The Renegade Adored

Kaidan: "Meet in her aspect and her eyes." (Byron)

He watched her filing reports, and could tell by the set of her shoulders that she was done. She leaned back in her chair, her eyes flickering over the screen in front her to make sure she hadn’t missed anything.
Kaidan handed her a glass of fruit juice, which she accepted gratefully.
"Kaidan? Can I ask you a question?"
"Of course," he smiled gently. He had no idea what she wanted to know, he couldn’t see her eyes. She was still staring at the screen.
"What happened to all the others?"
"Hm?"
"Well, you've been with a lot of women, haven't you?"
"Oh, that." He smiled ruefully, and kept his eyes on her, trying to read her mood. "Well yes...why?"
"Why aren't you still with them? Where did they all go?"
He laughed, a little bitterly. "It's complicated."
"Did you not like them?" Hayden was genuinely confused.
"Well, I did. At the time. Then we got bored of each other."
"All of them?"
Kaidan just nodded.
Hayden turned finally, and looked at him. "Not even just for the sex?"
"No, Hayden, not even just for the sex." He smiled at her.
"Oh." She considered him carefully, as if he were some new unusual alien creature.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Yes, but only one." She folded her hands nervously, and waited.
"Will you come out to dinner with me tomorrow night?"
"What?"
He smiled, tried not to laugh at her surprise. "Dinner. Not on the Normandy."
"Uh…" she looked down at her hands. "Is this about that trip you took to the jewelry shop?"
Kaidan raised an eyebrow. "Spying on me ruins the surprise, Hayden."
"I know," she said softly. "I - " her shoulders slumped. "I can’t."
"Okay, that needs a little bit more explanation."
She shook her head. "I just can’t, I don’t want you to ask. It wouldn’t be fair."
"Fair?"
"You don’t know everything, Kaidan. It wouldn’t be fair to you." Hayden twisted her hands around each other, counting the bones in her hands. Trying to focus on anything that wasn’t Kaidan.
"In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a grown man. I can make my own decisions, take my own risks. I don’t need to know everything about you, Hayden. I know what I want."
She shook her head again. "No, no you don’t. I… I don’t want you to be trapped and stuck and then suddenly change your mind. Can’t we just stay as we are?"
"That’s not an explanation, Hayden. And no, I don’t think we can stay as we are, not now. Not after everything that has happened." Kaidan stood, crossed the room to where she was sitting at her terminal. "Look at me."
Hayden kept her head down. "Oh, Kaidan, why can’t you just leave it alone?"
He pulled her out of the chair, put his arms around her. "Look at me," he repeated. "Look at me and tell me you don’t love me. Tell me you don’t want this."
She tried to push him away, but the first touch of her hands to his chest made her weak, and she sank into his arms. Buried her head in her hands and let him hold her. "But what happens when you hate me? When you get bored of me?" she said softly, almost whispering.
"How would I ever get bored of someone as insanely exasperating as you?"
She laughed a little at that, but still refused to meet his eyes.
"And why do you keep saying that I’ll hate you, Hayden? What are you so afraid of?"
She shook her head, didn’t answer.
"Is it that you don’t love me, Hayden? Is that what this is about?"
"I don’t, not the same way that you love me."
He laughed. "Now that, I know, is a lie."
"You don’t know that!" she exclaimed fiercely. "How do you know what I feel?"
He laughed, a little triumphantly, because he couldn’t help it. He tilted her head up to him, stroked her face. Kaidan watched her, kept his hand on her face. "Seventy-three," he murmured.
"What?"
He leaned down to her, kissed her before she could pull away or protest. Slowly and gently, holding her face in his hands. Pulled away, smiling. Watched her breathing, her eyes shyly sliding away from his. "That’s better. Back down to fifty-eight."
"What?" For a second, she didn’t understand, then she blushed. "Oh."
"And that’s not even counting the arrhythmia."
She tried to glare at him, but failed and just sank back into his arms. "So you can make my heart skip a beat. That doesn’t prove anything." She put her arms around him again, and laid her head on his chest.
He laughed again. "You trust me, Hayden. Your body knows you’re safe with me. I won’t push you to do anything, but I reserve the right to ask you again later."
"But, Kaidan - "
"And I will keep asking you until you tell me what’s wrong with you marrying me, or just give up and say yes. I win either way, really."
She couldn’t fight against that, against his love and his faith. She held him tight, and tried not to cry. "I don’t understand you," she whispered. "I will never understand you."
"And that’s why we will never be bored with each other." He kissed her again. "You’re not like anyone else I have ever known, Hayden. I don’t want you to be. I want you to be you, frustrating, weird, wonderful, beautiful, sexy, confusing, cute, you."
She smiled. "You have a list."
"I can go on," he murmured.
She pulled his head to hers, kissed him softly. "I just… I don’t know how to make sense of all this. How did I manage to ever find you? The one person in the entire galaxy who is perfect for me?" She kissed him again. "It just doesn’t make any sense! I keep thinking I have to wake up, because this must be a dream." Her voice was shaking slightly.
"Well, it’s a wonderful dream, and if you wake up, I’ll come find you again."