Forget Horizon

“Yeah that’s for damn sure,” An all too familiar voice rasped from over her right shoulder. “Funny though you always seemed to thrive under the pressure.”

Shepard could say nothing in reply, she was too busy coughing and spluttering, choking on her drink in shock once again as the barman mopped up the spilled blue alcohol from the surface of the bar for the third time that night. Keep that up and he’d be refusing to serve her again. Regaining some composure over herself; Shepard whipped around in the handy spinny barstool just to see if she wasn’t imagining him. The world swam with colours for a minute, the small turn making her feel dizzy in her slightly drunken state. Shepard clapped a hand to her forehead; eyes closed willing them to focus properly. “Ugh remind me not to do that again.” She muttered. She cracked her eyes open slightly and his face swim into view.

So she wasn’t dreaming, he really was standing there behind her looking edible as ever…Ok bad road to send your thoughts down, this is Jack’s fault…Funny she’d just been thinking about him and he suddenly appeared out of nowhere, would that work all the time she wondered…No ok that’s definitely the alcohol beginning to addle your brain now.

“Are you ok?” He asked, brow creasing with concern at his former Commanders coughing and dizzy state.

“Yeah, I’m fine, ah Kaiden wh-what are you doing here?” Shepard asked, mouth forming words slowly. She was sure she wasn’t this drunk already.

“Same as you it seems, just enjoying a little shore leave before…well you know, other missions come along and the like.” He said, his brow smoothing out once again and he shifted to avoid her eyes, instead leaning against the bar as if he were waiting to be served by the Turian barman and finally resolving to order a drink when the man flapped his mandibles at Kaiden menacingly.

Shepard also frowned, she’d liked his concern for her for that brief moment, but his avoiding looking at her then made her stomach plummet. Well he didn’t HAVE to come and talk to me, she thought bitterly, pouting at his back taking in the lean and well muscled contours of his body and allowing her mind to slip dangerously off into other directions again.

“You mean you assume we both have shore leave.” She said suddenly and rather petulantly. “We’ve had missions here before Kaiden, what’s to say I’m not here scoping some people out for some purpose or another.” It sounded lame even to her but she just couldn’t stop her mouth from running away with itself.

“Out of armour? Never once did you go shoreside on a mission without your armour Shepard, always defended and armed to the gills.”

“Yeah well perhaps I thought to forego it this time for the sake of cover. And I am never unarmed.” That much was true, even on shore leave she still had a pistol stashed about her person, you never could be too careful and considering the number of people that had tried to kill her (and actually once succeeded) in the past few years it seemed almost necessary.

Kaiden let out a sudden bark of laughter, “Yeah well that much I believe. And besides I know you have shore leave, I, ah, heard a little of your conversation with that other um person you were with.”

Shepard frowned, must have been listening damn hard to have heard them over all of that music, sure Jack wasn’t exactly being discreet in her talking but still the thudding beat was almost deafening. She looked away from him to her empty glass, and with a seconds thought signalled for another. “Well at least you have the grace to look vaguely embarrassed.”

“Yeah, well it wasn’t exactly the sort of conversation I’d have chosen to listen in on I just wanted to hear a little of what was going on. How much of the stories were true, I kinda got nothing that I bargained for.”

Shaking her head Shepard snorted, “Not what you’d get from a conversation with Jack, once the people are dead they don’t matter anymore. Why didn’t you just ask? And what stories anyway? I’ve not really paid much attention to news of anything wasn’t sure if Cerberus had released any details of…what exactly went on on our special mission…” Good save there Shepard, wouldn’t do to go blurting out everything when she was questioning her decisions herself. She’d probably tell Kaiden anything that he asked but not so near that Turian barman, he was listening a little too closely for her liking.

He frowned at her, “Jack? The person you were with?” Shepard nodded, “I see you’ve recruited quite a colourful collection of characters again.”

“Yeah, what with Garrus and Tali, not to mention Joker and Dr Chakwas, it could almost have been like old times again. We even had a Krogan and an Asari, it was just my two human squad members that, well, would never be quite the same.” She was rambling and she knew it, but it didn’t stop her from feeling sappy and sentimental about it all. A big part of her wanted to talk with Kaiden, really talk about everything that had gone on, about feelings and all that kind of stuff. But another was terrified of what might come of it; so she avoided. “But you didn’t exactly answer my question Kaiden.”

“No.” He said simply taking a deep draught from his drink, so even he needed Dutch courage sometimes. “Well I suppose I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to or not.”

Forget about plummeting, Shepards stomach and heart and just about everything else felt as if it had just splattered all over the floor. It was like Horizon all over again, elation at seeing him and then the words that came out of his mouth, the look in his eyes and that dark disapproving tone that just about killed every hope she had of keeping anything going between them. Was she stupid to have kept hoping? His letter had sounded promising, in a strange sort of way, or perhaps she was just desperate for any tiny sign of hope she was ignoring the bigger picture. “Maybe Jack was right.” She muttered under her breath, should she just go and jump the first man she could get her hands on, get Kaiden out of her system?

“What was that?”

“Oh, um, nothing…so, ah, something must have made up your mind for you then because what’s this if it’s not talking.” Shepard asked, carefully avoiding looking at him for fear of doing something very girly and pathetic like crying and running away. She swallowed hard and refused to give in, she would not be won over so easily. Hell she’d saved the galaxy twice and counting she wouldn’t cry over the tiniest thing like her former lover not sure if he wanted to speak to her again. But damn if it didn’t hurt.

“I guess I couldn’t help myself. You’re not an easy person to ignore Shepard, even when you were…dead…it’s all still a little hard to come to terms with.”

“Hmph, yeah tell me about it, one minute I’m falling through space my suit damaged and suffocating me the next thing I know I’m spread out on a hospital table with someone yelling in my ear that the damn place is under attack. Talk about your wake up calls.” She was rambling yet again, but she was starting to feel angry and angry was a hell of a lot better than teary. “Then to top it all off they tell me I’ve been technically dead for two years. Two years is a damn long time to miss, it’s like having amnesia without ever the hope of getting your memory back again.”

Kaiden stood there a little stunned as she ranted at him; he’d not been expecting her to get angry. He would be angry sure, the whole thing made him mad as hell and not necessarily with her but she was a good outlet for that rage being the cause of it in some shape or form. But for her to get mad first surprised him. He was torn, much as she was, on part wanting to scoop her up in his arms and remember what it was like to hold her, they’d found comfort in each other before why not again? But another part wanted to rage at her for leaving him like she did, for coming back so flippant and for working with the enemy. Sure they weren’t the real enemy but they’d been just as close. She’d shattered his trust in her, intentionally or not and he just wasn’t ready to piece it back together yet.

“Yeah, losing you was rough on all of us. Having you come back again was something else altogether.” Kaiden said shaking his head not willing to burst just yet, she didn’t really deserve his anger but it was hard to contain. “It’s not exactly easy to accept Shepard, you were dead but for us life went on. We…I had to keep on living after you’d gone. I’d grieved and mourned for you then started to try and rebuild my life, then you come back and… well you heard this before but it threw everything back into chaos again.”

Shepard nodded biting her lower lip in a show of frustration and far too many conflicting emotions. “Sounds like you rather wish I’d stayed dead.” She suddenly muttered, finally catching his eye and holding it for an intense few seconds. All in a sudden flash of movement she’d hopped off of her barstool, activated her omni-tool and transferred the credits to the barman to clear off the tab her and Jack had started to run up, then she turned and without another word hurried for the exit of the Dark Star lounge.

It had suddenly become a whole lot harder to hold her emotions under control. “Why’d he have to catch me when I’m drunk?”