Can't Let You Go

                A week later, Douglas was dropping Bethany off at the airport after completely avoiding Anders again.  They went through all the regular sibling goodbye chatter before Bethany grabbed his hand, "Do us both a favor and talk to him."

                "I have nothing to say to Fellon right now."

                "I wasn't talking about Fellon; I was talking about Anders."

                Douglas frowned, "I already did and found out everything I needed to."

                "And you found out he just did his job like most doctors would have.  Can you really fault him for that?"

                "I don't know."

                Bethany squeezed his hand, "Brother, it's your choice, but I have seen you unhappy far too much for one lifetime, and I haven't even lived here in nearly ten years."

                He frowned deeper, "Don't remind me."

                "You love him, and he loves you.  Talk to him at least one more time before you make any final decisions." 

                "But Fellon..."

                "Will get over it, I promise."

                "Ya right; he never gets over anything."

                "Just trust me on this," she smiled reassuringly at him, "but right now I have to go.  I'll call you when I get in."  They gave each other a tight hug, "I love you, Brother."

                "I love you, too, Sister."

                Douglas reluctantly released her, turning her over to the bodyguard, Sten, they had hired to watch over her while she was away at college.  The two men nodded at each other before the large man and Bethany departed for their gate.  Douglas watched them until they were out of view before he left for home.

 

*   *   *

 

                A few weeks had past, Douglas calling Anders a couple times to check on him, chatting pointlessly and hanging up before things turned serious.  Now he was standing outside Anders' house, debating on how terrible an idea this actually was and wondering if his car had gave him away.   Taking a deep breath and keeping one hand behind his back, Douglas knocked on the door.  He said when it was answered, "I brought you something."

                A blond eyebrow rose in confusion at both the visitor and confession, "Oh ya?"

                Douglas tried to present what he had, repeatedly tugging lightly as Anders' eyebrow arched higher.  After several unsuccessful attempts, Douglas declared, "It's stuck." and after one more tug he jumped, shouting, "Ow!" Douglas continued to jump and squirm with small exclamations of pain, when he finally said, "Okay, get it off," as a tiny multi-brown colored kitten made an appearance over his shoulder with a tiny mew. 

                "Awww!"  Douglas turned so the demon claws could be pulled from his back.  Anders scooped up the little cat that had a green bow around its neck but raised another eyebrow, "You bought me a kitten?"

                "No.  I bought you stuff for a kitten though, that is if you want to keep her.  Well, I was told it was a her by the guy at the pet store."

                "So where did she come from?"

                "Ares was chasing her around the yard.  I was afraid he was going to make her into a midmorning snack," Douglas said, scratching the kitten behind the ear.  "If you don't want her, I'm sure the shelter can use the stuff I bought."  Douglas shrugged, "I just thought you might be lonely."  His electric blue eyes opened wider at what he said, "Uhh, not that I think you are lonely... or should be..."

                "Douglas."  The other man stopped his rambling, looking up at Anders.  "Thank you for the kitten."

                They smiled at each other for a couple of seconds. Douglas said, "Okay, I'll go get the other stuff," and proceeded to unpack the loaded sports car filled with cat stuff and placed it just inside the door.

                Anders asked in amazement, "Did you buy the whole store?"

                "Well, I've never had a cat before, so I didn't know what you needed."  After a few more trips back and forth, he smiled, "Well, that's it."

                "Thank you."

                Douglas gave the kitten another scratch behind the ears before looking up at Anders with a vague smile, "Alright, goodbye," and started walking back to his car.

                The blonde called after the fleeing man, "Douglas, are you ever going to forgive me?"

                Douglas lurched to a halt and his shoulders sagged, "I don't know."  In reality, he had already forgiven him, but it was easier to let Anders think he hadn't than explain Fellon would never allow them to be together.

                "He needed help, Douglas."

                "I know that is what you believe."

                "No, that is what is true."

                "Men like that don't deserve help."

                "Men like what, Douglas?  You think just because you had everything you ever wanted handed to you on a silver platter you can be judge and jury too?  Well, you can't."

                Douglas turned around in complete shock, staring at Anders for several seconds before saying, "Come with me."

                "I can't leave a new kitten home alone as soon as she gets here."

                "Bring it," turning on his heel and striding down the sidewalk back to his car.

                Anders hesitated before grabbing his stuff and the small cat carrier and following Douglas who was waiting by the open passenger door.  Within a few minutes of driving, they were where they were going. Douglas out of the car once again, continually ignoring Anders' questions and letting him out of his side.  Within a few strides he was at the front door of a tiny beat up house and through it before Anders had a chance to catch up.  "Douglas, wait!  What is this place?"  Anders stood in the doorway, looking around for Douglas but not seeing him.  "What are you doing?" but he was only answered by silence. 

                The front door opened into a living room furnished with mismatched, beat up, hand-me downs.  "Douglas?"  Again only silence.  He took a tentative step inside, knowing Nate was somehow going to know they were breaking and entering and yell at him for sure.  Placing the kitten in the carrier and setting it down just inside, Anders closed the door behind the, it squeaking loudly like a poor man's alarm system.  He called again, but was ignored.  He pushed open a swinging door, revealing a small white kitchen which was again furnished in old hand-me downs but no Douglas.

He started down the hallway passing a tiny bathroom.  There was some children's artwork framed on the wall and he glanced through them, castles and princesses, animals, planets and stars.  He passed what seemed to be a girl's bedroom, filled with old stuffed animals and aging posters of animals and music groups as if she had lived there her whole life before moving out.

                Continuing on there was more artwork, this time of people, only one seemed a bit out of place amidst all the stick figures; a finger painting covered in small bright handprints and footprints.  One in particular stood out of a stick person smiling widely and big blue eyes with a soccer ball and a tent, the name Dougie written across the top and largely signed Fellon, Age 4 written with backwards Es.  Anders stared at it in amazement, turning and walking down the rest of the hall.  There were two doors opposite each other but one was closed tight.  Anders peeked through the open frame first where he finally found Douglas sitting in a room with two twin beds. 

               One side was neat and orderly, covered in sports posters and shelves filled with neatly aligned trophies and ribbons.  An old office desk and chair sat in between the beds, sporting a virtually antique computer.  The other half of the room was crowded with shelves sloppily decorated with miscellaneous items of interest to their owner and a bookcase stuffed to overflowing with books. A papier-mâché solar system hung over the bed while a telescope pointed out the window. Douglas was sitting on the bed near the bookcase staring outside, and Anders sat down on the bed across from him and said, "You have a really old computer."

                Douglas looked at him, raising his eyebrow, "That old dinosaur?  I don't even think I know how to turn it on.  It's Fellon's."

                "Oh, I just figured the brother on that side of the room would have used the computer more."

                Douglas chuckled, "You are sitting on my side of the room.  Do I seem like a nerd to you?"

                "Comparing the two of you now?  I would say yes, you are the one that seems to belong on that side of the room."

                "Gee thanks."

                Anders changed the subject, "There is a lot of art work in the hallway.”

                Douglas chuckled, “Did you like my finger painting?  Apparently that was the only one I stayed inside long enough for.”

                Anders nodded, “So you grew up here?  I thought you said you lived in your family's estate."

                "I did and I do." Douglas continued at Anders’ obvious confusion, "The estate belonged to my mother's family and when she decided to marry my father they disowned her.  My father had somewhat of a shady past but turned his life around.  That also made it hard for him to find good paying jobs, so he had to work two just so we could have this; my mother doing odd jobs from home so that we could have anything extra.  My grandparents died, and my uncle lost everything they left behind in crazy investments, including the estate, but eventually my brother and I were able to buy it back."

                "That must have taken a lot of money."

                Douglas snorted, "Ya."

                "I'm sorry Douglas, I just assumed..."

                "I know.  It's alright."

                "And you kept this house?"

                "I know.  I am told I'm a sentimental idiot…"

                "No, I wish I had been able to keep the farm back home even though I never really wished to live in it again."

                They slipped into silence for a while, Douglas staring at the floor but he could feel eyes watching him.  Anders finally declared, "Douglas, I miss you."

                "I miss you, too."

                "I know I can't fix what happened, but I am very sorry about your mother."

                "I know."

                There was another minute of silence before Anders asked, "But it's really over isn't it?"  Douglas wanted to say yes so the other man could start moving on with his life, but he couldn't bring himself to do it, continuing to stare at the floor.  "Isn't it?"  Anders needed to hear the answer, but his voice shook, and Douglas made the fatal mistake of looking up to teary, amber eyes.

                Douglas got up and moved beside him, clasping Anders' hand and giving a temple a brief kiss before resting his own forehead against it.  Fellon was right; Anders made him an emotional wreck.  He couldn't think or act without some sort of attachment when it came to the man.  Douglas had punched his own brother in the face, and he knew he would do it again in a heartbeat.  "No."  Bethany was right too, Fellon would just have to get over it, "I love you, Anders, if you'll still have me."

                There was a nod and a relieved sob.  "I thought I lost you."

                "Never.  I'm yours."  Douglas kissed his cheek softly, "Just don't cry."

                "Don't leave me again."

                "I won't."

                Another nod followed a deep shaky breath, and Douglas kissed the stubbled cheek again.  Anders turned his head, and they looked into each other's eyes for several long moments before a hand reached up to cup his cheek, and Douglas' lips softly pressed against his. 

                The kiss was returned but it didn't take long for Anders to break away, looking down again.  There was a hard swallow before the blonde spoke softly, "I need to tell you something."

                Douglas glanced at the apparently nervous man, and brushed back a strand of loose hair to comfort them both at the coming words.  "What is it?"

                "I tried to tell you before but I just… couldn't.  Now, I think I better, for both our sakes."  Douglas looked confused, and Anders hurriedly went on.  "I should have said something from the beginning, but with your business… I was just scared you wouldn't want to see me anymore… I still am, honestly."

                "Love, I don't understand."

                Hands twisted in a narrow lap while amber eyes still looked away, trying to find something to focus on besides the man beside him, not wanting to see the real reaction to his news, "I'm an alcoholic."

                Douglas froze, pulling back slightly to take in the more of the man before him.  Confused no longer described his reaction, bewildered was better, shocked definitely.  "Why didn't you tell me?"

                "I told you; I was afraid you would stop seeing me.  Your business is so focused on alcohol, to be with someone that couldn't or shouldn't be drinking…"

                Douglas shook his head, "But you did and you were."

                Anders swallowed hard again, "I know."

                Douglas slumped, recalling the increase in frequency.  "You should have told me."

                "I was scared to lose you…" Anders sounded desperate for understanding, looking at Douglas pleadingly, but then he sagged again, "but I did anyway."  Hands twisted harder, "It is worse now…  I… I don't do well with being alone and I didn't want to hear Nate's 'I told you so's…  He doesn't know I have been at all after that one on my birthday.  He probably would have locked me up somewhere away from you, but it isn't your fault.  It is mine."

                Douglas swallowed, "Maybe Nathaniel is right, though; I'm not good for you."  He was unable to keep from looking like he nearly choked on the words while the thought induced illness.

                Anders looked completely crushed, “I thought I could handle it, it had been almost ten years, but when you left…” Anders shook his head, cutting off his thought.  “I need help.”

                Douglas pondered this a few moments, “They will tell you I am a bad idea.”

                “I know.  They just don’t know what a good idea we really are.  I made a mistake, and I slipped, that’s all.”

                Douglas grabbed a hand still tweaking from the blonde’s lap, giving it a gentle squeeze.  “Then we’ll fix it.”