At the Edge of Heaven

The incessant buzz of his terminal grated on his nerves. For over an hour it had squawked in his quiet quarters. He tried to ignore it but it was being as stubborn as that damned Cerberus agent had been. At least she hadn’t returned since the day before. The terminal needed to take the hint. Clenching his jaw and grinding his teeth, Shepard tried one last time to shut out the noise and slip back into his defeated despair. The terminal only continued the infernal buzzing.

“Damn it.” He angrily slammed his hand down to the mattress and pushed himself up slowly, shaking his head in frustration. All he wanted was quiet. He didn’t want to be bothered anymore. If he had to, he’d shoot the damned computer to shut it up. That would teach it.

The terminal only buzzed again and he sighed. Still clenching his teeth, he stood and rubbed his forehead roughly as a wave of dizziness crashed through him. He stood still as it washed over him before shaking his head free of it. He hadn’t moved in some time and it seemed his body didn’t like the sudden change. With another annoyed sigh, he walked away from his bed and up the small set of stairs to his desk. As he turned to face the desk, he saw the glaring and flashing orange light break the soothing light blue glow from the empty aquarium that lit his room. For a brief moment, he thought of shooting his terminal again. But he shook his head of the idea quickly as he leaned over to do something far simpler, even if far less satisfying… simply turn it off.

But his eyes caught the flashing status for the new message and were drawn to the name of the sender automatically. His finger froze, hovering over the switch. For long moments he stared at the flashing message, his finger poised to simply end the incessant stubbornness of the terminal. There was no reason to read the email. There was nothing in there that mattered to him. He should just turn it off and be done with the terminal. But still, his finger remained motionless. A small, soft pulse fluttered within him… a feeling, a tiny whisper to sit and read the message. It was a strange sensation. It was a silly sensation. He stared blankly at the screen for minutes, the urge to shut down the terminal battling the prodding feeling to sit and read it. It should have been no contest, that silly little feeling was idiotic. It was wrong.

But he listened to it anyway. A sudden burst of warmth flooded his body as his finger curled away from the power switch and glided slowly over to firmly tap the enter key. With a bright flash, the status update disappeared as the new window expanded to fill the screen. With a confused look, Shepard eased himself into the chair and began to read, that tiny whisper seeming to sigh in profound relief.

Commander Shepard:

Our scans in the Armada System…

* * *

Miranda nervously drummed her fingers off her console and her foot bounced ever so slightly off the floor. Everything was a jumble inside of her at the moment. She was damn near giddy that Shepard was actually up and out of his quarters. She was anxious that he had chosen to go alone to the surface of the planet, unsure of what he might do. And she was irritated with herself for all of that and the little glowing warmth that kept trying to spark into life in her chest. It was all so confusing. She just couldn’t sit still.

And maybe that unnerved her all the more. Before Shepard had come along, everything had been so easy. Everything she was asked to do, she did… damn near perfectly. She had always maintained poise and control, tampering her emotions and being cool and controlled. She was the Ice Queen. But now she was trembling like a worried mother or worse… an anxious schoolgirl. Ever since he accidentally woke in her lab and she had looked into his eyes, Shepard had screwed with her control. And she didn’t even know why. She didn’t like it. At all.

And now here she was, barely managing to remain seated, as Shepard was down the cold little planet after days of sulking in his room. She wanted to strangle him. But instead Miranda merely sighed once more. It had been a gamble allowing that message through. She was supposed to limit, if not sever, Shepard’s ties to the Alliance. The Illusive Man might not be pleased. But she had needed to do something before he wilted away in those dark quarters. Luckily, the gamble seemed to be paying off… he was out and he was moving. If only she didn’t have to wait the entire day in the process.

She rubbed her face with her hands, breathing deeply and trying to calm herself. There was no need to get that worked up over it. She kept telling herself that, but for some reason she wasn’t listening. It was extremely irritating. She needed a distraction. With another sigh, her fingers quickly glided over the keys to the terminal and she quickly pushed herself up and away from it as first notes of Nielsen’s Fifth began to play through the speakers. Slowly, she walked to the window and gazed out, her eyes drawn to the planet hovering just outside.

The planet glowed slightly, a strange ethereal shimmer wavering in her vision. It was oddly comforting. But there was something else there as well. She couldn’t place it exactly, a feeling hovering just out of reach, ticking at the edge of her senses. It wasn’t malicious, but it bothered her. She was used to things easily defined, things she could see and touch and dissect. This eluded that. It was just… a feeling. It made her nervous and made her body itch with the need to fidget. She crossed her arms across her chest, her fingers trapped between her arms and body, stopping them before they could even start to drum nervously.

What was wrong with her? She didn’t remember ever feeling this unhinged.

With steadying breaths she watched the large, near stationary swirls of wind and snow cover much of the planet save for a few clear, open spots. She couldn’t see anything from so far away, couldn’t tell just by looking where he was at. But she knew of course. Her training wouldn’t have let him go alone without knowing the precise coordinates by heart and knowing that this ship could land on top of him if necessary. Her eyes bored into those coordinates, her thoughts a jumble of confused anxiety, relief, and mysterious feelings as her fingers tried desperately to drum against her arms despite being trapped. She tried to clear her mind, but it didn’t seem to work anymore.

So she sighed and stood there, staring at the cold planet, worrying and hoping as she tried to lose herself in the music again, her foot beating an anxiously steady rhythm off the floor.

* * *

Shepard knelt slowly to pick up the glinting dog tag half buried in the snow. His legs were starting to burn slightly, and his hands were cold despite the protection of his armour. Long hours had passed since he had landed the shuttle amidst the scattered debris and begun his search. It could have gone quicker, easier if he wasn’t alone. But that soft little voice had told him that he needed to do this. Alone. And he listened. He didn’t know why, but he listened. With a low sigh, he picked up the tags and gently brushed the snow clear with his thumb.

Chase, Addison. The name was only vaguely familiar. Most of the names had been. Despite the smaller crew, he still hadn’t gotten to know everyone on board all that well. He had made the effort, but still many of these names only conjured a blurry face and a few short memories. Most of the time it didn’t bother him. It was ridiculous to assume you could befriend or know every member of your crew. But it didn’t stop him from feeling guilty at times, times like these. They had died under his command and he couldn’t really remember all of them aside from a name and a face. It felt wrong.

He shook his head. There was nothing he could do now aside from returning the tags to those soldier’s families. It wasn’t enough. It never was. With another sigh, Shepard stood and slowly pocketed the tags. He always wanted to do more. He shook his head again started forward through the wreckage once more, scouring every little area for another tag. At least he could do this one thing for these soldiers, for their families. It was something, even if he couldn’t deliver it himself to those families. Even if he still knew he had failed protecting those soldiers. He failed protecting a lot of things…

The words echoed in his head and his surrounding sharpened in sudden clarity. That tiny voice seemed to hum in relief again as cold waves shot through his body. The world lurched around him, his arms barely managing to keep him standing as he leaned against the wreckage of what was left of the old mess hall. His chest tightened painfully as those last thoughts and the familiar wreckage thundered loudly through his head. How could he have forgotten? He shut his eyes tightly, his senses flooding with the memory. All he could see, all he could hear… was her.

* * *

Her laughter echoed in the empty room. She squirmed as his fingers playfully tickled her side and stomach. She tried to swat his shoulder, but he doubled his efforts and she would shrink into the chair in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Shepard only smiled and continued his assault. After several long minutes of unrelenting tickling, her laughter started to break with short wheezing coughs. With a smug smile, his fingers slowly stopped their prodding and rested calmly on her side. He was victorious.

She took several deep breaths, still choking with laughter and glared at him playfully, tears running down her cheeks from the assault. She stuck her tongue out at the smile curling his lips teasingly before trembling with giggles. It took several more minutes until the laughter and giggles completely faded and she took a few normal breaths before exhaling loudly.

“Meanie.” She swatted his shoulder again and wiggled her nose at him.

Shepard laughed then slid one had over her side and around her waist. With a tug he slid her closer. Ashley smiled and leaned in as he dragged their bodies closer together behind the table. With a sigh, she slid one hand along his chest and rested her head on his shoulder.

Shepard smiled as his heart thumped in his chest. He had never felt so wonderful before. His arm tightened around her waist and he rested his cheek against the top of her head. He sighed happily, the woman he loved nestled against him in the silent and empty mess hall. He closed his eyes and basked in the moment. Her warmth blanketed him as he listened to her soft breathing. Her fingers drew small circles on his chest and rubbed her side gently in return. His heart swelled at the tenderness, his body and soul burning with love. It was perfect. He smiled.

The minutes passed slowly as they revelled in the simple company of one another until they were unsure if it had been minutes or hours.

“Shepard.” Her voice was quiet, nearly a whisper as she spoke. Her fingers stilled and her hand flattened against his chest.

“Mhmm.” Shepard hummed, his eyes still closed.

“I… I need you to promise me something.” Her fingers started to curl against him as her voice cracked slightly. “Please.”

Shepard opened his eyes at the nervousness in her voice. “Of course.”

Ashley was silent for a few seconds, her breathing growing shallow and quick. She knew he wasn’t going to like it. He didn’t want to hear it. But she just had to say it, she needed to know.

“If… if something were to hap…” she didn’t get a chance to finish.

“I told you, none of that!” he growled. He didn’t want to listen to this talk. He had hoped the tickling had stopped it. Had shaken that fear out of her. He was wrong. He really didn’t want to hear it. He started to open his mouth again.

“Please, just listen.” Ashley’s body started to tremble and Shepard sighed and tightened his grip around her waist. His mouth closed and he listened, her trembling worrying him, her faltering voice making him wince. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but I’m scared. I’m scared.” Her fingers balled into a tight fist, his shirt crumpled in her grasp as her voice fell to a trembling whisper before rising back up. “I don’t really know what’s going on… but if it is the Reapers... they destroyed a whole civilisation, Skipper… my family, my sisters…”

Shepard choked a gasp off in his chest as he felt a warm dampness on his chest. Ashley was crying.

“I don’t want them hurt.” She pulled her head up and turned to look into his eyes. “Please, promise me… if I die, you won’t let anything hurt them. You will stop whatever this is. You will protect them. Please…”

Shepard stared into her glistening eyes begging him with all her heart. With a stuttering exhale he gently wrapped her in his arms and hugged her. She wasn’t afraid for herself. She was afraid for her family. How could he have been so foolish? And even then, he should have listened. He loved her. He should have been there for her.

“I promise.” He titled his head and kissed the top of her head as she gave a small sob and buried her face in his chest. He was such an idiot. How could he have been so cruel? “I won’t let anything happen to them…” he pressed his cheek to the top of her head again as he gently squeezed her in his arms. “Or to you… I promise.”

Ashley simply leaned into his body and wrapped her arms around him as the fearful, worried tears kept coming. Shepard could only hold her tightly, trying to stifle the tears and still her trembling. She buried her face into his chest and cried.

“I promise.”

* * *

He stood next to the small monument, gazing at it in silence as his tears slowly dried. The tags felt heavy on his waist and his heart burned in his chest as his eyes wandered from the monument to the letters emblazoned on the hull: Normandy. There were so many memories… so much lost. The ship had been his home. He had been happy. But now it lay shattered on a cold, desolate world.

He idly stroked the packet of tags as he stood amidst the wreckage of the ship and gazed silently at the monument to her and her crew. He might not have been able to save them, but at least he could honour their sacrifice. So he stood in the shadow of his past and remembered. All of it.

There were so many memories… too many broken promises. He clenched his fist tightly and shut his eyes as they burned again, threatening to cry once more. She was dead. They wouldn’t be living together. He couldn’t protect her. There was nothing he could do about those promises anymore. But there was still one promise left. And he had almost broken it. Just like before, he had taken his precious time in being there, in doing what he should have done already. He growled in anger at himself before taking several calming breaths. He had almost broken that promise, but he didn’t. Not yet. Slowly, his anger cooled and he nodded to himself.

Warmth engulfed his body as he finally set his course. He had a reason again. He sighed and opened his eyes to look one last time at his old ship, his home. All the memories assaulted him one more time… all the laughter, the friends, the love, the sacrifice… her body trembling in his arms, tears wet against his chest. He remembered. He would not forget this time. With a couple of fresh tears welling in his eyes, he gave a small, fragile smile and whispered.

“I promise.”