And So...?

I don't think I'm even thinking as we
make our way back to Sora's. In fact, I'm actually just completely
zoned out, my heart racing as I anticipate what's going to happen.

The anxiety is absolutely overwhelming,
which is stupid, because I never have been an anxious person. But I
guess when your future with your best friend is about to be decided,
a person can get just a little
antsy. Especially when you're in love with you best friend, you've
just molested them in their sleep, they actually responded,and you have no idea what's going on anymore.

That, and you know this can't possibly
go anywhere positive, because you're sure
that you can't really be the one that's right for him.

One thing is for sure; I'm glad Kairi
let me borrow her blanket.

I really do feel bad about her window.

He's rowing quietly, and I just listen
to him breathe, hoping that what I'm going to do won't make it so
that this is the last time I hear him breathing in the quiet. I sneak
a glance at him, and he's focussed, concentrating on his task... and I
can't help but wonder what he's thinking.

Damn. My mind is going in a hundred
directions at once, and I can't decide what to do. Should I be
selfish and let myself have him?

Should I tell him I can't see him?

I'm so scattered I can't even think out
conclusions. My thoughts aren't even really thoughts anymore... Just
broken words and images of panic.

----------------

Riku's eyes still won't meet mine as we
row back to the main island, but right now I don't even care about
his expressions or opinions or any other thing that he could possibly
do because he's here
and whether he wants me or not I'm gonna make him understand how much
I need him.

I don't think I really got it through
my head until he ran out of my house in his boxers. When he left me
again, I just felt like something had dropped out of me... And it
kinda felt like being a heartless.

That stupid little jerk is my heart,
and I'm gonna make sure he knows that no matter what, he's always
gonna be with me... Whether it's the way I want him or just as my
friend. I'm just not gonna let him run away.

I haveto make him see all that! I just don't know how I'm gonna
do it yet.

Hmm.

I just can't even think clearly.

Maybe... Maybe it won't work.

No... That can't be it. Not after
everything, after how everything has just fallen into place and it's
so perfect
and he's such an idiotfor not seeing that! I just want to smack him in the face
sometimes...

Well, more like punch the crap out of
him. Why is
he so stubborn?

----------------

As we walk into Sora's I can feel my
heart literally pounding in my chest, so hard it almost hurts. We
aren't holding hands anymore, which is good, because mine are almost
wet with sweat.

Which, by the way, is really gross.

Up the stairs, past the game room, into
the room at the end of the hall - Sora's.

He seats himself on his bed, and before
the tension can be broken any other way, I decide that now is the
time to apologize.

"I'm sorry I molested you in your
sleep."

Well, that didn't really come out quitethe way I intended, but there's nothing I can really do
about it now.

I chance a look at him from where I'm
standing in the corner, and I can make out a faint blush on his
cheeks.

"It... It's okay. I liked it. I...
thought you might have figured that out."

It's my turn to blush as the memory of
his lips pushing back against mine plays out in my head. I can feel
his eyes on me, and I know he's itching to say something.

"Riku," He starts, gently,
"Why did you run away from me?" His voice is soft, but full
of hurt, and I can't really stand that I'm the cause of that. See?
Only bad things come from me.

"Sora..."

"Please, just tell me why.
That's all I want to know, Riku." He interrupts, his voice
breaking slightly.

Before I know it I'm immediately at his
side, and he's leaning on me, clutching my arm. I have to let him
stay for a moment, and I run my hand through his hair, just once,
trying to comfort him.

"Sora, I knew. Kairi told me you
might feel the same way about me as I feel about you." He
stills, and releases me, looking up at me from where we sit. "I
knew about you being gay, everything, before you told me. But
I didn't believe it was me you cared for until tonight."

God I hope I know what I'm saying.

"You... you did?" He asks
tentatively. "Well if you knew, then why did you-"

"Hey," I shush him, "I'm
getting to that, alright? Sora... I kissed you because it was the
only thing I'll ever allow myself."

"What do you-"

"Sora. Just listen, okay?" I
say, and he nods, turning to face me, his eyes staring intently at
me. I still can't meet them.

"Sora, I don't deserve you. Not
after everything I did... I know it sounds crazy, but you're too
innocent for me. God, sometimes I can still feel myself slipping into
it, feel the sick, slimy darkness coiling around me... I can smell
that scent, the scent of death and blood and loneliness, and fuckbut sometimes I can't pull out of it.

"I can't make you happy, Sora. I
don't deserve to be loved. I mean don't you even remember?
How I doubted you, how I betrayed you for practically nothing?"
Now I am looking at him, but he's turned away from me, and his
expression seems angry. Sora, angry? Look at what I've done now.

I breath in deeply, letting out my
greatest fear. "And... I don't know what I'm still capable of. I
don't... I don't care what Kairi says, you shouldn't love me! No one
should!"

My fists are clenched and shaking, and
I'm terrified of myself.

"This isn't about
Kairi!" He shouts, turning on me suddenly. "It's
about you
and me."

"But I'll only hurt you!" I
shout back, feeling tears prickle at the edges of my eyes. "I
still feel it around me, Sora! Were you even listening?! I'll get it
on you, inside you, and it will hurt you. My light is too slight to hold back all my dark,
Sora. It consumes me
sometimes, it will get
to you."

"You are SO STUPID!" He
shouts, truly angry with me as he stands up, pacing the room. "Can't
you see it? That's why
it's perfect! I'm that part of you that can hold it back, Riku! Don'tyou remember,
how we defeated Xemnas together?
I couldn't have done it alone, and neither could you! We needeach other, Riku." He's calmed down, looking really
tired, and I can feel myself beginning to cry silently. I don't even
know why I'm crying. Shit. I never cry. I nevercry.

"We've... we've always been
together, Riku," He continues, "and I just want to be with
you now." He steps closer to me, kneeling down just far enough
away so that he's not touching me. "Why won't you let me be with
you? Why won't you let me make you happy? I'm meant to, Riku."
He's crying now, but I know he can't tell that I am too. "We're
meant for each other, stupid. I'm meant to make you happy, and I know
you're the only one I
want to make me happy."

"Sora... I can't make you happy."

"I don't care whether or not you
think you can!" He sobs, sitting up on his knees and grabbing my
legs. "I know you
can! You just... you just don't want
to."

He breaks, collapsing against me, and
my heart constricts in my chest to the point where it hurts so badly
I can't breathe. I guess that's what it feels like when your heart is
breaking.

I'm down on my knees now, pulling him
to me, and he crawls forward desperately, pulling himself into my lap
and wrapping his arms around my neck tightly. He cries against my
shoulder, and I just hold him, letting him calm down. I can't think
of anything to say...

"I want," He starts, after
calming down, his voice muffled against my chest, "I want to
make you happy."

I look away from him, unable to
respond, unable to do anythingexcept just be, because I don't know what to do.

"Sora... I can't..."

"Shut up." He whispers, then
says more definitively, "Shut up." He grabs my face,
forcing me to look at him. "I'm going to be selfish this time,"
He says, taking a deep breath before continuing, "I want you,
Riku. I want you,
any and every way I can have you. I want all of you, every part, even
the bad ones. And I want it totally. So please,please
stop being an idiot and let me have
you."

He's searching my eyes, and I'm in
danger, because I know I want the exact same thing from him and for
him, and he knows it now because my eyes could never lie. But I try
one last time.

"Sora, I can't
make you happy!"

He shakes his head at me firmly,
because he knows he's won, he knows what I want and am denying
myself.

"You know what I'm going to say.
Just shut up for once,
quit listening to your idiot
brain, and listen to me. Or if you won't listen," He
licks his lips nervously, and I know what's coming, and my heart has
stopped, and the tears are still rolling down my face in a silent
stream and oh god he's
going to kiss me... "Let me proveit to you."

------------------

Oh god oh god oh god oh god... I'm
doing this. I have to do this. I have to make sure he knows he has to
be mine.

I can feel myself leaning forward, and
I can feel him there, and he's so warm,and I want him so
badly, and then, a breath away...

And I'm kissing him.

I'm clumsy and I don't know how to
kiss, but I'm putting everything I have into this. I'm moving slowly
against his still lips, at first, but then everything changes and I'm
desperate for him to at least
respond, do something!
I know you love me, Riku, so kiss me back, dammit!

I press myself against him fully,
turning in his lap so I'm straddling his waist, pull back for just a
moment, then crush
my lips against his, feeling him gasp, and I take the chance to push
my tongue into his mouth and let him feel me, let him see
how perfect this is and how I can't live without it.

But he's just sitting there, and he
won't do anything!
Can't he see?
I know he wants it too!

My hands find their way to his hair,
one rubbing gentle circles at the little place where his shoulders
meet the back of his head, the other one holding on for dear life as
I just keep kissing him, hoping
that he will just do something!Anything!

And just like that, I feel him break,
and suddenly I'm on my back, and his mouth is attacking mine, his
tongue fighting mine back, and he's holding my arms above my head
like he's about to tickle me only instead we're doing this...And god
is he an amazing kisser.

He pulls back, and we're both panting,
and I know I'm hard, which probably isn't the best thing right now,
but that was incredibly
hot and he's so beautifuland I love him so
much...

I look up at him through half-lidded
eyes, and realize that his face is wet with tears, and more are
streaming from his eyes. I'd reach up to wipe them away but he still
has my arms pinned, and he's panting, eyes darting all over my face,
and he's so beautiful.

"Ri-ku..."

"Sora... god... do you really...?"
He asks, tentative.

"YES!
Do you believe me now?" I say, leaning up to kiss his lips. I
pull back, wiggling my arms out from under him (he immediately
releases me), wrapping myself around him because I'm never letting
him go (and he sure as shit
isn't running away this time). "I," I kiss his neck,
"Want," and again. "You." And this time it's a
small lick that makes him shiver above me.

His eyes are closed when I look at him,
which only scares me a little, because I know he's not gonna leave me
again.

I'd like to see him tryto run away with another boy clinging to him like a
barnacle. Heh.

When he opens his eyes, though, I know
I'm in trouble. In an entirely good way.

He takes a deep breath, and I can hear
the splash as he dives into me.

"You don't know what you're asking
for."

And I'm thinking to myself finally.

I wrap my legs around him, pulling his
hips into mine and letting him feel just how badly I want him to do
and keep doing everything he is
doing to me.

It's almost embarrassing how hard I am,
but at this point, I don't think I really care that much.

I'm smiling, I'm ecstatic, and I'mreally, really horny.

And his hands are everywhere, running
under my shirt and over my belly, going gently over my nipples that
are hard and aching for him to do something with, though what I don't
have any idea, because hey, I dunno how guys have sex!

Are we gonna have sex?

How does that work?

Eh, cross that bridge when we get
there.

His fingers run along the edge of my
pants as he rolls to his side, sitting up and taking off his shirt.

"Hey!" I protest, then feel
embarrassed about just shouting out like that. He looks at me funny.
"Well... I kinda wanted to do that part." I say, feeling
myself blush madly.

He laughs at me a little. "What,
you want to undress me?"

I nod, feeling fire on my face. Funny
how you can go from making out hard core and humping your best friend
to being embarrassed about wanting to take his shirt off.

He smirks, and I can feel my Riku
coming back to me, some of his darkness being erased as he lets his
stupid self relax and enjoy life.

And letting me do my job; making him
happy.

"Well then," he says, "I
guess I'll be your doll.
But only if you'll return the favor." I think he's being a
little sarcastic, but only kinda.

Hey, whatever gets his clothes off!

And then I'm on him, rubbing him,
touching him in all the places he touched me, kissing him everywhere
I can reach (and getting a moan
out of him at his nipples).

I just knew
I'd get him in the end.

---------------

A/N: Fear not! The smut is on it's way. Just give us a moment and I shall have it written up by at least Monday; I just needed to post this at ff.net and here, and, well, couldn't include the smut at ff.net so I haven't written it yet.

Much love!