Chapter Two: The Templar Cullen
Desire demons came to mages when they were vulnerable and they had something they wanted more than anything. It made it dangerous for mages to want anything. Self control was imbued in Lita since the day she was old enough to understand how important it was. She was born into this life of magic and repression. However, she was a woman with desires. She did not always want to be so harsh on herself, so disciplined. But the Fade was a terrifying place and she knew she should be more careful. She rolled to her side and pulled the covers close, though she felt sweat rolling off her forehead. It was dark in the tower, possibly the middle of the night.
She knew that until she got through what she was so afraid of, she would continue to be haunted by nightmares of the Fade. She had heard rumors that her Harrowing was to be soon, a test of her mage abilities. She wish she knew more than that so that she could better prepare. The Harrowing frightened her. Some mages never came back from theirs, but no one would ever say where those who disappeared went. Lita wondered if it were possible that the mages who never came back became apostates. She supposed that would be too ridiculous, too many apostates... and they would be slain by the templars before they could cook up a plan to escape. Lately, the Harrowing was all she could think of during the day. She was visited by demons at night, tempted to stay in the realm of the Fade to escape the Harrowing. She wondered if this was how it felt for everyone.
She could not stop thinking about it. Sitting up slightly, she looked toward the doors, leading to the hallway. She needed to walk off this feeling. Sitting in bed was only making her feel more sick. Quietly, she rose from her bed and tiptoed to the doors. She cracked the door open slightly, enough to get her body out, and walked through, closing it promptly behind her. She hoped she had not woken anyone or aroused suspicion. If people get suspicious of someone sneaking around, they begin to assume a lot. They would inform the templars, who would investigate with no forbearance. She did not want the templars investigating her every move and interaction. They would question those around her and possibly dig up her biggest secret. The thought was unbearable. She could not allow it, for there would not only have consequences for her, but for another person as well, a person who did not deserve punishment.
A templar, who happened to be passing by the door looked at the mage. His helmet concealed his face, just like all the others.
"What is it, mage? What are you doing out of your quarters at this hour?" The templar was on his guard.
"Hello, templar. I... I am not feeling well. I was going to see if Wynne had anything to help. I cannot sleep in my current state."
"Amell?" A familiar voice called out to her. Another faceless templar approached.
"Ah, Cullen. You know this mage?" the templar asked, relaxing a little.
"She is Irving's star pupil. I'm surprised you don't know that. Greagoir has mentioned her a few times as well," the familiar voice reassured him. It was strange to see Cullen wearing the bulky templar helmet.
'At least he's sticking up for me, thank the Maker for that,' she thought with relief.
"She claims feelings of sickness. Says she wants to see Wynne."
"Thank you, Sir Allen. You were officially relieved five minutes ago," Cullen chuckled. "I will see this mage to the healer."
"Very well. Maker watch over you, Cullen."
The two templars bowed. The unfamiliar one headed down the hall, on his way to the templar quarters no doubt. The two waited until he was out of earshot before continuing to speak. Cullen motioned Lita to walk with him down the hall, out of earshot of the dorms. They walked into an empty room, spacious and filled with hundreds of books. Cullen looked around suspiciously, as did Lita. He quietly shut the door behind them, locking it.
"You-You're sick... What's wrong?" It was funny to see how nervous he became around her, when only seconds ago he was in command and confident. He took off his helm and placed it on a nearby study table. It was nice to see his real face again, so soft and gentle. Upon seeing the worry in her face he spoke reassuring words "Don't worry about-about the other templars. Apprentice quarters aren't watched as strictly as they might have you believe... I am the only one on patrol on this floor. Maker, why did I just tell you that?" He scoffed at himself and offered a weak smile. "O-Our... friendship has changed my views on the templar code. But I cannot defy them, as you know."
"I was hoping I could find you... It was a slim chance, but I could not sleep. You are... the only templar I think I can trust."
"I... Thank you," she stammered, surprised by her statement. "But... I can't say I trust mages at all, sorry. It's p-part of my templar training. Safety... all that. We are told of the worst case scenarios and are expected to treat all mages like they can break at any moment. But I-I trust you as a person, and...well, y-you know that. It... means a lot." His cheeks were a little pink.
"I understand, Cullen. Remember, we don't have to agree but we can understand." Lita was tired but she was happy to see him. "Do you... recall when I told you I was having nightmares? All those years ago, when I started practicing my first spells here?"
His expression seemed troubled as he sighed. "I do. You were terrified and you told me everything. I was so new to my training I didn't know how to help. I ran to Greagoir first chance I got... and then Irving overheard us talking. Greagoir was talking about you as if you were an… abomination already. He wanted to make you Tranquil, remember? He was... very tough back then... Irving saved you with his magic. Not one of us was sure what he did... Is that what's going on here? You... do not look well." He removed his right glove and put his bare hand to her forehead. He was nervous, not because of her now, but
forher, whatever was happening to her. "You were always good for your word, your honesty. You were so open with me then, simply looking for help, though you did not know me. I could have been your worst enemy. The templars often are to mages, as mages are to templars."
"You're too sweet to be my enemy. You're too gentle," she replied kindly. He froze, eyes wide. She smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry. I've embarrassed you."
"I-um..." He was clearly at a loss for words. His hand fell to her cheek and began caressing it softly. She shut her eyes and nuzzled further into that comfort. It was a warm and welcome gesture of affection. She stepped back to look at him with a serious face.
"Cullen, I am vulnerable to the demons of the Fade. I was sought out by a desire demon earlier this evening. It... got too close for comfort. It knew what I wanted most and tried to tempt me with it. This is the third time in the last two weeks this has happened. I have proven myself to be strong willed every time. Demons only strike when they think you're at your weakest, when the world has given you something to want, and something to fear beyond reason."
"D-Desire demon? We were informed in detail on how to resist... They are very dangerous, th-though I suppose all demons are... What has gotten you so frightened, Lita? Was it the demons? I've never seen you like this... not since you first did that frost spell... If you're that vulnerable, something must be done soon, either the Harrowing or... I really hate to say this about you of all mages, but the Right of Tranquility..."
"That's just it. I'm terrified of my Harrowing. The thought of being made Tranquil... to lose all ability to feel. If I could not feel moments like this..." She placed a delicate hand on Cullen's strong jaw. "I cannot bear the thought. I have overheard the senior enchanters talking here and there about apprentices with promise. Apprentice mages have been gossiping as always. They say my Harrowing is nearly upon me. I... I'm scared."
Her composure was breaking. Cullen tugged her close to him in an embrace. His armor was so uncomfortable to touch, but she supposed the templars did not make their armor for embraces with women, or mages, or women mages. She gazed at him from below and he looked down upon her with comforting eyes.
"I cannot tell you anything about that. You know that."
"I know, but having you here now... It's making me feel so much better. Thank you."
"I'm sorry I cannot do more for you. If only I had met you before the Chantry... If only you weren't a mage..." he trailed sadly.
"Cullen... I care for you a great deal. Please don't just think of me as a mage..."
"I-I don't think of you as a mage... well, hard-hardly ever. I have to remind myself sometimes," he smiled. "I know I should be more careful with you, but I..."
She wrapped her arms around his neck and stayed close, despite how uncomfortable his armor felt against her chest. Looking up into his brown eyes, she smiled and inched a little toward his face with her own. He looked entranced more than nervous now. He leaned in further, closing the gap between them. Their lips grazed each other for a small second, as if they were afraid to fully commit. She shivered, wanting more. Stealing a peek at his face, she saw a knotted brow, a great determination and longing in his features.
She remembered the last time they were alone like this. It was late then too. They had arranged a secret meeting so neither would be caught. It was risky, but they enjoyed each others company and comfort. They had not yet broken any of the templar's vows, though they thought they might be close enough by seeing one another under the circumstances. He made sure that they did not break the big rules, nor could either of them say they had any experience in the matter. Regardless, there was always a lot of hiding, pleasant conversations and kissing. He had held her hand and kissed her forehead back then. She recalled his strong hands squeezing her frail ones. He had kissed her full pink lips as she ran her fingers through his hair, each taking in the other's scent. He had not looked so formal then. He had allowed his beard to become a bit more than stubble. His hair was not strictly styled back. He had so much caring present in his warm brown eyes. That had been months ago. Then, memories of their first kiss flooded in, but she curled her lips into a smile and pushed those away for later. Their equally trembling lips pressed together for yet another time in history. It felt as though electricity was charging her entire body, spreading from her heart outwards.
The small, innocent kisses they plagued each other with felt wonderful and playful. Cullen moved his arms behind her, removing his other glove and setting it on the desk behind her. Then his hands traveled, finding their way to the back of the young woman. He pressed her close to his body. She wondered if he wished that he wore a lighter uniform; she certainly wished it was so. The armor of the templars was very uninviting. At least she could feel the touch of his hands. That was more than she had ever expected. He was never so compliant to remove his armor with her. Lita could only assume he did not trust himself to 'stay pure in the eyes of the Maker' if he should shed more armor than his helmet.
Tonight was different for some reason, though Lita was hardly complaining. He was passionate with the kisses he planted on her lips now. She relished in the warmness of her heart and the strength of his tongue against hers. He lifted her with his strong arms and spun her around so that her back was facing the closest wall of books. His armor dug into her, but she had no worries about it. She was enjoying herself all the same. She was above him now, lifted from the tower floors and fervently kissing his more than inviting lips. The stubble above his upper lip pricked her skin lightly and it made the outer corners of her lips curl into a smile. She lined her hands along his jaw, fondling the bristly stubble on his chin.
'
This is what a man feels like. Men are... just wonderful,' she thought dreamily to herself.
Cullen broke their intense barrage of risque interaction with great abruptness. It would seem they both needed to catch their breath. He seemed a bit troubled as well.
"I'm sorry, am I being too forceful? I'm not hurting you, am I?" He watched her carefully with concerned eyes. She felt worry pang at her heart but she pushed it away.
"No... I'm just...
savoring this moment so to speak," she stated with a grin.
He smirked with a knowing spark in his eyes. It quickly dissipated into a frown. "I'm afraid we cannot continue. My mind is telling me we should not go further and with good reason, I think. M-My templar training again... Besides, I... really should be on watch now."
"I understand, Cullen." He gently lowered her to the floor as she looked away from his gaze. She felt like she repeated herself a lot, claiming to understand his duty to the Chantry when she only wished he would abandon his oath and be with her. She knew how selfish that sounded, but as a mage she was not allowed any love. The only people who did not hate or fear her could be taken away at any moment and never seen again. That is why she only allowed herself two close friends, though she supposed that Cullen was a bit more than a friend. However, his duty always came before her, so she could not say they were lovers.
"To be honest, I'm not sure why we sneak around like this..." he said as he hastily put on his gloves. "We... both know how this is going to end." His words stung, like freshly sliced wounds.
"We're... just dreamers, aren't we?" Her tone was dismal with a forced hopefulness. "What else can we do?"
"We... can ignore our feelings." It sounded very harsh coming from the same lips that were so welcoming moments before. He picked up his templar helm and fumbled it in his hands nervously. "This... it c-cannot continue."
"Cullen, what's gotten into you? I know your duties come first and I can understand that, but there's more to it than that. I can tell. You've never been this...
abrupt. Don't you care about...?" She held back the pain in her heart that was threatening to sap her strength.
His sad eyes met her glossy ones. "I do
care about you a great deal... You know that, Amell."
'Amell? He's not even using my first name anymore. I knew this would happen eventually. Templars are always like that to mages. Cullen... I was a fool to think you were different.' Her thoughts made her eyes water uncontrollably.
He pulled her close to his chest and wrapped his arms around her back, holding the helm loosely in his left hand. "Please don't cry. You... don't know how hard it is for me. I... almost did not stop tonight. I was about to f-forsake my vows, my training...
everything that I am. I-I was w-willing to-to risk it all... for you, only for a second... but... that's all it takes." He pulled away to look at her face, which displayed a shocked expression. There was a rosy tint in his cheeks. He was always so uncomfortable speaking about subjects of the concupiscent nature. Her shock was turning into hurt quickly.
"You were going to risk everything,
how exactly?" Lita somehow found her will to speak.
"I-I-I wanted to shed this armor, Lita. I was... was w-willing to..." he paused in thought. "to let this go...
further. I wanted to and I almost did. Had I not stopped myself for one moment..."
"You think I would not have stopped you? You are a templar and that is your life. I would at least stop to ask if that is what you truly desired. I'm not some sex-crazed mage, come to take your innocence, Cullen. I know they tell you not to trust mages, but I have been visited by many demons in the past and I have alerted you of each experience.
"Tell me, if you believed we were alone in this tower and I came to you, would you resist? If my gentle hands found you in your quarters, alone and unarmored, massaging you in ways you could never imagine... If I would kiss you with passion and urgency and I would offer myself to you entirely... If I would do more than that, if I would throw myself at you, would you resist then? With such strong feelings of love and compassion hurled at you with passion and lust, could you bear to resist? If I came to you like...
that, would you push me away still?"
"I..." Cullen looked as through he might explode. The impure thoughts she had implanted were probably working images into his mind. She was starting to regret her words, but could not stop.
"Because that's what the demon I faced tonight...
propositioned me with. It used your form to try and seduce me, to tempt me. It was you, Cullen. And I... I had to stand up to that, to say no to everything I wanted. It made me promises of living happily ever after with you, raising a family, getting out of the tower and never doing magic again. Can't you see that my dreams were dangled in front of me? I had to reject them. I said I'd rather be miserable in the real world, than live in false happiness. You were afraid I would not stop you from giving up your life of vows, but I have far more self control than you think. Do you think if a demon came to you, that you would so the same?"
She was more than a bit hurt by the fact that he did not seem to trust her.
"...Love?" It seemed he was stuck on this one part of her very big rant.
She blushed, not realizing she had mentioned that. "...Yes, love
and lust."
"I,um... yes. I
could resist... I am trained to... But..." he sighed. "So many questions..."
"Just answer me this," she held a hand to his jaw, strong chin beneath her thumb. His posture straightened as he tensed. She opened her mouth to speak, but the words would not form.
"Lita..." he looked at her as though he already knew her question, a loving warmth returning to his eyes. He had an answer long before she even thought of asking. "Yes. I am no coward and I will admit it. Yes, Lita Amell, I am in love with you."
The mage blushed and froze in fear. The urge to reciprocate bubbled in her throat, but she was too frightened to speak. The thought made her heart swell with happiness, but dark thoughts brewed in her mind. She knew that they had no chance of the life she desired. How could they be in love when they were both confined to this tower, under constant scrutiny? Greagoir and Irving would never understand. Feelings of love meant so little to the elders, but she could not find a perfect ending for Cullen and herself without their approval.
'But...where do we go from here?' "You... don't have to say anything," he stated calmly. "I think I know what you are thinking. I thought about it too."
"There's no happily ever after for us is there? We're just dreamers," she responded heavily.
"Dreamers who live our their wishes every now and again... But you never know when either of us could be taken away... I may be called to fight abominations and I might even be slain by one, or maleficarum. You might get called off on official Circle business … er, that is if you are called to your Harrowing... and you, um, pass. Not that I don't expect you to pass... Y- You're so talented, I'd expect no less than a swift Harrowing. Maker, I messed that up, didn't I?"
Lita let a smirk escape. Though it was a serious situation, she was glad Cullen cared enough to reassure her of her victory over the Harrowing. It seemed like Tranquility was not in her future. She kissed him softly on the lips, giving him no more time to try and correct his statements. She stepped back to look at him gingerly.
"I have no idea what you are trying to say, templar Sir Cullen." She took the helm from his hands and placed it on his head.
"It's for the best, Apprentice Amell. Should we take you to see Wynne now? I have my doubts that she would be awake."
"I think I could wait until tomorrow. I am feeling a bit better, for now at least. Thank you. I should return to my quarters."
Before either of them could head to the door, he removed his helmet and took her right hand. Bending forward in a bowing position, he lightly pressed his lips against the top of her hand. She felt her blush returning and an electric surge pumping through her veins once more. She stifled the urge to return the favor more passionately as he returned her tingling hand. His helmet was on again and he was unlocking the door and stepping out when she finally regained her sense of composure. He was well down the hall when she stepped out into the hall. Silently, she crept back into the dorms, letting her eyes adjust to the darkness before she moved to her bed. One there, she laid down and pulled her sheets over her body. She held the blankets close to her chest as she balled a conglomerate of them in her hands, which were now balled into tiny fists of excitement. She yawned as sleep began to defeat the excitement. Her eyelids grew heavy and she could not remember her dreams of earlier before drifting off into sweet innocent slumber once again.
It seemed she had just gotten to sleep when she felt a pair of strong templar arms lifting her from the bed. The man carried her out of the door where two other templars were waiting silently.
