The Renegade Adored

Kaidan: "And the clouds perish'd; Darkness had no need" (Byron)

Kaidan stared, and tried to remember what life felt like. He looked down at the empty box they were lowering into the earth, and knew that everything in his world had changed again. He tried to keep his shoulders still, tried not to break down. He just stood and stared.
The ceremony ended finally, and he waited for everyone else to leave before he turned away. He felt a hand on his arm, tentative and soft.
"Kaidan?"
He brushed the hand away, didn’t answer.
"Please, Kaidan…" The tears in her voice enraged him.
"Don’t touch me," he said harshly. "Just leave me alone."
"You’re not the only one!" Liara sobbed. "You’re not the only one who loved her, Kaidan!"
Before he could stop himself, he turned and slapped her across the face. "Don’t! Don’t you dare compare your – anything you have – don’t you dare!" He was so angry he could barely speak.
Liara sobbed. "You can’t make me stop loving her! I won’t give her up, I won’t!" She covered her face with her arm and ran out of the cemetery, still sobbing wildly.
He watched her leave, and his rage faded as quickly as it had flared. He turned away, and found himself staring again at the small memorial stone. That was all they had given her. They had promised a larger memorial, later. Something on Torfan, probably.
Kaidan fell to his knees, unable to take his eyes away from the pale grey stone with her name on it. "Why?" he said softly. Why had he let her go?
"Because she told you to." The warm, gravelly voice surprised him.
Kaidan looked up, saw Garrus standing next to him. "I didn’t realize I said that out loud."
"You didn’t. You don’t have to." Garrus crouched down next to Kaidan, comfortably close and familiar. "What does it say?" asked Garrus curiously. The carving was analogue, not digital. His translator couldn’t do anything with the old Earth writing.
"Hayden Blaise Shepard. Born 4.11.2154, died…" Kaidan choked.
"We know the date," said Garrus softly. "Go on."
"Savior of the Citadel. Beloved."
"I like that."
Kaidan nodded. "I asked them to add that." He looked up as a few drops began to fall from the sky. "She would have loved this. She loved weather. Rain. Storms. Just the feel of the wind around her. She loved the colors of Earth. Until she mentioned it, I never really noticed how dull spaceships are. There are no shades, not like this." He pulled up a blade of grass. "Nothing here is just one color. Everything here has shades, greens and browns and blues…." His voice trailed off, and he twisted the blade of grass between his fingers.
"Pinks," said Garrus unexpectedly. "Like in the sky, there." He pointed.
Kaidan laughed at that. "Yes, pinks. She would have loved that sunset." The rain was stronger now, but he wasn’t sure if the wetness on his face was from the sky or from his soul. He hadn’t been able to cry until now. "Thank you for coming, Garrus. I … I really needed a friend." Kaidan covered his face with his hands, could smell the fresh rain and torn grass and turned earth. Before he could break down completely, Garrus stood, pulled him to his feet.
"Come on, Kaidan."
He nodded, rubbed away some water from his eyes. He took one last look, not at the stone, but at the sky. The wild riot of colors on the horizon. The clouds, grey and white, clustered haphazardly. The rain was falling more softly now, cold and stinging. "She would have really loved this." Kaidan walked out of the cemetery, side by side with Garrus.