Chapter Ten: Grief
"It was never my intent to stay. But being with her... it was very unexpected. I want very much to see her conscious again, to help her through this. But I know that if I stay..." he trailed as he paused to stroke her hair and admire the beauty in her face. "Well, she'll look at me with those beautiful eyes and then I'll never leave her side. But I have to inform the Cousland's allies of all that has transpired at the castle. And she has a new life with the Wardens to pursue. She cannot be dwelling on where I am or what I'm doing... or even if I'm alive..." He stroked her face gingerly, debating the situation with the Grey Warden Duncan. The mabari hound was laying next to his mistress's feet, allowing himself a short nap while the journey paused.
They had stopped running from the raided castle after they had cleared a bit of distance, making a beeline straight to the south through the Bannorn expanse of farmland. They had not gotten very far, but it was enough to allow themselves a short rest and possibly wake their companion. There was certainly no turning back now, even if she screamed and fought them in order to return.
"Are you sure that is the wisest decision?" Duncan asked, quirking an eyebrow.
"It's best she think I'm dead, at least until this business is settled. Oh, but that doesn't seem right, does it? And it's not what I want at all... But it's best for her, isn't it?" Garnet fumbled with the situation in his head as he ran his fingers through his hair, his helm resting beside his bottom. He sat there, stroking Krista Cousland's hair and feeling a heavy burden growing within his heart.
"You could join the battle at Ostagar," Duncan offered him a different solution as he sat beside him.
"I'm a merchant," he replied. "A sloppy rogue at best... But I am no true fighter. No... I would get myself killed. Or get her killed for trying to protect me... I wish my bluffs couldn't be called so easily, but, uh... I'm really not as good as I pretend to be. It pains me to say this... But I think this is the best I can do to help her in the long run. Please, do this for me, Duncan. Giving her time to grieve alone is not safe, I know. Just thinking about it causes such worry in my mind... But I don't know what else to do."
"She will not be pleased when she awakens," the Grey Warden remarked as her crossed his arms and regained his breath from the running.
"Like I said, my place is not with the army or the Grey Wardens. I am a merchant, friend to the Cousland family and I promised I would keep her safe. The only way I can do that... with
any efficiency... is to gather support with the family's allies to help her fight against Howe when the time comes. I will make it back to her someday -and she'll be mad I lied about my death, no doubt.
But she'll be okay... Hopefully she'll realize... that I'm doing this for her sake." He rubbed the back of his neck and tousled his hair in nervousness. "Please, promise you'll see to her safety until I return to find her, Duncan. Don't let her do anything stupid. She's going to be so upset no matter what happens."
Duncan nodded solemnly. "It seems it is the least I can do. Are you certain you do not wish to stay and console her? This is not going to be an easy experience."
"Kinda defeats the purpose of me faking dying," he responded dismally as he traced his fingers along hers. Garnet gripped her hand and felt her fingers tighten slightly between his. "You have no idea how much I want to be there for her. I don't want her to go through this alone. But if Howe gets his way, her name will be dragged through the mud and his will be glorified. I will not have such a man shatter her honor after murdering her family. I promise, I'll come back. I'll find her, somehow. But for now, I'm going to spread word of Howe's betrayal to every last town in Ferelden. I travel faster than most people. I can do this for her."
Duncan nodded, knowing how difficult this decision was to make.
"And please- don't say anything more. I don't think my will is
that ironclad. I would stay in a heartbeat if she woke up right now," Garnet dismissed him before the man could form another sentiment.
She stirred and began to groan, raising her hand to her face. Garnet's heart stopped and he watched her silently, holding his breath at the defining moment. Would he be staying or leaving? She rolled her head over and flopped her body away from him, curling into a tiny ball. He patted her shoulder lightly and he felt the pang of disappointment at his heart. He wanted to stay, but it was immature and selfish to do so for the reasons he wished to. The only way to be of use was to gather the allies for her; it was sensible, but it felt so awful, so heartless to leave her in such a time of need.
"And what if Howe's men find you? You're sure to draw attention to yourself eventually," Duncan said lowly, trying to leave the sleeping girl undisturbed for the time being.
Garnet sighed. "I hadn't really thought of that, to be honest. But if he gets me, at least I helped Krista. I-I wish I could stay... make her smile. She'll need it. But I have to go now. I won't be able to leave if I stay here any longer," he stuttered abashedly. "I'll be heading to Denerim first, warning my folks and instilling rumors against the Arl and causing unrest in the bar there. I'll head south and then make my way west afterward... I... Thank you for everything, Duncan. I leave her in your hands. Make sure she's protected. Always."
Duncan agreed, knowing that it hit the man hard to know he might not be able to see the woman again. The young man picked up the helmet and put it on his head. He crouched over his love interest and planted a kiss on her forehead, pushing the strands of hair out of her face. He breathed in a low and deep fashion, whispering a promise of return before standing. He apologized as he crossed his arms Nugget perked his head up and glared at him, but slowly placed his snout back on the ground when the man pulled his cloak over his helmet and sprinted away from the group. The Grey Warden waited until minutes had passed before standing. He bent down over Krista and reached for her shoulder tentatively.
"Awaken, Krista. We must get moving if we are to escape the clutches of Arl Howe and reach Ostagar in time for battle," he said lowly.
The young woman groaned and forced her eyes to open slowly. Krista realized that her face was pressed against cold grass and soil, an eerie ambiance playing against her persona and a chilly breeze biting at her knees. Her arched back straightened and she quickly pushed her arms against the ground, scrambling to her feet and reaching for weapons at her back that were no longer there. She inspected her surroundings, her eyes darting around and around until she settled on her hound, who was looking at her and wagging his tail very slowly. She soon realized she was not where she thought she was. There was no battle, no castle, and no Howe. As Duncan straightened his posture, she sent him a confused gaze, trying to remember how she had fallen asleep in such a dire situation. Soon the woman was angry, gathering her strength to ball her hands into fists.
"Where is he?" she demanded as her body trembled with sadness and rage.
Duncan observed her with unwavering confidence. "The young man you had been traveling with saw to it that you escaped. He protected you from Howe's men."
"He knocked me
unconscious," she hissed in response, feeling the heat rising off her own cheeks. "Garnet used a technique
I taught him. That Nathaniel taught
me." She paused for a moment and reflected on the events, the fog clearing from her memory, not caring that Duncan had no idea what she was talking about. "I had no desire to leave and he had no right to make my decision for me. Now. Where. Is. He?"
She sensed Duncan's hesitance as he sighed. Her anger suddenly transformed into a wrenching fear and anxiety.
'No. Not him, too...' Her gut screamed in agony and drew the strength she had managed to gather earlier. Her energy sapped and buckled at her kneecaps.
"Krista-" Duncan began.
"Don't say it!" she snapped, her voice cracking in desperation. She scoffed, defeated. "Please, just don't even say it."
He looked upon her, wishing to ease the pain throbbing fresh and undoubtedly festering inside of the woman. Garnet would not have wanted her to go through such terrible loss alone, but he made the decision to go. The Grey Warden listed to her sob as he turned his back to her, his heart aching to assist her in some way.
Every inch of grief poured out of her heart and into a messy string of tears and loud cries, which she could not silence.
"I'm not mad..." she weeped. "I promise... I'm not... I-I... I'll be happy... and I'll smile. You just... have to be here... I forgive you. I promise..." Her gasps an fervent breathing led to a fit of tears and audible groaning. She did not want to go on like this. Her heart had already sunken into her body somewhere and her energy had left her. She let her bottom hit the ground and used her arms to hold her weight up as she bent over the grass, her hair now loose from her tie and falling down the sides of her face.
"Mom and dad..." She felt like she might vomit. "I can't do this. I want to die with you both... I won't fight anymore... I'll wear th-those stupid dresses like you wanted... And I'll... I'll be polite... I'll smile more, I promise... And Rory..." Krista remembered his face and the final look they shared before she left him for dead. "I couldn't save you either... I'm sorry... I wish I had stayed in your place. You would know what to do... You... loved... And I..."
Guilt washed over her in insatiable waves and the sobbing from her throat became course and stuck. She coughed deeply and found she had strained her throat's muscles, feeling the painful spasms this caused. She panicked inwardly, fearing that she would actually die because she could not breathe.
The mabari hound walked over to his mistress irresolutely and nudged his nose beneath her hair to find her face. His cold, wet nose made contact with her forehead and she felt the small comfort of having his presence there. The spasms in her throat passed and she felt incredibly selfish and foolish to have panicked about dying when others were so selfless and heroic, not afraid to die. She threw her arms around the canine and cried loudly into his dirty, blood-caked golden fur.
Duncan could only listen with closed eyes as she wept inconsolably. Ostagar seemed so insignificant at this point. His thoughts snapped back to the darkspawn and the impending Blight looming over Ferelden's horizon. The scales of severity tipped back to Ostagar. It seemed heartless, but no one could truly understand a Blight like a Grey Warden was able to. It was terrible. And it was coming. While Krista's family was murdered and the castle was destroyed in the turn of events, the entire nation would be decimated and every life form would be slaughtered once the darkspawn were set loose by the lead of the archdemon. Duncan tried to remember this as the young woman behind him lamented bitterly at the cruel fate the Maker had envisioned for her.
Garnet hid well in the shadows to watch painfully as his new love-interest faced her demons alone. The countless amount of trees proved to be good cover, but staying to observe made every second of leaving more difficult. He didn't know why he was still there watching. He had convinced himself that it was a punishment for abandoning her. If he was going to leave her alone, he was going to suffer by painfully idling nearby to observe as he could do nothing to comfort her. It was not meant to be a cruel joke. However, he felt like that was exactly what it was because he
could comfort her now if he so chose. It tormented him not to, but he had decided this was for the best. Was it not? It was a tough decision, but he knew he had to be the one to make it. He bit his bottom lip and let a few tears fall freely as he slipped away in the shadows.
Krista let her head drop and loll around as the Grey Warden put a hand on her shoulder.
"Do not let their sacrifices be in vain. We will see that Howe pays for what he has done, but we must flee to safety now," he said. "After the battle at Ostagar is over, I promise you there will be vengeance. But you have to get up. You must stand and persevere."
She opened her mouth to breathe as she sniffed disgusting bits back into her nose.
"I can't," she said, her vocals sounding hoarse and strained. "You make it sound so easy, coming in here and carrying me away from the danger. I never asked for anyone to save me this time. I was ready to be honorable for my father's sake... for my family's sake. Now... I have nothing left to live for. Don't you see?" she scoffed and stifled a sickly-sounding sob. "I'm useless... Everyone tried so hard to protect me but I'm... I'm not even worth it."
She lifted her hands to look at her palms. "I killed so many people... But it didn't do any good! They kept coming. They kept dying. They... had families too somewhere. I... became just like Howe the instant I killed someone...I don't even know what I am... I took people from their families. I can never give them back!" The tears rolled freely down from her squinted eyes. "All the blood! All the crying! What did I fix? I couldn't even bandage my own father!... He was there...
dying and I didn't even know how to begin the process of helping!" The image caused her to let out a loud cry. "... I thought I was so smart... that I was so
ready for combat... But I-I... I was
so wrong. I really was just... a
stupid girl trying to play dress-up in a man's armor!"
Her hands shook as Nugget moved towards them, nudging gently with his snout.
"Your parents would be disheartened to hear such things. They thought highly of their daughter. They were very proud of you," Duncan stated comfortingly as he leaned over her shoulder.
"How would you know?" she asked accusingly, insulted by words that were meant to comfort. She glared at his concerned eyes with her own bloodshot ones. "They're dead... And it's my fault."
"Did you murder them with your own hands?" Duncan responded, becoming firm with the girl. "I don't recall seeing that. Should I tell the King it was not Howe, but
you who ordered the attack of Howe's forces?
No. I think not. Krista Cousland... You are not to blame for any of this. I saw your loyalty to your family -to your castle- until the very end. You were ready to die. But so many gave their lives so that you could live. There is potential in you. This is why you alone were spared, why
you must continue to survive and be strong. There is something in you that no one else possesses."
He paused to let her ponder his words. Her head stirred as she swallowed hard, the tears still flowed as she looked up at him expectantly.
"Hope," he stated. "There is a hope within you that I have seen in no other. You have a goodness about you, an inward desire for the best in every situation –the best in every person. You do not have the warrior's natural strength and might, but I believe what you possess is better. You cannot allow such an admirable trait to fade. The woman I met yesterday would never give up so easily. Your parents saw so much fire in your eyes. Your father told me himself that there was no keeping you from what you wanted to do. You have the talent and the skill to survive and excel in this world. Do not let Howe's treachery defeat you. You must go on."
She felt like he could be lying and she would have no way to tell, but his words allayed her guilt and anxiety for the moment. She felt the sincerity he meant for the words to behold and she nodded weakly, trying to speak. Her vocal chords were sore as she let out an appreciative grunt. Nugget's head worked its way into her hands and he whimpered softly.
"It's okay," she cooed to him lovingly with a few tears still streaming freely. "We... have each other now, Nugs. Me and you..." Her last statement was a low whisper as she stroked his fur.
"We must make our way south. Once we arrive at Ostagar, we can tell the King of what has happened. He will see that justice is done," Duncan said soothingly. "Your brother will also be there."
"I..." she looked up at the man who had now extended an open palm to her with surprised eyes. "I had forgotten Fergus in all this mess... How could I...?" She rubbed her forehead and blinked tiredly as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "I don't know that it's enough to keep me going forever, but it's enough for now... I feel... sick, disgusted, lost... useless... But it's my job to tell Fergus... Everything... His wife... His son... My grieving is far from over... But, this is a break... and it's my best shot to keep going with you before I lose the strength in my legs again."
Krista Cousland took his palm and rose to her feet, her hound standing close by and watching. Duncan led her out of the trees and onto a somewhat clear path she could only assume was a back-route to the Bannorn. If they were heading deep into the south, they had a long way to go. She swallowed hard as she tousled Nugget's fur and kept pace beside the Grey Warden. She thought she saw something move in the nearby shadows, but she dismissed it quickly as some harmless animal.
They moved silently as Krista fought back sleepy fits and sickly usurps in her stomach. She yawned repeatedly along their slow trek in the twilight hours of the morning. She forced herself to remain awake no matter how tired she became as they continued towards their destination. She never looked back that night, but she vowed to return to reclaim her home someday. She promised herself that she would.
