Forgotten Tears

There was a day I believed
you lead me through this shadowland
But you found a way to revive my fears again and again
This was the time when no one, really no one cares for me
And in this dark time
My heart was made of glass...

Blutengel "Our time"

Forgotten Tears

Part II – “The world has changed”

The carriage stopped when it reached the magnificent house, surrounded with numerous trees. The neatly dressed young man came out. He looked a lot like Durer, but had brown hair, and was taller. At first he just stood there, admiring the place, feeling the beautiful scent of flowers and trees. It’d been long time since his last visit.

He headed towards the door, and when he knocked, the lackey opened.

“Welcome home, Sir.” He bowed.

“Long time no see.” The young man smiled, and entered. “Where’s my baby brother?”

“He’s in the sitting room, playing piano.”

“I’ll make him a surprise.” The young male went silently to the sitting room, and saw Durer sitting at the piano, with his back facing him. He played one of Mozart’s concerts. Other male watched him for a while, listening to the music. He found the melody somehow sad, and beautiful at the same time. But no matter how much he liked it, he couldn’t stand like that all day. He approached the boy from behind, and covered his eyes, making him jump on his seat.

“Guess who?”

“Ahh! You scared me!” Durer yelled.

“Calm down. It’s just me. Calm down.”

Durer looked at his older brother, feeling a lot better now.

“Gerard!” He hugged him.

“Ohhh, carefully. You don’t want to strangle me, do you?”

“Sorry.” Durer released his brother from his tight embrace.

“Look! I brought you your favorite croissants, as always.” Gerard handed his brother a package.

“Thanks.”

“Is Dad home?”

“No, he has some business to do.”

“Well, it’s still time to dinner so maybe we’ll go to our favorite place? Come on!” Gerard took his brother by the hand and dragged him outside.


They sat in the shadow. The trees and water make air in this area cooler. They could spend time like that for hours, however something changed. Durer stayed very silent and it made his brother a bit worried.

“Hey, what’s with that sad look? I arrived. Aren’t you happy?” Gerard nudged him with his elbow.

“I am happy.”

“But you don’t look so. What’s the matter?”
“Everything’s fine.” Durer said emotionless.

“You told me nothing so far. How is father?”

After this question the blond turned his face away from his brother and said nothing.

“Hey! What’s wrong?” The older male grabbed the other by his shoulder, and forced him to looked at him. Then he saw tears in the boy’s eyes. “What happened? Why are you crying?”

“It’s nothing.” Durer whipped his eyes clean with the sleeve.

“You’re lying. What happened? You can tell me.” Gerard placed a hand on his brother’s shoulder.

“I... I...” The younger male tried to say something, but the words didn’t want to come out.

“Is it about father?”

More tears leaked from Durer’s eyes so Gerard took it as a positive answer.

“Did he hurt you?”

Durer nodded, and by now, his older brother new something really bad had happened. He bit his lip afraid of what might be revealed in a second.

“Did he use you?”

“How... how do you know?” Durer looked at his brother shocked, his cheeks still wet from tears.

“He did it to me... long time ago.” Gerard lowered his head, feeling painful memories coming back.

“What?! Why didn’t you tell me?!”

“Shhhhh...” The older teen embraced his brother, trying to calm him down. “He stopped when mother found out. I thought he won’t do it ever again, but now when mother left us... Maybe that’s the reason.”

“Why did he do that?” Durer cried into his brother’s shirt.

“I don’t know. I just don’t know...” Whispered the older male.

Durer looked directly into his eyes.

“Gerard, do you remember when long time ago I used to sneak to your room and sleep in your bed, because I was afraid of darkness?”

“Yes?”

“Can... can we sleep today in one bed as we used to?”

“Yeah, sure. But why? Are you still afraid of darkness?

“No, not of darkness.”


As promised Gerard slept with his younger brother in one bad that night. Durer cuddled to him, feeling safe after a few weeks of fear. He knew it won’t last forever. He knew that Gerard will leave him again and all the fear will return. But he tried not to think about that. Focus only on the current moment, and imagine there’s nothing outside. No fear, no pain, no humiliation. Only two brothers lying peacefully in one, huge bed, far away from cares.

“I wish you could take me with you.” Whispered the younger one.

“But I can’t. You know that.”

“What should I do?”

No matter how hard Gerard wanted to answer this question, he couldn’t find the proper reply. He wanted to help his brother, but he was out of his reach. He felt helpless.

“Please, sleep now.” That was all he could say.


In the morning Gerard entered his father’s office not very politely. He hadn’t even knocked. The anger was present in his eyes, but Bollanet, instead of asking what had happened, just looked calmly at his son, waiting for him to speak.

“How could you do that to him?” There had never been so much poison in Gerard’s voice like now.

“Excuse me?” Bollanet just raised one eyebrow, still looking perfectly calm.

“Stop pretending!” Gerard shouted in fury “You harassed your youngest child. How could you?! You swore on the mother’s grave you won’t do it again!”

“You’re overprotective. Remember you’re not his father. You’re only two years older than him.”

“But I could be a better father than you!”

“You have no manners. It seems sending you to school was a waste of money. Could you, please, leave this room?”

And everything ended as soon as it started. Gerard wanted to throw something, to destroy something, to show his anger, but it wouldn’t help his brother anyway. He had already lost. From the very beginning he hadn’t had a chance to win. He couldn’t win with his own father. He turned towards the exit and left the room quickly, shutting the door loudly.


The year had passed. Very long, hard year. Durer found a new “hobby”. Sometimes, when no one was watching, he left the house and ran straight ahead, through the meadows, through the forests, through the fields. He new he won’t go far away. There’s always someone to find him. Sometimes a servant, sometimes his father. And he had nowhere to go anyway. But he liked those short periods of freedom. He could imagine that no one was chasing him, no one was hurting him. Just like long time ago. But those moments always had an end, and he was dragged back home a few minutes later.

He hated his house. He felt so alone, without hope or anyone who could help him. Even if the servants knew, they wouldn’t dare to disobey their master. Even his tutor couldn’t help him. Once he saw everything. He entered the room and saw Durer tied down, crying, and Bollanet thrusting into him. The tutor lost his voice for a moment, from the utter shock. But Bollanet just stop his ministrations, paid the man quite a large amount of money, saying that he wouldn’t like to loose such a good tutor. Of course it silenced the man efficaciously.

The house he had loved many years ago, now became a prison. He couldn’t leave it, even if he wanted. He had all the luxury, but lacked something most important – freedom. It was like living in a golden cage. But he didn’t know that the golden cage would become a steel one very soon.

“Where’s my baby brother?” Gerard ask the servant. He visited his family house as usual in the summer. He had paid a visit also during Christmas, with his older siblings. Now it was the beginning of July, and everything looked deep green, the grass and the trees.

“He’s in the garden, sir. Training.”

“Training what?”

“Shooting, sir.”

Gerard gave a servant a puzzled look, but said nothing. Instead he went to the garden. As soon as he heard the noise, he knew the servant was right. He saw his brother holding a pistol, aiming to the target. He gave a few shoots, and surely he didn’t do it for a first time. He was too good.

“Take a break! Your brother has arrived!” Gerard said cheerfully as usual.

“Oh... hi.” Durer smiled, but Gerard expected he would be more excited.

“Won’t you hug me?”

Durer hugged him, but it seemed he did it only to be polite.

“Where did you get this weapon?” Asked the older male.

“Father gave it to me for my birthday.”

“Well, I brought you something as well, but you know what it is.” He handed his brother the same package as a year before.

“Thanks. Come with me. There will be a dinner soon.”


A few days, since Gerard’s arrival, they had spent together. It restored some happiness in young teen’s heart. He felt secure again, even if it wouldn’t last long. On the day of 14th of July they decided to go for a trip to Paris. They didn’t realize that was the worst day they might actually choose.

“What’s happening?” Durer asked confused, looking through the window. As further they ride the more alarming signs they saw. There was too much soldiers on the streets, and it seemed they were in a hurry. Something had to happen. Soon they heard noises, like firing a cannon, and the carriage stopped.

Gerard went outside to check if everything was ok.

“We can’t go any further. It’s too dangerous.” Said the driver.

“What happened?”

“People say the Bastille is stormed. The city is in a chaos.”

“What?!”

“We can’t stay in this madness.”

“Lets get out of here!”

Gerard returned to the wagon, trying to calm down his brother. They left the city, however the chaos also affected their house.


The evening passed peacefully, but there’s always a silence before the storm. The “lightening” struck at night, just before brothers planned to go to sleep.

“What happened? I heard a sound of smashed glass.” Durer asked the lackey, quite alarmed.

“It seems Monsieur Bollanet is not in the good mood, sir. He didn’t let me enter his office.”

“Damn!”

Both brothers ran to see if their father was ok. When they approached the door to the office, they heard even more dreadful sounds.

“Dad, are you ok? Dad?!” Durer knocked to the door, but no one answered. He entered the room with his brother. “Dad, what are you doing?”

The whole room was in the mess. Bollanet sat at the desk, drinking brandy, and looking depressed.

“We’re doomed.” He said, emptied the glass and poured some more.

“What are you taking about?! Stop drinking!” Ordered the older brother.

“It’s the end.” Bollanet emptied the next glass.

“Oh, come one. They just destroyed a prison, and killed a few guys. It’s not the end of anything.” Gerard tried his best to make his father feel better, but it didn’t help.

“You know nothing! From now on being a noble is like being sentenced to death. It’s the end of our civilization.”

“It’s not that bad, Dad.” When Durer said so, Bollanet stood up, and approached him with some difficulties.

“My little Durer, you’re always with me when I need you.” He stroked his youngest son’s face, and massaged his bottom with his other hand. “My dear child...”

“Stop it!” The blond teen tried to pushed his father away. He felt the hand in his pants and a hot breath on his neck, what made him feel sick.

“Get your filthy hands off him!” The anger overtook the other boy and he punched his father, making him land on the floor.

The drunk man sat up, looking very angry.

“Get out off my house!” He shouted “Get out!”

Gerard watched his father with horror and disbelief. Then looked at his brother who had a pained expression on his face.

“Please, do it.” Durer said, even though he didn’t want to “He will kill you. Please...”

A few minutes later Gerard was already packing.