The Embodiment of Emotion

“So you’re really going to give this Roxas kid his own body, huh?” Hayner said, licking at a bit of the ice cream that had begun to drip down his hand. Sora watched his tongue come out of his mouth, wondering how that long of an organ could fit into one teenager’s mouth, but thought better than to make the joke. Hayner had a bit of a temper, and Sora was too stressed to deal with someone getting pissed off at him at that particular moment.

They’d all met up here in Twilight Town, meeting at Hayner’s house since he was the one that everyone knew and…let’s be honest…he liked being the boss. So, that being the plan, they’d gotten together to discuss what was going to go on and be generally friendly. Now, as they sat in Hayner’s living room, Sora began to think that maybe he should have just come by himself and not bothered with all this. He wanted to be alone and not talk…merely think.

Sora nodded almost numbly, looking down at his own neglected ice cream that he’d placed on a plate when he realized he wasn’t going to eat it. He still wasn’t used to the fact that Hayner (the real one) didn’t really know Roxas, and that every time that Sora spoke of him, it was like he was speaking about a complete stranger. Each time that would happen he could feel Roxas’ displeasure rippling through his brain, and would soon find that the other personality would disappear for a while into his subconscious. Roxas, Sora had discovered, was slightly moody.

“Well that’s pretty cool,” Hayner answered thoughtfully, putting his finger up to his lips, looking far wiser than he actually was. “I don’t know if I’d want to do that…I mean…it’s not like he wasn’t you to begin with…”

Sora almost physically recoiled as he felt the responding whiplash within him, knowing Roxas was stirring up slightly only to then submerge back down. At first, when they’d originally rejoined, Sora hadn’t really been able to feel Roxas at all. Now that they’d had a year or two to sit around together, Sora knew exactly how Roxas was feeling all the time, and sometimes he had a hard time separating his Nobody’s emotions from his own.

There were times he thought that his Roxas’ feelings were actually stronger than his own were.

“That doesn’t matter,” Riku said, finally breaking the self-inflicted silence that he’d placed on himself. He sat apart from the rest of the group, in a recliner in the corner. The entire time that Hayner had originally gone on (about anything he could think of apparently) he’d remained silent, looking at Sora from time to time with a worried expression on his face that he couldn’t seem to wipe away. Now he spoke up, sitting more straightly in the chair as he glared a bit at the blonde.

“Roxas isn’t just a part of Sora anymore,” Riku explained for what seemed like the hundredth time. “He’s literally someone else.”

“Yeah I guess so…”Hayner said, trailing off slightly and looking out the window. Sora fell silent as well, glancing at the floor and running his toes through the carpeting in an effort to sort through his jumbled thoughts. Everything seemed to be going very quickly, and no matter how many times he told himself that everything was going to be all right, he couldn’t seem to stop worrying.

And the worry wasn’t just for himself, but for Roxas as well.

It had only been two weeks since he’d received the letter from Merlin, telling him that he and Yen Sid had finally discovered a way to transfer Roxas’ consciousness from Sora’s mind to a body of Roxas’ very own. Even now the two sorcerers were busily conjuring up a body for the Nobody that was the exact replica of the one he’d had when he was a separate entity from the Keyblade Master. Sora had almost immediately accepted the offer, knowing that Roxas would feel the same. It was only now that he’d had two weeks to sit around and think about it that he was having second thoughts.

What if it hurt? What if he died? What if they took Roxas out of him, and somehow Sora was never the same? What if they took Roxas away and weren’t able to get him into his new body in time before he faded away? What if Roxas’ new body died?

Because now that he knew Roxas, he didn’t want to be without him. Not at all.

“So,” Hayner murmured softly, breaking the silence. “Where are they going to do this anyway? Cause I don’t my mom would be cool with doing it here and…”

“They’ve set up the mansion for us,” Riku interrupted, obviously annoyed. Sora met Riku’s eyes with a small grin, shaking his head in amusement at the older boys frustration. It wasn’t really that Riku didn’t like anyone it was just that…Riku had a hard time getting along with everyone.

“They wrote me earlier,” Sora began, his voice sounding far away and hollow even to his own ears. “Told me that his body was basically ready and for me to come to Twilight Town. Not much more to it than that.”

Hayner nodded, standing up and licking the stick of his ice cream clean. Motioning to the stick as if to ask ‘does anyone want another’ he walked out of the room when no one did, leaving Riku and Sora alone. Sora was still staring at the carpet, oblivious to the concerned gaze his best friend turned lover was giving him. He was lost in his own world, jumbled thoughts clashing together no matter how hard he was trying to keep them separate. And through it all he could feel Roxas trying with everything he had to calm Sora’s fears…and his own.

“I think I need some air,” Sora said suddenly, jumping up and making his way to the door. He’d suddenly been hit with the overwhelming feeling of imminent panic, as though if he didn’t start moving he was probably going to drown. Tugging at the strands of his hair a few times, he pulled the front door open and walked out onto the porch.

The porch railing felt very real under his fingertips as he held onto it, closing his eyes and trying to breath past the raging panic that seemed to be surging through him. Over and over he kneaded his fingers into the wood, until suddenly he jumped backwards, a splinter having imbedded itself in the skin of his index finger. Holding it up to his face for inspection, he felt his eyebrows come together with annoyance.

Couldn’t anything just go right today?

“Mmm…damn it,” he murmured, shoving his finger into his mouth and almost violently sucking on it. Now that he’d gotten a good look at it, the splinter actually kind of hurt, and he was determined to get the wood out of his skin. So intent was he upon getting the splinter out that he failed to notice that the front door had opened again and a silver-haired man had walked through.

“Sora,” Riku said, shaking his head gently. “Why are you gnawing on your finger?”

Sora instantly looked up, the finger falling from his mouth as his bottom lip came out. No matter how old he got, he never seemed to lose some of the naïve qualities that he’d always had. Perhaps it was endearing, but it also meant that people tended to take him less seriously than he might have liked. Which was annoying considering that he’d been part of saving the entire known universe from certain destruction.

But he guessed once you were pigeonholed there was really no way to get out of it.

“I’m not gnawing,” he said petulantly, holding his finger out for Riku to look at. “I got a splinter from the porch and was trying to get it out.”

“Well you looked like you were attempting to gnaw your own arm off,” Riku teased, coming up and grabbing Sora’s wrist. “Here, let me do it.”

With that Riku went to work, moving his mouth down to Sora’s finger and letting his teeth come out to grab at the splint of wood. On any other occasion, this might have turned Sora on, but as he looked at Riku’s face of concentration, he knew that there was nothing sexual behind his actions. He could see Riku’s jaw working slightly, eyes partially closed and staring straight ahead, until suddenly Riku’s head came back up.

With a small piece of wood between his front teeth.

“There,” he said, spitting it out onto the porch. “Now put some pressure on it so you stop bleeding…”

Sora took back his finger, watching with a slight interest as the blood began to pour down his skin. Not knowing what else to do with it, he shoved it back into his mouth, sucking on it like a child’s thumb. With that he looked back out at the city, a soft sigh working its way out of his mouth. Wanting to sit down, he climbed onto the porch railing and sat down, pulling his finger from his mouth and putting his chin in his hands.

Riku came up and stood against the railing as well, looking up at him through his bangs with a concerned expression. Sora glanced down when Riku scooted in closer, wrapping his arms around the Keyblade Master’s waist and burying his face against his side. Sora’s arm instinctively reached out, wrapping around Riku’s silver head and moving his fingers through that long hair.

“I don’t know if I want you to do this,” Riku said, his voice slightly muffled as he pressed his face further into Sora’s side. “What if something happens?”

“Riku…” Sora murmured…

“Sora! What’s wrong?!” Riku had asked, flipping over in bed and holding Sora down onto the mattress.

All the while Sora thrashed, his hands clenched against his head while he felt as though something were going to explode out of his brain at any moment. The pain had started only a few months back, but it had been manageable. Now, this pain was too extreme, making Sora’s eyes water and loud cries work their way up his throat to become guttural screams at the end. Roxas…Roxas was coming to the surface and there was nothing he could do to stop him.

And it wasn’t even Roxas’ fault. There was no one to blame…other than fate.

“Riku…” Sora said again, sighing softly. “If I don’t do this, Roxas and I could both fade…if not physically than mentally. We can’t both live in this body anymore…”

Riku noticeably shuddered when Sora mentioned himself dying, making Sora lean down and put his forehead against the top of his lover’s head. Though Riku was a professional and holding in his emotions, when he got to a point that he could no longer hold them in…he started to fall apart a little. And this situation had put him under more strain than almost any other…more so than all the battles they’d fought together. And it was all coming to a head.

“I know,” Riku said, his voice wavering slightly, though he was trying to keep it normal, an effort that made Sora grin. Though he’d never admit it out loud (though Roxas knew) he actually enjoyed it a little when Riku lost a little of that perfect control. It made Sora feel a little better about nearly always having little to no control over his emotions. And it made Riku seem less like the Ice Queen…and more like the person that Sora knew him to be.

Not that Sora would ever actually call Riku the Ice Queen.

“Sometimes I wish that Roxas would have just stayed quiet in there,” Riku said after a few moments of silence. Sora glanced out at the street again, feeling Roxas stirring a bit inside of himself. Though Riku might have felt that way, Sora couldn’t really say the same. He actually liked Roxas, and whether that was because the Nobody had once been part of himself or because they genuinely got along he didn’t really know. All he knew was that the presence of the blonde was comforting and powerful, as there were things that Roxas was confident in that Sora lacked.

That and sometimes it felt good to let Roxas’ temper flare up, because it was infinitely more extreme than his own.

Sora sighed again, bringing Riku’s face up from his side and making their eyes meet. He didn’t want this to become a problem between them, as there was no choice in the matter. More than that, there would be no way for Riku to change Sora’s mind on the situation. Though the Keyblade Master may have been gentle and kind, he was nevertheless stubborn.

“Understand, damn it,” Sora said, shaking Riku’s head as though by doing so he could force the point in, which earned him wide eyes from his lover. “No matter what the consequences are, the price of doing nothing is worse. We…will…die. Do you understand me? Dead. I will be dead.”

Sora’s eyebrow twitched upward, his face deadly serious as he watched Riku’s eyes water up slightly. He was getting through, so he continued. “This is my only chance. I don’t have any choice.”

He let go of Riku’s head, his eyes narrowing with a slight bit of annoyance. Sometimes Riku’s streak of bull-headedness got very old, but that was simply how his best friend was…and had always been. “And don’t blame this on Roxas,” Sora said, pointing at Riku’s nose. “If you were trapped inside someone else’s head, you would struggle to get out too. In fact, I remember you doing exactly the same once upon a time.”

“That’s not the same!” Riku said loudly, pulling away from Sora’s hands and taking two steps backwards. “That’s not the same at all! Xehanort’s heartless was never a part of me…it just tried to take me. But Roxas was a part of you…and now he doesn’t want to be!”

With that he crossed his arms over his chest and turned around, his shoulders shaking slightly with emotional instability. Sora stared at those shoulders gently shaking and quickly climbed down from his perch on the porch railing to wrap his arms up and around Riku’s waist, burying his nose between the strong shoulder blades. He could almost instantly feel Riku’s body relaxing, and so he hugged his arms harder as though he could squeeze the pain out of him. Finally he felt a colossal shudder run through the body in his arms and a loud sigh.

“I don’t want you to go away,” Riku whispered, Sora’s heart breaking just a little at the sound of his friend’s voice. “I don’t want to be all by myself again…”

“You won’t be,” Sora interrupted, fingers digging into the fabric of Riku’s shirt and tugging him around. “I won’t let you be alone…don’t worry. I saved the whole universe right? This is a cake walk.”

“You sure?” Riku replied softly, rubbing their noses together lightly.

“Of course…have I ever steered you wrong before?”

Riku’s eyebrow raised playfully, a small grin spreading across his face as his arms drew Sora closer. “Well, you know there was that one time when we were kids that you…!”

Sora shut him up with a soft press of lips and a bright laugh, pulling away after a moment and shaking his head happily. Everything was going to be all right, he could feel it from the tip of his nose down to the bottom of his feet. All they had to do was get over the hard stuff and then everything would be fine. The only problem that Sora was having at the moment (other than Riku still going on about the time that Sora had accidentally made them both fall out of a rather large tree) was that Roxas had gone suspiciously silent. Usually whenever Sora was making some kind of large decision like this, he could feel Roxas’ agreement (or usually disagreement). But now…he was quiet.

That alone made Sora nervous…

“Hey Sora!” he heard from the front door, turning his head slowly to the sight of Hayner coming towards them with a phone in his hand. He waved it around a bit and motioned in the direction of the old mansion, a smile on his face. “Some old guy called and said its time. I think he was trying too hard to sound mysterious but whatever. I guess you should bust outta here.”

Sora’s face fell a little bit, glancing up at Riku with a small smile. Biting at his bottom lip softly, he leaned in next to his lover’s ear and whispered a few soothing words before patting him on the cheek and walking off alone. He didn’t want to have to deal with anyone while he did this, since it was his courage alone that was going to see him through to the end. All he wanted to do now was get there and get it over with.

But not before having a talk with someone else…

The first time that Roxas had pulled Sora inside of his own head for a confrontation Sora hadn’t really known what was going on. In fact, it had taken him months just to really understand what the hell Roxas had done to them. But now that they’d been merged for quite some time, it had become commonplace for Sora and Roxas to speak on the stained glass platform of their joined minds. And so that was where Sora went now as he walked, his vision shifting from what was outside to the far more confusing plane of what was inside.

When his vision cleared he was once again standing on the platform, gazing out into almost complete darkness all around him. Roxas was there too, but didn’t look at him. He was sitting with his legs dangling off the edge, looking down into the depths of Sora’s mind as though he were reading a book. At first Sora didn’t think that Roxas knew he was there, but when the blonde turned identical blue eyes to him he knew that he hadn’t come in unexpected.

“We’re not going to do this if you’re going to damn well die,” Roxas said without preliminaries. That’s just how Roxas was, straight to the point, no dilly-dallying. “I won’t risk dying along with you and…I don’t particularly want to see you dead either.”

Roxas came up slowly, circling Sora while looking him over in a scrutinizing way. “We aren’t going to die Roxas,” Sora said, his voice sure and confident. He stared straight ahead while being circled, not certain what his Nobody was expecting of him. “We’re going to give you a new lease on life.”

“And what of it? Will it really be my life? Or will I still be your shadow?” Roxas said, stopping and staring at Sora’s resolute eyes. The two of them had already been through this at least four times, Roxas wondering what all of it meant and Sora insisting that Roxas was no longer just his Nobody. Apparently they needed to discuss it again though as Roxas had that look on his face that told Sora that he was still unconvinced.

Roxas stared quietly, trying without success to truly understand the situation. He didn’t understand where this ingrained optimism came from in his Other, something that seemed to conquer every fear and obstacle. Since the moment they’d rejoined, Roxas had had to learn what it meant to feel things, to have strong emotions unlike the muted ones he’d had before. He’d pretty much mastered them all other than this…hope…positive thoughts. It all pretty much baffled him still.

“You aren’t my shadow now,” Sora said simply, as though that should have explained everything. Roxas sighed, bringing his hand up to his forehead and rubbing at his temples with his index finger and thumb. “You know you’re more than that don’t you? Otherwise you would have just faded away into me. But you didn’t…”

“I know I didn’t!” Roxas snapped back. “But now that I’m having to go through all this bullshit I sort of wish I had!”

Roxas took a step backwards when he saw Sora’s slight shock and sadness, shaking his head as if to clear it. He hadn’t meant that at all, but he was having such a tough time controlling himself lately that everything was spewing out of him without his say-so. He cast apologetic eyes at his Other, shrugging lightly and turning back around to gaze at the stained glass beneath his feet. He was beginning to hate that damn glass, as it was all that he’d seen for the better part of a year and a half. It was time to see the world through his own eyes again…though sometimes he wondered if he’d ever really seen anything at all.

“Sorry,” he muttered, toeing the ground slightly. “I’m just…frustrated.”

“Me too Roxas,” Sora answered, walking up behind Roxas and placing a hand on the other teen’s shoulder. Over time, Roxas had ceased to be his Nobody and become something of a little brother, making Sora feel…protective? He felt a desperate need to watch over Roxas, to make certain that no harm came to him. “Everything is going to work out. It just will.”

Turning an almost blank gaze (that Sora had finally figured out was the face he used when he was trying to cover up how he felt) to Sora, Roxas let a small smile crack his otherwise expressionless face. “I don’t know how you know that,” Roxas murmured “but we don’t have any other choice here do we?”

“Not really…besides…don’t you want to finally get away from me?” Sora answered, clapping Roxas on the back playfully.

“I am a little sick of sitting around in your brain watching you and Riku make out.”

“Roxas!”

Roxas’ amused laughter was still fading away in his brain as he came back to himself, just in time to feel himself slammed back onto the ground. The first thing he saw as his brain focused on the current situation was the sky, his arms spread on either side of himself as he stared up at the passing clouds. What the hell was going on? This had happened before though, when he became so preoccupied with the conversation going on inside his head that he forgot to look at what was going on.

At least he hadn’t fallen into a sewer grate like last time…

“Kid, we just keep running into each other,” a voice came from above him, a red head suddenly coming into view and a pair of startling green eyes looking down at him.

Axel…

Axel’s first day at the gallery had gone surprisingly well, as he and Lulu (after having some strange kind of struggle for dominance that neither seemed to win) had gotten along pretty well, and found out that some of their personality traits were pretty similar. She’d shown him around, given him some new equipment, and begun to ask him what kind of thing he was more skilled at painting. After giving her a blank stare, he’d told her he had absolutely no idea whatsoever.

So for the next three hours she’d had him paint everything from still life and the ceiling to the dog taking a piss on the tree outside and a portrait of Lulu herself. He’d been particularly proud of the portrait, and between the eight (or so) things he’d painted that day they decided that the portrait had been his strongest picture. So with that thought in mind she’d assigned him to take on the next portrait commission that the gallery agreed to. Of course, in the meantime he was going to be painting still life…but hopefully that would soon change.

He was on his way home again when he started thinking…mostly about that kid. Axel had found that sleep eluded him most of the night, and his mind was instead consumed with thoughts of those blue eyes. It was almost like they were haunting him, though that was absolutely stupid. Every time he’d attempted sleep the vision of those same blue eyes looking over a cloaked and shadowed shoulder would startle him into wakefulness and he had to start calming himself down all over again.

All in all…he’d done a lot of tossing and turning.

Suddenly a sharp thud to his chest startled him from his thoughts and he looked down in time to see that same kid, now lying prone on the ground. Laughing softly, he walked over to him and leaned down, extending a hand to help him get up.

“Kid, we just keep running into each other,” he said cocking his head from side to side. They teen looked surprised, even shocked to see him, and once again Axel wondered why he looked that way when they’d never met before. Not waiting for him to take the offered hand, Axel reached down and grabbed his skinny arm, pulling him roughly to his feet. Raising an eyebrow when he didn’t receive any response but a gaping mouth, he began brushing off the kid’s back.

Sora found it nearly impossible to speak as once again he found himself staring at someone who had to be…but couldn’t be…Axel. True, he didn’t look exactly like he had…the red hair was calmer and longer and the tattoos on his face were gone. But the voice and face were exactly the same along with the demeanor and attitude. Sora shook his head in amazement as the redhead brushed off his clothes, not knowing what to say but knowing he had to say something.

“Um…” he stammered out. “Yeah. Sorry about that. I’m Sora.”

He waited, Roxas virtually falling over in shock, for the response from the other man, his heart beating in his chest so loudly that he was afraid when the man said his name that he’d miss it all together. Sora was about to ask for his name when he took a step backwards and grinned, pointing up himself with his thumb and grinning brilliantly.

“Name’s Axel…commit it to memory?” he said, winking quickly.

Sora could have fallen over in that moment, his head so full of noises that he could barely think. Between his own raging excitement and Roxas agonized and disbelieving screams he was effectively left doing nothing but gaping again. Finally he pulled himself together enough to bring his hand up to the back of his neck and speak.

“You’re new around here I guess,” Sora said, laughing nervously. “I haven’t ever seen you around before…”

“You could say that,” Axel said, looking down the street a little further. “You could say I just…dropped in unexpectedly.”

“Ah, well…”

“See you around then Sora,” Axel said, walking off. But before he turned the corner towards his house he chanced one more look backwards, only to find the kid still standing in place, staring off into space as though he’d been hit with a stun spell. Weird kid. But Axel liked him anyway…

“He’s alive! How did he survive!? What’s going on? Why didn’t he know who you were?” Roxas questioned rapidly in Sora’s head, eventually flustering Sora so much that he started throwing his hands in the air as though swatting away bees or something. “Sora, what’s going on?”

“I don’t know Roxas! I don’t know! When we get to the mansion we’ll ask, okay!”

“Well then…hurry up!”

With that Sora was off, running through the tram plaza to the woods where he slowed down to catch his breath. Apparently the stamina he’d gained while being a heroic type had kind of worn off…because seriously he was winded. Shaking his head with a short laugh, he took off a sprint for the front gates of the mansion, stopping when he reached the large lock. What the hell? Why was it locked again?

“Okay seriously!” he called, putting his hands on his hips. “You guys could keep it unlocked now! Who’s going to break in?”

Putting his hand out, he smiled when the keyblade came floating in front of his face to be gripped in his hand solidly. At least he hadn’t forgotten how to do that. Aiming the blade at the lock, he nodded in a satisfied way when it gave way and allowed the large iron gates to swing open.

“Are you ready for this Roxie?” Sora said with a small giggle.

“Fucking don’t call me Roxie…let’s go…”