Can't Let You Go

            Douglas tried to call Anders once on the way home and several times on Sunday when he could force himself to stay awake.  A message was always left, begging for a call back and saying he loved him.  Sunday night, Douglas snuck down stairs, grabbed another bottle of alcohol and returned to his room, placing it next to the two empty ones and silently cursing his high metabolism and tolerance.  He picked up the phone and lay back down as it started to ring.

            “Hello, Brother.”

            Douglas smiled slightly at the salutation, trying to keep his voice cheery, “Hi, Bethany.”

            “What’s wrong?”

            Of course he had failed, she could always read him. “Nothing, I’m just missing my baby sister.  How are you?”

            “I’m good.  How are you and Anders?”

            Douglas swallowed, “We’re fine.  How is school going?” rapidly changing the subject.

            “It’s going really well.”  She went on, telling him about the things she had been learning at the hospital in her last year of residency.  Douglas listened to her with his eyes closed for several minutes until they popped back open when she asked, “So, how was the Halloween party last night?”  When he didn’t answer right away, she asked, “Douglas?”

            “Oh, you know; same as always.”

            “I know how you look forward to it every year.  Halloween was always your favorite holiday.”

            Douglas forced a laugh, “Yup, you missed it.” He wouldn’t be looking forward to it anymore.  “So, will you be coming home for the holidays?  We’ve missed you the last couple of years.”

            There was a pause on the other end, Bethany voice coming back with uncertainty, “I’m not sure yet, the schedule hasn’t been posted.”

            “Well, at least this is your last year. Then you’ll be home for good.”

            “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that…”

            Douglas’ heart slammed in his chest, “You are coming back, aren’t you?” unable to keep the sadness and fear out of his voice.

            “I’m not sure yet. I’ve been looking into other areas where my services would be more need.”

            Douglas wanted to scream, damn doctors and their compulsive need to do good; he wanted his sister with him. “Kirkwall needs pediatricians, Bethany.”

            “Not as much as other places, Douglas.”

            Douglas was about to start crying again, “Alright, well, I have kept you on the phone long enough,” his voice was shaking.

            “Douglas…”

            He kept going, “I’ll talk to you later.  I love you.  Bye,” He hung up, throwing his phone across the room with a loud crash against the wall.

            A few minutes later there was a knock on the door.  He rolled away, his back to it before it opened. “Babe?  Are you alright?”

            “Fine.”

            Isabela entered the room, and after several seconds, he saw her enter his line of sight as she walked over and picked up the broken phone.  She walked over in front of him, asking worriedly, “Are you hungry?  Do you need anything?”

            “No.”

            She nodded, grabbing the empty bottles. “Well, let me know if you do.”  He didn’t answer, and she studied him a few more seconds before she left him alone again, closing the door behind her.

Douglas drank himself asleep again, waking up to find a new phone waiting for him on his nightstand the next morning thanks to Fellon. He picked it up and called Anders, but of course, was ignored.

 

*   *   *

 

            Thursday evening rolled around, and Douglas called Anders fairly certain he would be home.  After a few rings, he was getting ready to leave another message when instead of the normal recording he heard, “Stop calling me.”

            “Anders!”

            “Don’t call me anymore, Douglas.  There is nothing you have to say that I will ever want to hear, so just stop.”

            Anders sounded so sad on the other end, and Douglas swallowed, trying not to be sick at the thought of why, “Please, just listen…”

            “NO!  I don’t need to listen, I saw it!  There is no talking your way out of this one, Douglas.”

            “But…”

            “Shut up!  Nate was right about you!  He warned me you were just going to break my heart, but I listened to the wrong person.  I believed you when you said you loved me.”

            “I do!”

            “If you loved me, you wouldn’t have done what you did!  Did I show you what you were missing out on for eleven years, and I wasn’t good enough to satisfy your needs?  Or was that just another lie I stupidly believed?”

            “Anders…”

            “Shut up, Douglas.  I don’t care.  Just don’t call me anymore,” and Anders hung up.

            Douglas desperately tried to call him back several times, but after the first return call, it went straight to voicemail.  The only thing he could do was sob into the phone, so he hung up without leaving any messages. 

            He did try calling back over the next few days, his messages getting more desperate and incoherent as he drank himself into a stupor that he never allowed himself to come out of.  Finally, a week after the Halloween party, he sat on the side of his bed to make a phone call he had never in his life wanted to and it made him instantly sober.  He got the required number and pulled out the pictures from under his pillow to remind himself why he was doing this.  He took a deep breath and dialed the number. 

After a couple of rings, it was answered, “Howe.”

            “You need to keep an eye on Anders.  He isn’t safe.”

            “Who is this?”

            “The Coterie is making threats against him. Promise me you’ll watch out for him.”

            “Hawke?  Is that you?  I’m not going to promise you anything, you fucking bastard!  Anders won’t tell me what you did, but I know you did something!”

            “Mr. Howe, are you listening to me?  The Coterie has made a threat against him.”

            “They wouldn’t be if it wasn’t for you!”

            “I know.”  Nathaniel seemed to be stunned for a second at the admission.  “Just do us both a favor and keep him safe.”

            “I’ll keep him safe, but not for you.”

            “Fine with me,” and Douglas hung up, falling back on his side into the pillows and crying while staring at the pictures in his hands.

 

*   *   *

 

            A couple weeks passed, and Douglas still hadn’t left his bed, eating very little and did nothing but drink and sleep.  He still hadn’t said a word to anyone about what had happened, barely anything at all, and Fellon was visibly starting to get frustrated with him.  Everyone they knew had tried their hand at snapping him out of it, but they all failed.  Douglas had stopped calling Anders after he talked to Nathaniel, but he had called Bethany a couple of times just to hear her voice but hadn’t talked to her in several days. 

            There was a soft knock on the door, and of course it was ignored, just like they always were. Not that that stopped anyone from entering.  This time though, there was another knock.  “Go away,” he groaned.

            The door opened, but he ignored that too.  No one in this house could ever take a hint.  He didn’t want to talk about it, he didn’t want to get up, he didn’t want to eat, he just wanted to lay here and forget any of this ever happened.  “Douglas?”

            Douglas rolled over to look at the door, “Bethany?  What are you doing here?”

            Shocked sadness was clearly displayed on her face, and he had no doubt he looked as bad as he felt. “Fellon was worried about you, everyone is.  He asked me to come.”

            “Don’t you have school?”

            She came and sat down beside him on the bed. “I took time off. You are more important right now, Brother.”

            Douglas started crying, sitting up to hug her, “I missed you so much.”

            She hugged him back tightly, feeling the loss of weight and muscle tone against her arms, her frown increasing.  There had only been one other time in her life when her brother was this skinny, and before that, he had always spent all his time outdoors, playing every sport he possibly could.  She sincerely hoped he would snap out of this faster than he had the last time.  “I missed you too.”  She pulled back, looking at him, “I heard about Anders.  Why didn’t you tell me?”

            “I don’t want to talk about it.”

            “I’m sorry, Brother.  I’m sure you miss him.”

            “I said I don’t want to talk about.”

            She swallowed, “Alright.  I’ll stop talking about it if you promise to eat something.”

            He looked at her; she always knew how to win one way another.  He knew her well enough to know he wouldn’t be able to talk himself out of both.  “Fine.”

            “I’ll be right back.”

            She left the room, returning about ten minutes later with a tray full of food.  Douglas raised an eyebrow at her, “I don’t have to eat all of that, do I?”

            She smiled, “No.  I just forgot to ask what you wanted before I left.”

            Douglas nodded.  It didn’t matter; he didn’t have an appetite anyway to know what he would have wanted.  The tray was placed on his lap, and he looked at it, feeling queasy.  He looked up to her raised eyebrow.  He sighed, no matter which option he choose, they would most likely have the same results and started eating in relieved silence.