Barflies

It's all fun and wargames until someone gets hurt....

By: Bif Mayorga

Disclaimer: Characters based on intellectual property of Blizzard Inc. No characters were based on existing players or characters in game. Any similarities in name or likewise is purely coincidental
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“Wade! I demand a stiff drink and a bowl of peanuts post haste before I explode in a fiery ball of rage!”

“Ah, so the usual, eh?” The goblin quipped as he filled the glass and grabbed a fresh bowl of peanuts.

“Don’t start with me Wade, not today! I’m liable to kill!”

“Oh, like we haven’t heard THAT before! Death threats from Allerdyce! Haw haw haw!”

“Bill, just go back to doing what you do best, belching and farting at your boyfriend there, and leave the sarcasm to the pros.” The orc looked at his troll friend and both shrugged at each other before the troll hiked his left leg and cut loose. The two began giggling and laughing, like schoolboys.

“What’s got you so wound up Alley?” the goblin asked as he cleaned a glass with his towel.

“The Stormwind Tax Collection Agency dropped by today. Appears I owe fifty-seven gold in back taxes! Fifty-seven! Where am I going to find that kind of money?”

As if on cue the door flew open and Roderick walked in. His trademark smile plastered on his face, Allerdyce wondered if the gnome knew any other emotion than happiness. In fact, the gnome was SO happy it made his flesh crawl.

“Alley! I heard about what happened! Why didn’t you tell me?”

”Simple twit, because it’s none of your damn business!”

“Oh pishaw! You’re my best friend! I can’t let them toss you out into the cold!”

“You have fifty seven gold?”

“No. But I have some ideas!”

“Oh good lord, that’s ALL I need!”

“Now hear me out!”

“Ok, let’s have it.”

“Ok, check this out! I’ve heard that the alliance and horde are working on a set of war games to play against each other.”

“War games?! What the bloody hell for?!”

“They think the competition will help with interfaction relations, create mutual respect between opponents. That kind of thing. Check it out, I have a pamphlet!”

Allerdyce began to read the pamphlet, snickering every once and a while.

“So, the answer to horde/alliance tension is capture the flag? I can’t believe someone can be that stupid! Oh, wait, you and Bill are here, I guess someone CAN be that stupid.”

The orc feigned crying as his troll buddy jokingly patted him on the back.

“There’s three games in all Alley, and they hand out good cash prizes if you win! We have a month to get that money right?! Why not give it a shot?”

“I suppose you’re right…. For once. Unless someone else has a better idea, maybe one that doesn’t involve capture the flag or dodgeball. I know, why not table tennis? That’d make me hate an orc less! “Gee Grunk, I wanted to kill you, but your table tennis skills have made me see you in a new light!” “Why thank you Allerdyce! Did I mention you’re quite handsome?” Give me a friggin break.”

“A man once paid me seventy gold to make love to me for a night” the lonely night elf at the end of the bar muttered, staring at his drink. “We did it for several hours before I removed his entrails……magical…”

Roderick and Allerdyce just stared at him for a moment. Allerdyce finally shook his head to clear the cobwebs. “Crane… I thought we told you to not be so…..what’s the word?.... right on the tip of my tongue…. Oh yeah! FUCKING NUTS!”

The night elf shrugged and went back to his drink, not saying another word.

The door opened and in walked a little female goblin, her orange hair pulled back into a ponytail. Holding the door for her was an orc hunter, Huckmet, his worg Brock followed the goblin for a ways, finally breaking off to take his spot under the table his master was usually sitting at.

“There you are Cosette! You’re late!” Wade said, a look of concern on his face.

“Sorry brother, class ran longer than I expected. I would have been later if Huck hadn’t given me a ride on his worg.”

Allerdyce snickered.

“What’s so funny Alley?”

“I was just picturing Cosette riding on Brock’s back like a horse!”

Roderick and Allerdyce both chuckled.

“Ok, so here’s the plan, we get up nice and early tomorrow and enroll for Battlegrounds”

“Peachy… I’ll try not to burst with excitement” said Allerdyce.

“Battlegrounds? What’s that?” Cosette asked.

“Oh, it’s like wargames between alliance and horde Cosette, me and Alley are gonna enroll!”

“You’d take Allerdyce to a competition? That’s a sure fire way to lose!” Cosette said with a grin

“Yeah, you’d know all about losing. You lost at the lottery, you lose at life, and you obviously lost the fight against being ugly.” Allerdyce said with a sneer. Cosette’s eyes filled with tears and she ran crying across the bar to the waiting arms of Huckmet. “Awww, don’t cry peaches, he ain’t worth it!” Huckmet soothed as he scowled at Allerdyce.

“So anyways” Allerdyce continued as he turned back towards the bar. “I saw Trina today and man was she smokYOOOOOOWCH!” Allerdyce screamed as he lept into the air. Hands flying back to cup his butt, a hole ripped in the material of his robe. He spun around to see Brock staring up at him, the missing material of his robe hanging from the cinder worg’s oversized fang. Brock growled menacingly and barked at Allerdyce, causing the mage to jump a little, before it sauntered back to his master’s table to flop down at Huck’s feet and resume gnawing on his bone.

“Control that mutt!” Allerdyce hissed “Or so help me I’ll turn him into a coat!”

Brock just barked at him again, making Allerdyce flinch. Huckmet just laughed and went back to his conversation with Cosette.

Three days later Allerdyce and Roderick were huddled around a fire near Stonehearth Bunker in Alterac Valley. “It is so damn cold here. I haven’t seen my penis in days!” Allerdyce complained. “You should have brought some winter clothes. I told you that robe wasn’t going to be enough.” “Roddy, I have something for you” “What’s that Alley?” The gnome looked excitedly as Allerdyce dug around in his pocket. “It’s in here somewhere, no, no, no, AH! Here it is!” Allerdyce withdrew his hand and flashed Roderick the bird, the gnome frowned and went back to warming his hands by the fire.

“This is all your damn fault. “Let’s go enroll in Battlegrounds! We can make tons of money and have fun to boot! I’m a big dumb jackass!” you sound like that by the way! Well, here we are, been fighting the SAME damn battle for almost 5 days..”

“We’ve only been in BGs for 3 days… and I don’t remember saying I was a big dumb jackass….” The gnome said with a puzzled look

“3 days, 5 days, who fuckin cares?! I’m out here freezing my cajones off while we play tug of war with the horde. All because we have 38 people trying to be leaders and the all SUCK! It’s always “Let’s take Snowfall! Then we’ll push them back!”. Which is dumber than a dog shit flavored pie! I mean that graveyard is useless! It has no strategical advantage other than it’s 20 yards closer to the horde base camp! We’ve been back and forth for so long I feel seasick!”

”Yeah.. I thought for sure we had them when we brought Ivus.”

“The first or second time?”

“The second”

“Oh yeah, damn near had them until some moron called for a retreat because the horde tapped Stonehearth Graveyard. If I ever find the idiot that called for that I’d beat him within an inch of his life and wait for him to heal before I switched to the metric system and beat him within a centimeter of his life…”

“I think it was Dixon.”

“Imagine my shock.. I mean look at my face… that’s the look of pure shock! The most notorious of bubblehearthers called for a retreat…. You just don’t see that coming!”

Roderick chuckled with Allerdyce.

“You men are pretty far back from the front” Allerdyce and Roderick turned to see a human male in the shiniest plate armor walking towards them, his long blonde hair and well groomed beard making him look like the typical male lead in some fantasy novel. “You should be further up, we’re assaulting Iceblood, they’ll need every available hand.”

“Relax Sergeant Dixon, we just came back to life and wanted to warm up a bit before we go and needlessly die again.”

“THAT kind of attitude will get you nowhere Private Allerdyce! A battle can only be won through courage, determination, and sacrifice!”

“Ah, three things our leaders currently lack…” Allerdyce muttered.

“What was that?!”

“Oh nothing sir, just observing how our leaders were seemingly born without balls.” Allerdyce saluted Dixon mockingly and began to walk towards the front lines. Dixon sputtered, his face a dark shade of crimson. “Wha-wha-what do you mean “without balls”?! I’m ALWAYS at the front line fighting! If it wasn’t for me we’d still be defending Snowfall!” Allerdyce snickered. “Yes, you’re at the front lines, right up until the horde gets there, then you bubble and hearthstone as far away as you can get. You claim you’re working on harnesses for the ram riders, but I know you’re probably cleaning the crap out of your armor.”

“I refuse to stand here and be degraded by a commoner!”

“And I refuse to take orders from a man who shits himself at the first sight of a tauren.”

“G-g-g-g-g-get to the f-f-f-f-f-fr-front before I kill you myself”

Roderick and Allerdyce started to mount up and head for Iceblood.

“Not you rogue!” Roderick stopped. “Command is sending a team of rogues and feral druids to assault Frostwolf graveyard. You, however, private are free to rejoin the main assault force and die a nice painful death.”

Allerdyce rejoined his mage bretheren at the back lines, firing magic missiles and fire and ice bolts at the oncoming horde defenders. He yawned of boredom and sat to drink some water and let his mana recharge. Above the fray he heard the squeaky voice of a gnome female. “Can we not just stand here all day?! I’d like to finish this battle some time before I die of OLD AGE!” she sneered. “Then again I’m stuck with the most incompetent army in history, so I can’t expect you to make me acup of coffee and not fuck it up, let alone win a battle!” Allerdyce grinned and rose to his feet. He began to walk towards the gnomette. She turned to face him as he stood next to her. “What do YOU want?!” she asked. “I got your cup of coffee” he said with a smile. Her face softened into a grin. The two stood side by side for a bit, fighting the horde and shouting words of insult and ridicule at their army. Finally the gnome turned to him. “I’m bored as hell, you?”

“Yeah”

“Wanna go somewhere and fuck?” she asked.

Allerdyce sputtered before answering her. “Me?!”

“Sure!”

“Yeah! Great!”

She cheered

“Let’s leave these losers”

Riding back from the front they came to an empty bunker and snuck inside. No sooner had Allerdyce closed the door than she was on him. She flipped up his robe and snuck underneath it while he leaned back against the wall. All he could see was an unnatural bulge around his groin and legs in the fabric. He could feel her hands running up and down his thighs, the inside of his robe starting to get hot. He felt her unbutton the front of his boxers and fish his cock out through the hole, the heat of her breath as she panted on his cock warming up the flesh and making his knees weak. He sighed in contentment as she engulfed his member, hands resting on the back of her covered head as it bobbed up and down on his pole. The pleasure getting to him, he started to fuck her face. He was surprised at her skill, she never gagged nor did he feel her teeth at any point, she was goooood! “Oh baby, I’m about to blow my load in that mouth if you don’t stop!’ he warned. With one last drawn out slurp she let him go, coming out from under his robe, hair unkempt, her pigtails crooked and messy. She motioned for him to lie down, and he complied, his robe tented over his hard cock.

“It’s way to cold to disrobe here, so you’re just going to have to imagine what my tits and pussy look like” she said, reaching under her own robe to remove her panties. His throat dried and he swallowed as he knew that her pussy was bare and accessible under that flowing robe. He couldn’t help but wonder if she was wearing a bra. Meanwhile she was pulling his robe up and around his waist, revealing his hardon to the cold air. “Gods it’s cold as hell.” He complained. “Let Pixil warm you up then!” she said, moving to straddle his waist, lowering herself down. Her hand holding his cock steady as it vanished under her robe and between her thighs. He could feel the heat radiating from her pussy as the tip of his cock neared. He let out a groan as she slipped him inside her. She was hotter and tighter than any woman he could remember.. well, the two others he had managed to get his dick into in his lifetime. “Yes! That’s what Pixil needed!” She said as her tiny butt came to rest on his balls, a dreamy smile on her face. She began to bounce up and down on his lap, the pigtails of her pink hair reminding him of a rabbit as she hopped on his cock. He ran his hands up to cup and squeeze her small breasts under her robe. They were probably quite impressive by gnome standards, but to him they barely filled his palms. Up and down she bounced for a while, giving his cock the most delicious feeling. Finally her knees tired and she changed positions. Turning herself around she mounted him reverse, on her hands and knees, buttocks rocking back and forth as her hungry cunt swallowed him to the roots. He kneaded and squeezed the cheeks of her tiny ass while she humped him.

“Oh wow, I think I’m gonna…. I really am… I’m really gonna cuUUUUM!” she cried. Her already snug pussy squeezing down almost painfully on him, sending him over the edge. “Oh fuck I’m cummin’!” he said, his cock unloading inside her still spasming pussy. “That’s it baby, fill Pixil up real good! Cum in my little gnome pussy! Yeah!”

Finally Allerdyce’s cock stopped pulsing, his orgasm coming to completion. Pixil pulled her robe up around her waist as she stood, and when she turned and walked towards her backpack Allerdyce got a good luck at her hairless pussy as his cum flowed out of it. The sight was almost disturbing, had he not known any better, she could easily be mistaken for a young human girl, as she bent over to rummage through her backpack for something to clean off with. Her backside on full display for him as her robe hung bunched around her waist, her tiny little butt, the pucker of her anus, and her little pussy, still agape and drooling a combination of their juices down her thighs as well as dripping to the floor.

Finally they cleaned up, using a towel she had stashed in her bag. Looking down at her as they shared a smoke, he asked “So, you wanna go hang out sometime later this week Pixil?” She giggled as she looked up at him “Don’t take this the wrong way guy, but I’m not in the market for a relationship right now. I just needed a good fuck and you were the right cock at the right time.” He shrugged and they walked out together to rejoin the fight.

Later in the day Roderick rejoined him, the raid on Frostwolf went poorly, just as Allerdyce declared it would. He made sure to remind everyone, even Roderick that he had said so.

Later that night they were gathered around the bonfire. The alliance finally winning the battle of Alterac Valley. Both teams sat around the fire, warming their aching bones as they drank and ate their fill. Roderick handed Allerdyce a mug of beer as he sat next to him.

“You seem different tonight….less of a prick than usual. What gives?”

“Well, while you were out getting your head kicked in like the useless buffoon you are, I was getting laid.”

“No kidding?! Who would be that desperate?”

“Well, if you must know you jackass, I happened to get me some fine gnome booty.”

“Ewww, you screwed another guy?! Oh my god! You’ve been gay this whole time?! Why didn’t you tell me?!”

“I’M NOT GAY YOU TWIT! IT’S A FIGURE OF SPEECH! I had sex with a gnome GIRL, a GIRL!”

“Oh…. OH! What was her name? Was she cute? Did she do a good job? What did she do? Do you think she has a sister?” The gnome asked about a hundred questions, each coming in faster and faster succession as he became more and more excited. Roderick stopped only when Allerdyce had become so frustrated he hurtled his mug at his head.

“Calm down moron before you have a seizure!”

“Sorry, sorry, I just got excited. I mean you got laid! You! I didn’t think anyone that looked or acted in like you COULD get laid!”

Allerdyce frowned, his left eyelid twitching.

“As I was saying” he growled through clinched teeth, Roderick quieting down to take a sip from his ale. “Her name was Pixil”

“Come again?”

“Pixil”

“Pixil?!”

“Yes, Pixil, am I speaking Taurahe?!”

“She didn’t have pink hair did she?!”

“Yes, yes she did, pulled into pigtails as a matter of fact”

“What class was she?!”

“A mage, damn good one too! Why?”

Roderick dropped his mug, hands trembling as they balled into fists.

“THAT WAS MY SISTER YOU BASTARD!” He yelled as he lunged at his friend. Allerdyce scrambled to his feet as he ran from Roderick.

”How was I supposed to know?!”

“You could have asked her if she had any family!”

“We didn’t spend that much time with small talk! She came on to ME!”

Roderick howled in rage.

“You banged my sister you rotten prick! I’ll cut your balls off!”

“Calm down man! It’s not my fault your sister is a horny slut!” Allerdyce’s hands slapped over his mouth, but the damage was done.

“S L U T ?!??!?!” Roderick almost screamed in anger. “I’LL KILL YOU!!”

The door to the Watery Grave flew open, casting a ray of bright sunlight on the all too sensitive pupils of the patrons, causing Crane to curse in Darnassian as he shielded his eyes, muttering something about how sunlight would vaporize his brain.

“What’ll it be you two” Wade asked.

“I’ll have the usual Wade” Roderick said with a smile as he plopped down on his stool.

“And you Alley?”

“Two shots of whiskey and some ice for THIS!” he said, pointing to his blackened right eye.

“Yowch! Where’d you get that lovely shiner?” Wade asked as he prepared the requested items.

“Roderick…”

“Roderick?!”

“Yup!” The gnome said with a smile.

“Why did Roderick punch you in the eye?”

“And why didn’t you punch him back you friggin wuss!”, came from an all too familiar voice.

“Well, I would have Bill, but I like to save up my hostility for your mother Bill. She likes it rough as I recall.” Bill frowned and went back to his drink, his troll buddy pointing at him and laughing before choking on a burp. Bill giggled with him as they exchanged several more burps. “Anyways, Captain Anger Management over here blasted me because I had sex with his sister.” He added, downing both shots of whiskey, grimacing.

“You had sex with Pixil?!” Wade asked, a look of shock and disgust on his face.

“Yes! I had sex with Pixil! How was I supposed to know she was his sister?!”

“EVERYONE knows she’s his sister!”

Allerdyce looked around the bar at all the nodding heads. Even Rahanna was nodding at him as she stared at him with her droopy bloodshot eyes. He turned to see Cosette standing there tapping her feet as she shook her head in disappointment. Huckmet frowning at him in disappointment.

“Oh go fuck yourselves! And pour me another shot!” he declared as he spun back around. The bar coming back to life as he and Roderick began to talk about random things. Bill and his buddy howling like loons as the troll lit his fart. Wade just stood back and watched the crowd of people in his bar as he cleaned a glass, a smile on his face.