The Sentimental Feelings

Author: Ciissi
Fandom: Star Ocean III: Till the End of Time
Pairing: Albel Nox x Fayt Leingod
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Ocean III. It belongs to Square Enix, may they do lots of more good games.
Warnings: Eventually NC-17. Contains yaoi meaning at least two boys having sex together but not in first few chapters. Possible child abuse but not in sexual manner.
Author's Note 1: This chapter is dedicated to all of you who continued reading this fiction while I was not updating. I simply *refuse* to count how long it has been since the last one. So sorry for this. I burn eternity in Hell for this good. I never ever meant this to happen. Hope you all will bear with me till the end. This is the beginning of the end for the part one of this fiction. In the next one you will passingly meet the original adult Albel Nox ready to wreak havoc among worthless maggots. So enjoy your lives as long as you have them. (I do not have one any more… TT__TT)

Answers for reviews: Again I was honored with fanart. Makes me feel bad that I have nothing else to give back all of you than very, very, veeeeeeeeeeeryyyyyyyyyy late update. Perhaps I should collect all of them to one place… Naah, that would be wrong to all those people who had worked hard to draw them… Thank you for hanging there for me. I was sure that no one would remember this story any more. And these words ring truth of me for you: “He was unperfect, unfinished, inartistic; he was worse than provincial – he was parochial.” Henry James.
To one-eyed Jester: The things between friends and lovers have been on my mind some times more actively than in others. I do not seek for ultimate or philosophical truths. Just something that I think might be true and by writing it asking from the others if they think so too. It is rewarding to find someone else that thinks like this too. As for the things comical… I myself in the beginning thought too that this would become a funny story, but alas it was not meant to be so. My deepest thanks after this looooooong time for you encouraging words. I keep them with me and in my writings.
To Seraph: I do not mean to make people teary, but if this reflected something, I am pleased that I had enough guts to bring this creation of me for all to see. Hope this chapter lives up with the earlier ones.
To Stella: School is an evil thing well proved by me. I know everybody will be disappointed to this chapter after long wait like this.
To Aelan: I will finish this story and hopefully it will not take that long any more. Sorry to make you to worry.
To Toushikku: Thank you for your fanart. Like every single art I have received to this story, I highly value yours. I liked the idea of child-formed Albel riding a dragon… Tried to make me rewrite some parts of the story, but had to resist… It warms me when someone who has read this story from the start but has not reviewed decides to use their time to write a word to me. Thanks!
To Flash!Roses: I was certain that you had started to regret you offer. Thank you for reaffirming it and being my beta. Hope you were not shocked how horrible this chapter is. I bow deep before you and hope my mess will not affect you other projects.

*****

Part One – Chapter Fourteen: The Sloth (Even if there would be a way out, would I use it?)
In his life Albel Nox had lost many things, but never had he thought that his very *mind* was one of them. It had to be because of this cursed, unnatural body of a child! There was no other way that that, that he would be telling about his dream to someone. The blue-haired one had not even once said a thing that would have somehow mocked Albel. And yet the other one was seeing and hearing more than just images, words and woven confessions, threats that Albel created in front of him and all the others around them. And never would have Albel Nox thought that he could be this well-spoken and descriptive with his mouth.

Closed eyes, controlled breath, hazy movements, sharp glimmer of a deadly blade… And the need of… kill, kill, kill him, yourself, her, *everybody*. Protect yourself. Walk away. Never look back. Closing the eyes, deepening the breath, the movements of mirage, the glimmering blade… And nothing exists. Strong smell of blood and death: Albel the Wicked.

The Leingod boy always saw more than one told to him… and to Albel it was frightening aspect of human nature he did not want to experience, linger with.

Closed eyes, controlled breath, hazy movements, sharp glimmer of a deadly blade… And the need of… kill, kill, kill him, yourself, her, *everybody*. Protect yourself. Walk away. Never look back. Closing the eyes, deepening the breath, the movements of mirage, the glimmering blade… And nothing exists. Strong smell of blood and death: Albel the Wicked.

It felt like Albel was loosing himself, who he in reality was. Yet when he sank deeper into the warm embrace of the younger man, he was gaining a new kind of understandment about his spirit, mind, soul, heart, life. The heartbeat of the other male against his ear was soothing and he did not want to get up and walk away.

Closed eyes, controlled breath, hazy movements, sharp glimmer of a deadly claw… And the need of… rip, rip, rip apart body, mind, soul, *everything*. Protect yourself. Brace yourself. Never walk away. Opening the eyes, quickening the breath, stilling the movements, a glimmering claw… And nothing to atone for. Strong smell of blood and death: Albel Nox.

In reality Albel Nox was a very lonely man. He did not have friends or close family members. Yes, he was the head of the noble Nox House, but he never cared, questioned or talked with his relatives. They were useless maggots, unable to stand up and tell their opinions openly. Every single one of Albel Nox’s relatives were quivering weaklings. It was no secret to anyone in Airyglyph that the elders of the Nox House wished for the Head of the Household to marry soon and have children. But none of them never worded out their thoughts openly to the face of Albel the Wicked allowing him hear their thoughts through gossip. It was like adding insult to injury and it was working against the will of the elders of the Nox Household.

Closed eyes, controlled breath, hazy movements, sharp glimmer of a deadly claw… And the need of… rip, rip, rip apart body, mind, soul, *everything*. Protect yourself. Brace yourself. Never walk away. Opening the eyes, quickening the breath, stilling the movements, a glimmering claw… And nothing to atone for. Strong smell of blood and death: Albel Nox.

Albel raised his eyes upwards and examined the stubborn line of the emerald-eyed male’s jaw that extended into the face of the blue-haired Earthling. The Leingod boy was deep in thought. Albel could tell it from the way those magical emerald-eyes were empty while staring into nothingness. It was rather startling for Albel to realize how well he in fact knew this younger man and for a moment so short, that it was uncertain whether the thought ever entered into the conscious of the merciless warrior, he imagined himself living on Earth where this youngster was originally from. For a fleeting moment he imagined the freedom of not being the young head of the remarkable Nox House but just an ordinary ‘university student’ like the mystery which personified in Fayt Leingod. Yes, it was a futile wish and Albel knew it better than well. He gave up the uncharacteristic wish of peace and silence as a new thought entered into his mind.

Closed minds, controlled begs, jerking movements, moist glimmer of wet skin… And need of… thrust, thrust, thrust deeper into body, mind, soul, *heart*. Pleasure of two. Desire of two. Never-ending joining of two bodies. Opening the eyes, hasting the breaths, stilling the movements, a glimmering wetness… And nothing to ask. Strong smell of sex and life: Albel and…

It was a play of vivid imagination.

Closed minds, controlled begs, jerking movements, moist glimmer of a wet skin… And need of… thrust, thrust, thrust deeper into body, mind, soul, *heart*. Pleasure of two. Desire of two. Never-ending joining of two bodies. Opening the eyes, hasting the breaths, stilling the movements, a glimmering wetness… And nothing to ask. Strong smell of sex and life: Albel and…

Albel Nox had finally found the perfect person who would stand beside him, calm him, enrage him and rule the Nox Household with him. This person was strong like him, stood against Albel’s violent nature and defended oneself, never quivering before Albel. Both of them were the conquer and the conquered, the master and the slave, sharing the same spirit’s different sides. Albel experienced a sick kind of pleasure when he took his spouse back to his birth home and presented his equal to the elders of the Clan of Nox. He could not prevent his wolfish smirk when he told to the old worms that their Lord’s spouse was no spineless maggot but that of *the* Embodiment of Destruction.

Closed minds, controlled begs, jerking movements, moist glimmer of a wet skin… And need of… thrust, thrust, thrust deeper into body, mind, soul, *heart*. Pleasure of two. Desire of two. Never-ending joining of two bodies. Opening the eyes, hasting the breaths, stilling the movements, a glimmering wetness… And nothing to ask. Strong smell of sex and life: Albel and… the Fool.

Yeah. Riiiight. Like Albel would throw away his freedom just to annoy those old maggots.

Closed minds, controlled begs, jerking movements, moist glimmer of a wet skin… And need of… thrust, thrust, thrust deeper into body, mind, soul, *heart*. Pleasure of two. Desire of two. Never-ending joining of two bodies. Opening the eyes, hasting the breaths, stilling the movements, a glimmering wetness… And nothing to ask. Strong smell of sex and life: Albel and…

“Albel…?” the Leingod boy’s voice was soft and enchanting as always. There was no way Albel could stop himself from looking up into the pair of brilliant emeralds. “I don’t know how much you have read those books on Diplo to study the history of Earth, but…” For a moment there was more hesitance in the younger one’s voice than Albel had heard for a long, long time. “Did you know that in Earth people used to read destines from the cards called ‘Tarot’?” the youngster told Albel thoughtfully and he seemed to be in two different places at once. “There are 22 cards of the Great Arcana and 56 cards of the Small Arcana. The first card of the Great Arcana is 0 and it is called ‘The Fool’. This card symbolizes the beginning of the journey or quest and the person who is looking for answers and knows nothing.” The blue-haired swordsman flashed a sad smile downwards to Albel, let do of him, made him stood up and rose too to his own foot. Without meeting Albel’s blood-eyes he continued his confession: “You have said it many, many times to me, Albel Nox, but it took me this long to realize and accept how true your words were. I might have better education than many others of my or your age, but I know nothing of the life and of its realities.” The emerald eyes shone eerily and a shiver of... something... shook the young body. “The Fate has dealt you the Tower long time ago. I wonder when She will finally have mercy to you with the Death...?”(1)

A Hard Fact: Albel Nox did not understand Fayt Leingod.

Albel stared at the fool standing in front of him and wondered if his transformation had somehow also affected to his hearing. But he decided to settle the matter by quirking his brow mockingly. “Wishing for my death, Leingod?” he inquired coldly.

The other male laughed gently and shook his head causing his short, blue locks elegantly shifting against his forehead and temples. “I don’t wish harm to you, Captain Albel Nox. What I wish, is reserved only for your past”, he answered and moving quickly he kneeled and with gentle caress he kissed Albel’s cheek before disappearing somewhere.

*The* Hard Fact: Albel Nox *really* did *not* understand Fayt Leingod.

Closed eyes, controlled breath, hazy movements, sharp glimmer of a deadly claw… And the need of… rip, rip, rip apart body, mind, soul, *everything*. Protect yourself. Brace yourself. Never walk away. Opening the eyes, hasting the breath, stilling the movements, a glimmering claw… And nothing to atone. Strong smell of blood and death: Albel Nox.

*****

Hear Me
the Fool dancing around Me.
the Death avoiding Me.
See Me
the Fool embracing Me.
the Death hiding from Me.
Hear my Scream
as the Tower falls apart.
as the Chariot taunts Me.
Hear Me
the Foolish boy.
the Death of the Past.

I call the Name
but the Magician does not Hear
but the Emperor does not Answer.
Soulless vessel
of Blood and Flesh.
of Hurt and Pain.
Heartless lover
without Tears and Hope.
of my Tower and Chariot.
I call the Name
but the Magician is not Here.
but the Emperor has Fallen.

Would the Fool
die for Me?
begin the Quest Anew?
Would the Death
slay Me?
begin the Work Anew?
Would the Tower
release Me?
rise in the Horizon Anew?
Would the Fool
teach Me to Smile?
took the Path untaken Before?

Ah, Look the skies
and the Star and the Moon.
soothing the Sun.
Will You bless
my Past, High Priestess?
my Future, Hierophant?
I hear Them calling Me
and my Weakness Wins.
and I kill my World Again.
Ah, Look the skies
lighten by the nightly lights.
and the Fool Beyond the Touch.(2)

*****

Is it wrong to wish for eternal night? Not death, but an eternal night with softly shining stars and understanding moon. And to think that the darkness of the night is better than any light of the day? That it lessens the pain and makes desire more beautiful and acceptable.

Is it wrong to plea for forgiveness? Not forgiveness for something you have done in your past, but rather for something you did not know you should have done. Are you even aware *what* your regrets are? Are you able to stop asking from yourself ‘what if…’?

Is it wrong to ask for everything…?

Is it wrong to dream and forget the nightmares of the past? And to learn that there are several options and there are dreams and nightmares in the real world too. Dreams and nightmares from which you can not awaken. Can you forgive to your own kin, that the nightmares in the world of awakefulness are far more worse than the ones in the dream world? Far more horrifying, far more painful…

Is it wrong to believe in rebirth of your own spirit after the eternity of sleepless sleep and endless darkness? Not to rise from the ashes like a phoenix, but to became aware like the moisture in the air and in the clouds turns to rain, which in turn falls from the heavens. The nurturing rain falls from the heavens turning into rivers and lakes and seas. Is that kind of realization of rebirth even possible?

Mysteries of the past and the present can be solved. It is possible to excavate deeper and deeper into the earth and collect the facts both small and big. Through thought and deduct it is possible to create an idea of something that might have been ages and eons ago. But the mysteries of the future are something alike of impossible to reveal. It is true that the present holds hints, what future might be, but alas nothing is certain. Limitless possibilities.

Is it truly wrong to ask for everything…?

*****

Since his teenage Albel Nox had always known that his choices were few. There were only as much things that he could do or might happen to him and none of them would be ‘good’ or ‘happy’ things. Although… although he had never ever even thought that joining in Leingod’s cause would end up turning him into a fucking child. So perhaps somewhere there were more possibilities for him than he had ever imagined before.

This trail of thought made Albel ponder… Would there be ‘good’ and ‘happy’ things coming on his way too from that unknown, unsearched place? Would they come to the Wicked One after all these years of full of death and oblivion? After things that were never meant to be, meant to happen… not to Albel Nox, not to anyone else either. So as the child-formed Albel the Wicked tried to see with the eye of his mind, what kind of life he might be leading now, if all those things which in the end resulted his honored and important father’s death would have never occurred, he gave up all the feelings of the regret he had never before known he owned.

Albel shook his head and laughed bitterly, with more age that his 24 years gave him credit. “‘I am human. Fragile and small, bitter and strong, mortal and immoral’,” he silently quoted to no one but himself. “‘I have never been perfect nor I will ever be. I am allowed to make mistakes and blunder´.” It was an old prayer in and old diary written with the beautiful, elegant hand-writing of a woman who was now dead.

Albel looked around him. After the blue-haired swordsman had left him alone after him mysterious words, the child-formed Elicoorian had taken to himself just to walk, walk around the royal palace and the Sacred City of Aquios. The Wicked One still after all this time with the Earthling fool could not find anything ‘sacred’ from his cursed imitation of a town. He really did not mean to dwell in things he could not change, but somehow it had happened during his stride. He did not know, what in the first place brought these thoughts to his conscious mind, but he was quite sure that the reason somehow involved the emerald-eyed nuisance. But the Glyphian menace was not sure of the *exact* reason.

While standing there Albel saw something blue and white flash in the corner of his eyes and by reflex he quickly turned around to look at the direction of the flash. In the middle of the movement Albel froze. He was not entirely sure that his reflex was there because of possible danger or because of the blue-haired fool from a planet that no longer exist. Why was he nowadays so hell bend and utterly *eager* to see even a smallest glimpse of the one who took care of him for now? Perhaps there was some hidden reason for everything he and the Fool had gone through and were going through right now… The Wicked One was no believer of greater forces and this entire mess proved his point. The Creator was a mortal man, not an immortal god or anything alike. But even with all his evidences and disbelief the lord of Nox had to admit, as he ran after the ghost of white and blue that might have been there, that without doubt there was *something* meaningful between him and the Earthling Fool.

Albel stopped at the cross-road, where he thought he had seen the blue-haired swordsman. As he had expected, there were no one at sight. It was very possible that there had never even been someone. A ghost of dream within a dream of ghost. But because it was *not* the way of Albel the Wicked to see imaginary things and give up easily, he examined his surroundings to verify whether or not Leingod might have been around these streets. Albel refused to think what it would tell about himself if there would be no evidence for the previous presence of the Embodiment of Destruction. As he had been afraid of there were not a thing that might have confirmed or denied the younger man’s possible earlier presence. A ghost of dream within a dream of ghost.

Scanning the streets one last time Albel noticed a familiar house further down the street. He recognized it as the one of the houses, where the Earthling youngster had established a workshop. That was the house where those wretched wenches who were responsible for Albel’s condition, were trying to create a potion or other kind of cure to reverse the transformation back to adult. It made the Wicked One sick from his stomach to even think back how exited the old maggot Gossam had been, when he had heard from the potion and seen the results. For Albel’s great relief the emerald-eyed young man had forbidden to girls ever doing the Potion of Youth (oh-joy-Real!) again.

The Glyphian Captain neared the house frowning and stopped near the open window. He stood there alone like a timid shadow of hesitance and listened to the hasty whispers and voices of the persons within. During all this time the Leingod party had stayed in the sacred city the Leingod boy had never brought him to the workshop for the reasons unknown to Albel. People inside the house were busy and he was more than aware of this fact. Those maggots were busy at developing the antidote to reverse his child’s body back to the of an adult’s. Yet as the Wicked One stood there alone, he realized that the thought of everything returning back to normal was nowhere as tempting as it had been at the beginning of this entire fucking mess.

Albel Nox thought of how strange it would be to return to his own bed and not sleeping with the Leingod fool again. Returning back to his very own, private torture and solitude. Though most likely he would still now and then share a room with the green-eyed male. The Wicked One quickly mentally slapped himself for thinking such a heretic, weak thought. Captain Albel Nox was *not* disappointed. Captain Albel Nox was *over-joyed*! No more blue-haired nuisance snooping around, asking annoying questions and driving him up the wall!

Closed eyes, controlled breath, hazy movements, sharp glimmer of a deadly claw… And the need of… rip, rip, rip apart body, mind, soul, *everything*. Protect yourself. Brace yourself. Never walk away. Opening the eyes, quickening the breath, stilling the movements, a glimmering claw… And nothing to atone. Strong smell of blood and death: Albel Nox.

But as the blood-eyed child raised his face towards the bright-blue sky and allowed his tense body to slacken, he knew that he was once again lying to himself. Lately it seemed to become his habit. He was not pleased to lose this body of a child. Strangely it felt to the maniacal swordsman like he had *permission* to be happy and content with the Embodiment of Destruction as long as his form was that of a child’s. Albel Nox did not desire the cure for his condition as badly as the had originally graved it.

Closed eyes, controlled breath, hazy movements, sharp glimmer of a deadly blade… And the need of… kill, kill, kill him, yourself, her, *everybody*. Protect yourself. Walk away. Never look back. Closing the eyes, deepening the breath, the movements of mirage, the glimmering blade… And nothing exists. Strong smell of blood and death: Albel the Wicked.

Because right now Albel Nox was free…

TBC…

*****

Author’s Note 2: Again sorry about the wait. And it occurred to me that if someone wants to save this story to their computer, please do so with my blessings. Also if someone wants to archive this to some other place than to AFF.net, please inform me.

(1) & (2) About Tarot cards and their meanings: First of all, the Tarot cards are not simple matter and they have many symbols within symbols. I am only giving you the most known meanings and I am not explaining the reversed meanings either.
The Fool (0) means the beginning and the person who does not know a thing. Everything is possible and nothing is settled beforehand. Key words: belief, hope and trust, faith.
The Magician (I) is another card of beginning and making miracles of what you have. Doing something will change the future. Key words: hope, seeking, motivation and determination, action.
The High Priestess (II) is a wise woman and symbolizes waiting and new things. Sometimes being lazy is effective way of doing things. Key words: lack of action, new things, diplomacy, bipolarity and contrast.
The Emperor (IV) is a man with power to change things and rule over them, rule over your own destiny. Also means gaining in material way and person in your past. Key words: boundary, structure and soil for ideas.
The Hierophant (V) is a wise man, spiritually enlightened person, who thinks before acts. You are only speaking of you own truth. Key words: change, transformation, challenge and change of luck.
The Chariot (VII) means that decision had been made and now is time to move according this plan. Key words: goal, observance and solitude.
Death (XIII) means end of one phase in life and that person has let go of his/hers past which has bothered and been somehow difficult. Key words: rebirth and end of an era/time period/phase of life.
The Tower (XVI) is the worst possible card of all of the cards in the Tarot. It is the only card that can foretell the death of someone. No matter whether it is upside-down or not it is *the* bad card. Many readers of Tarot do not continue the reading if the Tower comes up. Key words: destruction, bad things, lack of belief/faith/confidence, calamity, disaster and crisis.
The Star (XVII) is the card for desire to find something meaningful or inspiriting. Focusing on what is important for you and dreams are born. Key words: faith, belief, dreams and future.
The Moon (XVIII) means that you want your dreams to become true but you do not know how to make them true. Nothing seems to work in your opinion. Common sense is fighting with daydreams. Key words: internal conversation with yourself, dreams, lies, mirages and agitation.
The World (XXI) is the last card of the Great Arcana and marks the end of the journey and the fulfillment. It is also marks the retuning back to the Fool, back to the Wonderer. Key words: freedom, finished matters, things learnt from mistakes.

// 6 pages in Word
// 3 354 words