At the Edge of Heaven

The brief, yet fierce clacking of her heels off the floor bolstered her resolve. It had been long enough. She needed to do something. She needed to talk with Shepard. She exhaled sharply at the decision and winced immediately. Her hand rose to rest against her sore ribs and she gently nodded at the solemn reminder. Shepard was her responsibility. She had almost let two years of hard work crumble in her grasp. Everyone around her could have paid the price for her mistake. She had to do something now.

The anger at herself and at Shepard roiled within her as she quickly bridged the distance from the elevator to the door of the Captain’s quarters. She stared for a few seconds at the red, glowing light of the door panel. With several careful breaths, her ribs aching slightly, she suppressed her anger. She removed her hand from her ribs and let it fall to her side. She needed to stand strong. She pushed the panel and heard the soft buzz within the room. Several moments passed with no answer and Miranda pursed her lips. Waiting only a few seconds more, she pressed the panel again, albeit with a bit more insistence. A few more moments passed and Miranda began to raise her hand for a third time, but the door hissed open just as her hand began to rise.

“Wha…” Shepard huffed briefly before his face, tense with annoyance, slackened into an almost dazed confusion.

“Shepard,” Miranda only glared, staring directly into his eyes. “we need to talk.”

He stared for a few seconds before nodding wordlessly and stepping aside. She quickly stepped through the door and into his quarters before stopping just above the steps leading to his bed. She quickly looked around, her eyes darting over the room. It was rather barren. The fish tank was empty, the display case was empty, most of the shelves were empty… almost the entire room was empty save for the furniture. There were no personal touches. Not one that she could see. It was unsettling.

The door hissed shut behind her and Miranda was shaken from the distracting thoughts. She was there for a reason. She needed to focus. She spun around. She grimaced and her hand briefly jolted towards her ribs. She clenched her jaw and stilled her hand. She didn’t want him to notice. She took one breath and calmly gazed directly at Shepard. His eyes were haunted by confusion, both that familiar tint she had seen earlier and a tint that was entirely new. It pricked at her for some reason. Her anger faltered again. Not enough to stop her though.

“What the hell are you doing?” The question came out a bit more harshly than she wanted and she almost grimaced. Starting off on the wrong foot was not a good idea. She watched as his eyes flared defiantly. He wanted to scream. He wanted to throw her out. She could tell. He didn’t want to deal with her, with any of it. But he only took several deep breaths as he stared into her blazing and challenging eyes.

He knew what she was asking. His set jaw and piercing glare were proof enough. And he was clearly struggling with his response. She wasn’t sure if it was a good sign. The stare down dragged on for long minutes before Shepard finally decided to speak.

“I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.” … and least of all you. He didn’t say the last part, but she heard it clearly. Her lips pressed into a firm line and she took one stuttering breath as her eyes flashed dangerously. He didn’t flinch. He didn’t even smirk. He merely turned away and walked towards the desk. She bristled at the dismissal.

“Damn it, Shepard.” She said through clenched teeth, barely keeping herself from screaming. “This is not the time for childish nonsense.”

She winced immediately as the words left her mouth. It was just a fleeting and immediate reaction. She hadn’t meant to actually say it aloud. It had simply slipped out in her frustration and anger. She didn’t even need to see Shepard tense and hear his strained laugh to recognise it was a stupid move on her part.

“Childish nonsense,” he shook his head, his laugh echoing strangely in the near empty quarters. “I died. I was dead, Miranda. Then I suddenly wake to find that two years were stripped away and nothing has changed at all. Everything is just as I left it, everyone is still burying their heads in the sand, and I’m still needed to save the galaxy.”

He shook his head again, his lips twisted in a mocking smirk as his laugh grew quiet. His eyes closed and Miranda almost gasped as a small glint of light from the corner of his eyes rolled down his cheek. It was a tear. He was crying. No… she finally noticed his already red and swollen eyes… he had been crying for some time. Her anger almost crumbled completely at the revelation. The small girl inside her stirred briefly, an unfamiliar yearning prickling within.

“Did you expect me to jump to attention and embrace all this with open arms?” he opened his eyes and tilted his head to glance at her for a moment. His eyes glistened with tears and she could only blink mutely. He lowered his head and sighed. “Well, I won’t. I’m tired and suddenly…” he paused and took a breath before exhaling, his shoulders dropping as he spoke. “I just don’t care.”

Miranda’s eyes widened, not just at his hollow and weak admission but at his slumping body. She hadn’t expected him to actually admit anything. She knew he had been careless, she knew he had been reckless, and she knew he wanted to die. But she never expected to hear any hint of it from his own mouth. She never expected to see defeat dragging down his body. He was admitting it. He was actually giving up. And suddenly that little girl inside was smothered as an explosion of anger overwhelmed her.

“We have a mission, Shepard!” Miranda’s voice shook as her hands balled into clenched fists. Two years of hard work were crumbling before her. Everything she had done meant nothing. The greatest hero mankind may have ever known... she had spent years of her own life, years of sacrifice and toil to bring him back to life, and he was going to quit. All his accomplishments, all his battles, all her work to keep it all alive… and he was simply going to meekly surrender. He was going to walk away. She couldn’t help but scream this time. A real bloody icon.

She opened her mouth to continue, but was quickly cut off.

“No!” Shepard spun to face her as he violently waved his arm. “You have a mission! I didn’t sign up for this! Any of this!”

She blinked at his outburst and closed her mouth. Pure agony was etched into every line and shadow of his face. She could only stare into his eyes. His chest heaved with heavy breaths as they stared at each other. His eyes flashed, anger and defiance briefly bristling behind the exhaustion and confusion. His hands clenched into fists at his sides. But just as quickly, the fire burnt out and his eyes darkened only with the weight of the situation bearing down on his weary shoulders. His hands fell open. He actually looked tired. He shook his head again and turned back towards his desk.

“I didn’t ask to be brought back.” His voice was flat. “I owe you nothing.”

Miranda stared at his back as he leaned onto his arms and hunched over his desk.

“I owe you nothing.”

She sighed as he repeated himself with a soft whisper. She stared at his back for a while, her mind racing to find something to do, something to say. She wanted to scream. She wanted to curse. She wanted to beat him over the head. But mostly, she just wanted to say something, anything, to reach him... to convince him that there was something to live for. A reason to fight on and finish the mission. But she knew better. She was Cerberus. If she meant anything to Shepard, it was only as a despised reminder of everything he railed against. She couldn’t help him.

Her chest tightened. She shook her head at the pitiful sight of the once proud hero slumped over his desk, a broken and defeated man. She had failed. She exhaled slowly and walked towards the door. She stopped as it hissed open and stared ahead. It finally hit her. She had just wasted two years of her life. She sighed one last time.

“I actually believed in you.” She stepped through the door and left Shepard alone.