Philanthropy

Otacon: Autumn was so lazy this time! She had this chapter finished for a long time now, but just didn't upload it!
Yeah, I know, but I wasn't quite sure about how to finish this thing and all...
Otacon: Nothing but excuses! AFF needs more of me! XD

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Twelve

*

One side of me said: let him go. He’s done for. Sacrifice him. He’s lost his laptop and he’s our leak to the enemy. And I’m supposed to kill him anyway.

His eyes, trying to find me in the dark. They trust me completely. I was numbed with fear for his life, fear for not being able to be with him anymore. It took too long. I guess he got me good. But if there’s anyone out there who’s going to take his life, it was gonna be me. It was the strongest emotion I’d ever felt. I don’t think there’s a name for it.

I kissed him with my bruised lips. I think Mei Ling noticed. We both kept our eyes open. His expression was very hard to read, but I’m sure he felt the same way about mine. I wished I could be honest with him. I wished he could prove to me he’d never leak info again. But he can’t. He never will.

I wished I didn’t love him.

*

He kissed me and just kept on kissing me. We kissed half of the flight. It was sad, painful. It made me doubt everything. Something about it just wasn’t right. And I was so afraid to hurt him. Though I had the feeling the hurt was already done.

We were dropped off in the middle of a forest. We lost the few helicopters tracing us. Mei Ling gave me a little palmtop and I managed to make us invisible to all of the army radars.
‘Unbelievable,’ she smiled.
I shrugged. I wanted my laptop back.
‘I’ll find you a new computer as soon as possible.’
‘Please.’
‘We need you with us.’
‘Thanks…’
‘Thank you, for all your hard work. And for keeping an eye on him.’ She stared at us two, sitting next to each other. ‘You’re a good team.’
Snake looked at the floor. Mei Ling and I caught each other’s eye. She looked worried, and so was I.

*

We were inside the cabin in the middle of the woods. Mei Ling had eaten dinner with us and had then left off to find Hal a computer. After a few hours she returned with a brand new laptop.
‘I found it in town, nearby,’ she said. ‘I hope they didn’t notice the helicopter, but I don’t think they did.’
Hal was happy. He said it was a real good model. He and Mei Ling started to set the thing up and were chattering about programs and internet connections. I lost my attention, so I went to bed. I checked my shoulder. It wasn’t broken, I guessed. I patched it up myself.

I woke up at half past ten. Exactly the moment I had wanted to wake. I put on some clothes from the bedroom closet. Lumberjack’s outfits. They were warm and I kinda liked them. My shoulder was still hurting, but it was bearable.

I was in the small hallway, crouching, my back against the wall. Hard steel was in my hands, and a frozen heart was still pumping blood around in my chest. I watched Hal where he was, in a chair. Some anime was on, with a girl with purple hair. High-pitched Japanese voices filled the room. He couldn’t hear me from there.

I trembled. I pointed my gun at his back, where his heart was. But I couldn’t see it clearly. My vision was blurred. And at that moment, Hal burst into laughter. The Japanese girls were yelling. He laughed so hard. It cut my soul in half. I dropped my gun and it clattered on the floor. Hal turned around and saw me. He stared at me for seconds, his eyes betraying how hard he was trying to figure this out. The Japanese kept on rattling.

‘Dave? What are you doing there?’ He put his anime on pause.

Then he saw the gun on the floor. Before he could say a word, I was standing in front of him, keeping the gun out of his sight.
‘Were you trying to…’
I grabbed his collar and lifted him out of his chair.
‘Would you mind if I killed you?’
He didn’t understand me.
‘What are you saying?’
‘If it would be me, would you mind?’
‘Were you trying to kill me?!’
‘I have to! If not now, when?’
‘Why?!’
‘Cause you’re a metal gear designer, that’s why.’
‘Well, then why didn’t you do it? Why am I still alive?’

*

He didn’t answer. And I knew, that once again, I had him cornered.
‘You can’t do it, can you?’ My heart was beating ultrafast.
‘If I don’t do it, someone else will. And they’ll have you tell them everything about Philanthropy, first.’
‘That seems a good reason to me. Go on, do it.’
‘Argh!’ He hit his head real hard and got down to his knees. ‘You know I can’t do it!’
‘Of course you can’t. You think I could kill you?’
He looked up to me from beneath his eyebrows. ‘You’re gonna get me killed one day if everything goes on like this.’
‘Well, I’m so sorry!’ I had never been so angry. I couldn’t believe he wanted to kill me.
‘You can’t promise me you’ll never get yourself, us, and with that, the entire world into danger again. And it can’t happen again.’
‘But we’re a team!’ I yelled at him. ‘We’re supposed to do this together! You can’t do it on your own!’
‘Oh, I can. If I hadn’t fallen in love with you, I would’ve killed you long before.’
‘You don’t mean that! You’re not like that!’
‘What do you know about me?’

I hit him in his face, as hard as I could. Then I grabbed his pistol from the floor and pointed it at him. His nose was bleeding again. And it had just stopped.

‘I love you,’ I yelled. ‘And no matter how many mistakes I’ll make, I’ll always be on your side. I’ll never betray you. I’d never do it on purpose. I’m planning to continue helping you as long as I live. And in my opinion, that’s better than having me dead.’
He stared at the floor, not able to look at me.
‘You know I’m right!’ I cried. ‘You know I am!’
My arms fell to my sides and I started to cry. He got up and stood in front of me, probably in doubt.
‘Here.’ I handed him the gun. ‘Kill me if you want to so badly. If your opinion differs from mine. You’re the boss, anyway. You decide.’
‘Hal,’ he whispered. ‘I can’t even stand seeing you cry. I’m hopeless, really.’
I looked up to him and smiled through my tears. ‘Well, I’m glad you are.’
‘I feel as if hurting you is just wrong. Even worse than risking our secrecy.’
I sobbed. I was so relieved to feel his arms around me again.
‘I can’t kill you,’ he whispered. ‘I shouldn’t. It’s wrong.’
‘Thank you,’ I whispered back.
‘Stay with me. Forgive me.’
‘I understand, a little. Of course I’ll forgive you.’
He put his forehead against mine. ‘Let’s make a promise.’
‘Um…okay.’
‘Hal, I swear I’ll never try to kill you again. I swear I’ll always protect you, from whatever or whoever trying to hurt you. I’ll never leave you. You can count on me. I promise.’
‘Dave…’
I blinked.
‘I promise I’ll pay better attention to the organization and our safety. I promise to protect you and take care of you. I’ll always be with you. And I promise to give you all the coffee you want.’
He smiled, and it was only at that moment that I knew I had convinced him. Relief streamed through my body and when he kissed me, I got all dizzy. He pushed me to the floor. We ended up naked. And we had sex. He screamed my name. I screamed his. It was the best thing I’d ever done.

***