Barflies

“The Drunken Skunk?” Allerdyce asked aloud, staring in disbelief at the rickety makeshift bar before them. Roderick by his side the two began their fateful steps towards the entrance to their newfound ‘bar’. A thoroughly inebriated tauren lay strewn across the steps like a bear skin rug, his heavy breathing and occasional fart the only indication that life still pulsed in his veins. The two stepped over the mass of booze soaked beef and opened the door, the familiar ambiance of dimly lit kegs and dried vomit greeting them like an old friend.

“This place smells like your place Roddy!” Allerdyce quipped. “Only thing missing is the female gnome skin mags in the bathroom.”

“But I don’t have any female gnome skin mags Alley…” Roderick thought aloud.

“That’s because you’re flaming gay!” The gnome just frowned.

Their new bar was situated in the charming locale of Zangarmarsh, a swamp of sorts on what was left of Draenor, the home planet of orcs and draenai. Allerdyce and Roderick had been there all of two weeks. Roderick knew this because Allerdyce hadn’t stopped moaning and whining since they arrived.

“Who serves booze in this dump?” Allerdyce queried, drumming out a familiar rhythm on the bar. Some patrons looked at him with disdain, most just didn’t care.

“That would be me lad, and if ye insult my bar again, learning to eat without teeth will quickly become your main goal in life” Grumbled a surly looking dwarf, then again, most dwarves look surly, especially the women. His face was riddled with craterous pock marks and a bulbous nose upon which sat a ripe pimple, on the verge of bursting. Allerdyce couldn’t fight the urge to stare at the bright red beacon on the dwarf’s face as he asked the two how they may be served.

“My apologies on insulting this… fine… facility. Obviously the health department has been here and seen fit you may serve alcohol without risk of cholera or dysentery to your patrons.” Alley spoke in his usual cheerful demeanor. “How’s zit going by the way?”

“Eh, business is good. Not much to do here but drink, kill stuff, and fuck.”

“Yeah... this place really is a festering pimple on a dog’s ass…” Alley sighed. Roderick nudging him in the ribs before expressing a look of disdain for Alley’s obvious poking.

“Anyways… enough pleasantries, my name is Augustus, you can either buy a drink or hit the road.”

“Two beers then oh generous barkeep.”

At first glance it seemed the bartender had served them beer in fancy glass steins, making Allerdyce’s eyes light up in surprise. However that glimmer of hope soon turned to a scowl of disgust as Alley realized it wasn’t stained glass mugs, but just plain old filthy stained glass mugs. He lifted his mug to stare at it as his head rested on his hand, a heavy sigh issuing forth. “I hate Outland…” he huffed.

“Problem sunshine?” The dwarf chided.

“Well, to be honest, I’m afraid of what diseases I WON’T get if I drink this… not to mention I’ve seen a bigger head on a pimple than this beer… oh, and lest I forget…” Allerdyce reached into his robe, plinking 2 copper on the bar. “Your tip kind sir…” he got up from the bar, Roderick grabbing his beer to follow in curiosity. Allerdyce found a table and sat down, Roddy sitting across from him.

“I hate this place Roddy.”

“The bar?”

“The planet you twit…”

“Why?”

“Well let’s see… It’s teeming with demons, fel orcs, carnivorous plants, bugs, and god knows what else. The only city worth a spit is a smoldering ruin. It’s smelly. It’s hot. And I haven’t gotten laid in three months.”

“Oh Alley it’s not that bad. Besides, when we were in Azeroth, all you did was complain about Azeroth!” Roderick piped in his cheery tone. Allerdyce involuntarily twitched as he usually did when Roderick struck a nerve. “Just enjoy your beer, I’m going to say ‘hi’ to Trina and Trisha, they just walked in!”

“Ugh.” Allerdyce scoffed. “Those two are only slightly less annoying than a hyperactive gnoll having a giggle fit.”

Allerdyce sighed in boredom as he stared at his drink, taking tiny sips of the liquid and basically just moping like a twelve year old girl who’s just been grounded by her father. His miserable solitude was made more miserable when a pack of all too familiar faces burst through the door, Allerdyce’s palm found his own face as Bill’s beady red eyes locked with his own, the orc making a beeline for Alley’s table.

“Daaad! Get up off the porch! You’re embarrassing me!” cried Ruckus as he stood in the doorway holding the rickety door open.

“Well, well, well lookie who we found guys! If it ain’t the Duchess of Darnassus his own self, Allerdyce!” Bill guffawed, nudging Rob in the ribs. “Why so glum chum, did they run out of new sparkly dresses for you to try on? I hear the Scryers have quite the selection of froo froo clothing for limpwrists!”

“Oh Bill, for the thousandth time, it’s called a ‘robe’, a ‘dress’ is what you make Rob wear at home so you can pretend your marriage is actually legal.” Alley jeered. “It’s ok Rob, the dress doesn’t make your butt look big, your butt is just really that big.”

“S’amatter Alley?” Bill asked with a tone of concern. “Your jabs ain’t half what they usually are. Your little gnome buddy finally wise up and ditch you?”

“No… he’s over by the bar talking with his girlfriends..” Bill turned to look at Roderick.

“Well.. he’s got good taste at least. Check out the cans on the brunette!”

“They’re twins, the brunette has a laugh that sounds like nails on a blackboard.” Bill shuddered.

”But does she moan like a whore? That’s the important question, could give a shit less what she laughs like, I’ll never hear it.”

“Sure you would Bill, you’d have to get nude in front of her eventually, and that’s laughs galore from what I hear.” Bill punched Alley in the arm with a frown. “Aw c’mon man, I’m just being truthful! No need to resort to violence! Can’t we all pretend we’re civilized for a minute?”

“You’re lucky I’m still pretending murder is illegal out here!” Bill chuckled. “So spill it little man, what’s got you down?”

“Well, to be brutally honest, I haven’t gotten…” Allerdyce stopped talking mid sentence as his attention was captivated by a newcomer to the table, long amber locks were brushed back perfectly over pointy pink ears. Deep pools of jade locked with his own eyes as a perfect smile formed over pouting lips.

“Oh, Alley, say hello to Azadraea, one a ‘dose Bleed Elves that just joined us..”

“Blood Elves…actually..” Azadraea spoke, barely above a whisper, voice as soft as a spring breeze wrapped in silk.

“Anyways.. you were sayin Alley?” Bill interrupted, Alley’s eyes still locked with the Blood Elf’s.

“I was saying I haven’t gotten…laid…” Allerdyce squeaked, actually blushing from embarrassment from saying it in front of Azadraea.

“Oh my…” the blood elf spoke in shock, fingers covering mouth to disguise a smile. “That’s terrible…” Azadraea soothed.

“I know, a crime against humanity if you ask me. Completely unacceptable.” Allerdyce flirted.

“You should find someone to take care of that… Could have dire effects on your mental and physical health I hear.” Azadraea retorted, a wicked grin becoming far too evident to hide any more.

“You know anyone?” Alley asked, a twinkle of lust in his eye.

“Yeah… I might…” Azadraea winked.

Bill just sat idly by and drunk in the sight before him, a shit eating grin growing at extraordinary rate on his green mug. Leaning back he whispered into Rob’s ear, who turned to look at the pair trading flirtations. Bill’s hand flew up to cover Rob’s mouth as the troll began to laugh, a thick green finger coming up to Bill’s lips as he shushed his friend. “Just watch kimosabe… just watch…” He said with a smile.

Many drinks later found Azadraea far more emboldened, the blood elf priest (as Allerdyce came to find out) was sitting in Alley’s lap as they drank and laughed together. It was late in the night when they were both thoroughly inebriated, speech slurring, that Azadraea leaned forward to whisper in Alley’s ear.

“Wanna go back to my room? We can take care of that ‘problem’ of yours…”

“Are you kidding?!” Alley slurred. “I’d love to go back to your room and get a piece of that hot ass!”

The two rose from their shared chair, donning cloaks and cowls as they headed towards the door. Bill’s eyes never left the pair, though they were now shimmering as tears began to form at the corners, his bottom lip firmly held in place by gritted teeth. Finally when the pair left the bar did he burst out in a snicker.

“What’s so funny?” Roderick asked as he sat near Bill. “Where’s Alley?”

“I’ll tell ya later squirt!” Bill smiled, tussling Roddy’s hair, the gnome grinning as he fixed it back in place. “Alley went home with a friend, looks like you’re without a wingman. Why don’t you just hang out with us? I’ll buy ya a beer and we can make ga-ga eyes at those two hotties you were talking to.”

“Oh, they’re nice gals but a little weird…” Roddy explained, picking up his mug to take a sip.

“Why’s that?” Bill asked.

“They kept asking me to come back to their place and judge some kind of work contest between the two…”

“Work contest?”

“Yeah! They said something about a ‘blow job’ contest! And they wanted me to judge! I mean who would want to be a part of that?!” Roddy asked, oblivious to the wide eyed stares of disbelief from Bill and Rob, who’s attention he had gotten with the mention of said job.

“Roddy… do you know what a ‘blow job’ is?” Bill asked.

“No. Does it have anything to do with making glass? Because I saw that once and it was pretty boring, I think Alley just wanted to go to look at the boobs of the girl who was making the glass. But, I didn’t really enjoy it, it was really hot by the oven and my popcorn was all gone by the time they started so I…” Roderick explained as Bill leaned in close to the gnome and whispered into his ear. “and then… OH MY GOD! Is that what that means?!” Roderick asked, staring at Bill in disbelief. Bill nodded at him. “How on earth do you judge that?!” he asked. Bill again leaned forward and whispered into his ear. “OH MY GOD! That means that they…” Bill nodded. “To me?” Again Bill nodded.

“Maybe you should go take them up on that generous offer squirt. I don’t think Rob and myself will be inviting you to anything like that in the near future…” Bill explained, patting the naïve gnome on his head. Roderick took off like a bolt back to the bar, the twins jumping and cheering in glee as they pinched his cheeks and scooped him up to run off out of the bar, placing kisses on his cheeks. “Some guys just have all the luck…” Bill mused, turning back to Rob. Rob merely shrugged, then hiked his leg and cut a juicy fart. The two cackled maniacally as Bill retaliated, nearby patrons looking on in disgust.


Azadraea had a very posh hotel room, far more than anything Allerdyce’s cheap ass could afford. Sheer drapes covered a luxurious emperor sized bed littered with dozens of pillows and the finest silk linens. It felt divine as he fell back onto it, rubbing his face in the covers as Azadraea stalked over him, looking down on him like a hungry predator, well manicured hands stroking his face as the blood elf lowered down to kiss his neck, nipping at the soft flesh, making goosebumps ripple along his skin. Those same hands expertly opened his robe, tracing every inch of his chest.

“You’re pretty naughty for a holy roller aren’t you?” Alley asked, vision blurring as the booze fully kicked in.

“I’m very naughty…” Azadraea cooed, “And right now I want to help you empty those heavy balls of yours…” hand sliding under the waistband to cup those very same balls. Then sliding down Alley’s underwear down and off, hot breath replacing the cool air on his exposed cock. Alley moaned eyes closing as Azadraea’s tongue lashed along the length of his cock, flicking the tip, before slipping it inside to be assaulted by the full warmth of Azadraea’s mouth. Head bobbing on Alley’s shaft, the blood elf nursed hungrily on his cock, moaning in appreciation of Alley’s flavor.

Alley’s hips began to rise and fall on their own as he thrusted into Azadraea’s ravenous maw, wanting to spill his seed into the priest’s mouth with wanton abandon. Azadraea could feel Alley’s release approaching critical mass, again cupping his balls and rolling them about as they began to move on their own. Azadraea had less than a heartbeat to prepare before the first gush of Alley’s cream spilled forth. Quickly the priest’s mouth was filled with hot cum as pulse after pulse issued forth from Alley’s cock. The mage’s head was lolled back, a dreamy smile on his face as he moaned in bliss, Azadraea’s hand stroking his thigh as his orgasm continued to a slow trickle. Finally the blood elf let his cock slip from between those exquisite lips, the familiar wicked smile returning to those same pouty lips.

“Did you enjoy?” Azadraea asked.

“Very much! You have no idea how bad I needed that!” Alley sighed, face rubbing into his pillow as his eyes were closed, basking in the afterglow.

“Believe me, I could tell you’d been holding that one back for a while… But now I find myself desiring some more action…” Azadraea explained, hand still stroking Alley’s thigh.

“Help yourself.” Alley spoke, “I won’t stop you.”

Alley could feel Azadraea’s weigh shifting on the bed as the blood elf was shedding clothing, the thump of heavy robes on the floor was joined by the clatter of expensive jewelry. Allerdyce’s eyes slowly fluttered open as he felt Azadraea’s hands grip the back of his legs, lifting his hips off the mattress.

“What are you….”


“So you got your brass polished real good eh?” Bill asked, lifting his mug to take a drink. “I thought you would, I could see trouble in those eyes from the moment you started talking!”

“Yeah! It was really good! I felt bad that I had to pick just one… they both tried so hard!” Roderick squeaked.

“True, but if you want my opinion squirt, I don’t think they really cared WHO won. In the end little buddy, you’re the winner, right?” Bill explained to the nodding gnome, meanwhile the door to the bar flew open, Allerdyce skulking in with an all too familiar scowl. Bill had stopped talking, mouth hanging agape in a smile, closing him mouth and fighting to wipe off that smile that seemed to keep creeping back onto his face.

“You…” Alley spoke with a tone of accusation as he sat down. “OW… You rotten green bastard… You disgusting, vile, hideous stain on the face of the universe… you knew didn’t you, you toad kissing pile of kodo feces! You knew!” Allerdyce trembled with rage.

“What’s the matter Alley? Az didn’t take care of your ‘problem’? I’m told that priest could suck the enchant off Ashbringer!” Bill spoke, faking concern to the best of his ability.

”Quit smiling you worg humping, troll loving, jerkin’ off to Thrall’s painting, child touching, brainless twit!” Allerdyce fumed, his face growing redder with each syllable.

“Gee Alley, why ya so mad? Didn’t you get some of that ‘hot ass’ last night?”

“SHE WAS A MAN YOU JACKASS!” Allerdyce practically screamed, suddenly becoming aware of his surroundings as dozens of eyes locked on him.

“Calm down Alley!” Bill chuckled. “What crawled up YOUR ass!” he finished, finally losing all control as he heaved with laughter. Allerdyce just pouted, bottom lip quivering as he began to sip on his beer. “….jerk….” was all he could muster as a retort.