the table without speaking.
"Do you remember anything about being the Dark Lord?" asked Mission curiously.
Patience shook her head. "Just bits and pieces. Flashes, here and there." Something essential was missing, she knew that. But she didn't know what it was, and she didn't care. She didn't want to be Revan.
"So, what's the big deal?" Mission looked at Carth. "I mean, does it even matter? It's not like she's trying to be the Dark Lord reborn, or anything. Right?"
"Of course it matters!" Carth shouted. "How can we trust anything she says? How do we know she won't suddenly turn on us as she remembers more? The whole time we've been chasing down these Star Maps, we've had Revan in our midst, listening to every word we said. Our entire mission has been compromised!"
"I think you're overreacting a bit," said Canderous mildly.
"She's Malak's Master! Have you forgotten that?"
Canderous shrugged.
"Am I really the only one who has a problem with this?" Carth looked around.
Zaalbar growled.
"He says he swore a life-debt to the person she is now, not the person she was," Jolee translated.
"What about you, Jolee? You're a Jedi."
"I was a Jedi," the old man snorted. "But the Council makes too many damn fool decisions. Like trying to wipe the mind of the most powerful Force user the galaxy has ever seen, and expecting that it would work." He smiled at Carth. "Besides, I knew who she was all along. That really burns you, doesn't it, Flyboy?"
"You knew?" Patience looked at him in surprise.
"Of course I did. How do you think you two fools found the Star Map the first time? Wasn't my place to tell you, though." He looked at Carth again. "Seemed to me you were happier pretending to be somebody you weren't. Figured you would pick it up again eventually. I think you're better off knowing the truth, for what it's worth. Maybe someday you'll remember everything, and then it will all make sense again. For now, you're going to do what you have to do, and I'll just help out with that any way I can."
Carth shook his head in frustration.
"Juhani?" Patience looked at her. "What do you think?"
"I have never told you about how I escaped the slave markets on Taris, have I?" Juhani laughed softly.
"Slave markets on Taris?" said Carth in confusion. "What does that have to do with anything?"
Patience suddenly remembered. One of the short breaks in fighting. A quick run to Taris. The look on the Hutt's fat face when he realized that half the slaves and half the buyers were Jedi in disguise. A young Cathar girl crying for her dead mother, watching the Jedi who treated her like a sentient being for the first time in her life.
"You remember," said Juhani warmly. "How did that noble Jedi ever fall to the Dark Side? Perhaps that was the lie, and this is the true Revan before us now."
"Great," muttered Carth. "Let's just file that under 'Too obsessed to understand what's going on.'"
"Query: Is it still forbidden to chastise the impertinent meatbag?"
"What? Of course it is, don’t you dare hurt him!" Patience exclaimed.
"Observation: Master's memory still appears to be operating at less than optimal capacity."
She stared at the droid. "What? Wait." A suspicion that had been lurking in the back of her mind came to the fore. "How did you find me in the Shadowlands, anyway?"
"Clarification: I did not find you, Master, I went to the specified co-ordinates where the Star Map was located." The droid somehow managed to sound smug.
"You knew who she was, too!" Carth shouted.
"Statement: Of course I knew who my Master was. Clarification: Unlike Master, I was lying when I said that my memory had been damaged. Statement: It is a distinct pleasure to see you again, Master."
Patience stared at the droid. "HK-47. Hunter Killer. Revan's personal assassin."
"Greeting: Hello, Master."
"Well, at least now we know who would make a droid like that," Carth snapped. He glared at Canderous. "There's no point in asking you, you're probably overjoyed."
"And why wouldn't I be?" Canderous challenged. "Revan was the only one in the galaxy who ever bested the Mandalorians. She was the victor, it was her right to do whatever she wanted with the clans. There's never been anyone like her before, or will be again. How can you even ask if I will still follow her?"
"You're insane," said Carth flatly.
"Whatever you fight will be worthy of my skill. If I fall in battle, I know it will be a glorious death. I'll see this through with you, no matter how it turns out. If you turn to the white snow to cleanse your past, or if you take to the black water of your memories, I'm yours to the end."
Patience blushed slightly, and looked down at the table again, too uncertain of her mind to meet his eyes after such a declaration.
"And you just want to sleep with her!" Carth raged.
"Of course I do! I'm not blind, or stupid." Canderous shrugged. "I win either way."
"Ugh. Forget it." Carth stormed out of the main cabin, and went to the bridge.
Patience looked up from the table as he left.
Canderous sighed. "I'll be in the garage if you need a shoulder to cry on or something."
Jolee coughed. "I think I'll go to the medbay."
Mission headed to the galley. "C'mon, Big Z."
"I will go to the galley as well," said Juhani.
T3 zipped off to the engine room, and HK followed him silently.
Patience stared at the table again, trying to think. Should she go after him? Risk another betrayal?
Carth walked back into the room. He looked around, and saw that everyone was gone. "Are you going to say anything? Anything at all?"
"If you're going to jettison me out the airlock, please wait 'til I'm asleep. That's all I ask." She smiled at the look on his face. "What? You want me to disagree with you? Sorry, I think you're right. I think I am a danger. If this ship had a brig, I'd tell you to put me in it. With a good book, of course."
Some of Carth's anger melted away. What could he do? She wasn't yelling, or angry. She wasn't commanding or convincing. How could he fight against this quiet resignation, against this patient finality? "Was any of it real?" he asked bitterly. "Any of it at all?"
"I'm only sure about the parts where I told you I love you more than I need to breathe. Everything else is still up in the air."
Carth closed his eyes, trying to figure out his rage and his pain. "I can't. I'm sorry. Not yet."
"Of course not," she said softly, trying not to smile with joy. He hadn't said no.
"Everyone else seems to trust you. It's like I'm the crazy one here, for not wanting to trust the former Dark Lord of the Sith. But I don't really have any other choice, do I?" he asked angrily. "That's what gets me. I have to work with you, whether I want to or not." He looked at her again. "Why didn't you recognize your hands?"
Patience laughed shyly, and held her hands in front of her. "They're sunburned. And windburned. And calloused. And I haven't done my nails in months. Revan was very vain. You wouldn't believe how vain she was." She turned her hands over, marveling at how strange they looked. "Revan didn't like to look like she did any work."
Carth looked at her hands. There were bruises on her wrists from Malak's blows. Her nails were short, and chipped. There were grease stains from the workbench, small cuts from working on the engine, small burns here and there. Calluses from the tools and her lightsabers.
"She had the hands of a doll." Patience looked down at the table again. "Not a person."
"I'm sorry," said Carth simply.
"For what?" She didn't look up. "I told you, you're right. It is suspicious, and you shouldn't trust me."
"I know. That's why I'm sorry. I'm sorry it came out the way it did, and I'm sorry I'm reacting the way I am. I can't help it, and I know you deserve better. But I can't give it to you. Not yet. So, I'm sorry."
A small tear fell from her face, and landed on one of her hands.
"Patience – "
"Leave me alone!" She broke past him, and fled to her room. She threw herself down on the bunk, and lay there, sobbing out her pain and confusion.
She heard someone enter her room, but didn't look up. He lifted her from the bed, still sobbing, and sat down on the floor with her cradled in his arms.
"I don't want to be Revan!" she screamed through her tears. "I don't want to save the galaxy! I want to be a farmer's wife, and a mother, and make mudpies with my husband and my sons." She sobbed wildly, and Carth held her tightly, trying not to burden her with his own tears. "I'm sorry, Carth, I'm sorry I made you think it could be real. It's all a lie, just a stupid dream."
"I think it's a wonderful dream," said Carth gently. "It was more than I ever had before."
"You don't trust me," she sobbed. "You hate me!"
"No, I don't hate you," he sighed. "How can you think that?" He sighed again. "Besides all the yelling and the mean things I said, of course. It's just too much to take in at once, Patience. I don't know how to say what I feel. All I know right now is that I don't want you to cry like this because of me."
She sobbed, a little less heartbroken now. Just being in his arms was soothing and wonderful. "I thought I locked the door," she murmured between sobs.
"You did." Carth smiled to himself. "You also told me to leave you alone."
She looked up at him, trying to read his face.
"I wasn't listening," he explained. "You were being crazy and stupid."
Her eyes were very wide, and stared at him, too scared to speak, afraid that she would say the wrong thing and he would leave again. She sniffled again, acutely aware of how weak and pathetic she looked.
"You should try and get some sleep, Patience." His voice was gentle and warm, and he didn't want it to be. But she was beautiful. More beautiful now, in this moment of weakness and need, than she had ever been before.
"Will... will you stay here?" she asked hopefully.
Carth sighed, and gently stroked her hair. "Yes, I'm a weak, soft-hearted fool, totally beguiled by your wicked wiles. But they're such soft and lovely wiles," he grinned. "Yes, Patience, I'll be here."
She hugged him tightly, and held him close, still crying against his chest.
Carth waited for her to get up and return to the bed, but realized that she had fallen asleep in his arms. He sighed and sagged against the wall, still holding her to him. "I don't believe it. I don't believe you, Saul. Morgana loved me." He looked down at Patience - he couldn't think of her as Revan. "And so does Patience." Carth thought about getting up, and putting her on the bed so she would be more comfortable, but he didn't want to move. He held her close, and daydreamed about making mudpies by the lake and small boys running through fields of grain glowing golden in the sunshine, until he too fell asleep, lost in dreams so real he could almost touch them.

"Carth!"
"Mmm? What? What is it?" he asked drowsily.
"What is the baby playing with? Is that safe?"
"Huh?" Carth opened his eyes and looked around. He was lying on the floor, with Patience still wrapped around him. He looked down at Patience - he couldn't think of her as Revan, no matter how hard he tried. Her eyes were still closed, and she was breathing steadily. She was sleeping peacefully.
"The baby," she repeated impatiently. "What is that little fuzzy thing he's playing with? And don't you laugh at me for not knowing all the names of the animals on this backwards little mudball again, mister!"
"I - uh.... I can't see it from here," he said quickly. "Describe it."
She sighed impatiently, her eyes still closed, moving rapidly beneath the lids. She was asleep, but dreaming. Seeing. She described the little red-furred animal.
"It's a skittercat. They climb trees and eat bugs."
"It won't bite the baby, will it?" Her voice was soft and young and maternal - the worried voice of the new mother, familiar to males all over the galaxy.
"No, but it will try to steal the baby's food," he laughed.
"You're laughing at me," she pouted.
"I am not."
"Yes you are!" She hugged him tighter, and he could feel her love and happiness.
"All right, I am. I'm laughing at you, little woman. What are you going to do about it?" he teased.
She half sat up, moving in her sleep, her aim unerring as always, and kissed him warmly on the lips.
"Good answer," he said, breathless from her kiss, and kissed her back.
"Oh!" Patience suddenly pulled away from him, the spell of sleep broken. "What was I doing?"
"Kissing me," Carth explained, and yawned. "This floor is really uncomfortable."
"I - what?"
Carth made a non-committal noise, and sat up properly, still supporting a dazed and unsteady Patience.
"Weren't we fighting? Or something?" she asked nervously. Patience pushed her hair out of her eyes, and stared at Carth.
"It's really hard to take you seriously as Revan when you go on about things like mudpies and skittercats."
"What?"
"You were talking in your sleep," he explained. "You don't remember, do you? What were you dreaming about?"
"I do not talk in my sleep," she insisted.
Carth looked at her in surprise. "Yes, you do. You asked me what the baby was playing with. It was a skittercat, from the description."
She stared at him. "I what?"
T3 buzzed up and chirped insistently at Carth.
"What?"
"He says we're almost at Tatooine," Patience explained.
"Oh, so I should get up. Or something." He yawned, shifted slightly, and carefully untangled himself from Patience.
"Carth?"
"What?" He stood up, and shook himself. "Bleh. I need to wash up first. I wonder if there's any coffee?"
"Did I really do that?" she asked uncertainly. "I've never talked in my sleep before."
Carth tried not to laugh at her, and bent down to kiss her forehead. "We'll talk later. I have to go now."