My Thrill

The empty room hummed with silence, illuminated in the glow of a fluorescent watch on the nightstand. 1:43 it said. The insistent light from the city streets berated the window to find any purchase it could through the thick curtain made to block it. It managed a half-hearted glow and a thread-thin line that ran along the floor and over the bed.

Awake

Aware

Alone

The hum of song crept over his thoughts like an insect over sleeping skin and the elf began to stir. The soft bedding beneath him felt uncomfortable through the denim of his pants and the leather of his jacket. He hadn't bothered to undress.

Lost

And far

From home

His wine colored eyes opened sightlessly to the dark of the room as he rolled onto his back, a soft groan of protest leaving his lips at the denial of much needed sleep.

I walk

Without

These walls

Staring up at the ceiling he saw little lights flickering down at him like stars.

So there

Is less

To fall

It would be just like Roland to add something so saccharine to the guest room. What was his deal with glitter and stars and all of that flashy, gaudy crap, anyway?

I am Naked

No, he thought, I'm still dressed from yesterday.

I have nothing left.

Well...no. But, I have enough.

My bones are picked clean.

Mother always said I didn't eat enough.

And riddled with regrets.

That much is true. I can't say I'm proud of a lot.

He rolled over and curled into himself, exhaling quietly through his nostrils. He stared at the soft glow around the edges of the distant curtain, the droning music rising and falling with the push and pull of his thoughts.

Nothing can touch me.

I'm not sure I believe that.

I've nothing left to take.

Well...yeah.

For I am naked.

I feel that way sometimes.

But, I can never break.

He blinked, not recalling this particular song before. The echoing voice faded into a rise of tech-beat that began humming through his skull.

He shook his head as his eyes blinked and widened, pushing up from the bed with an intake of air. There was no use for it now, he was awake.

Aware.

Alone.

He stuck a finger in his ear and wriggled it, in a futile attempt to fight off the sound. With a sigh he grabbed his watch from the nightstand and strapped it onto his wrist, swinging his legs over the side of the bed to sit. He folded his hands in his lap, staring into the colorless room as his eyes began to adjust.

His watch glowed, faintly illuminating his worn and tired features as it counted away the minutes of the hour while Julian sat.

It was just his luck that insomnia would creep in on him, especially after such a rough week. Gamma, Roland, and himself had all been put through their paces. Repair costs, street medics, and thoughts of near death were all that memory held for the past four days. But, it was done with now.

Bombarded by brutal events
Like the rays of a sun
Knocked to my knees
By the waves that continued to come

Julian furrowed his brow and slid off of the mattress in search of his shoes, knowing he would get no peace. His best efforts would make no difference, as they rarely did. The only other option that remained was to drown it all, with louder sound.

Each time I rise to my feet
I am knocked to the ground
But I am an element
Nothing can break me down

He stumbled out into the hallway, head in his hands as he staggered along. He seemed drunk, or at the very least too tired to walk. He was, but that didn't matter. He always had trouble staying in strange houses anyway. Granted, Roland was a great friend, but this wasn't his home. It wasn't his room. It wasn't his space.

Link after link in a chain
Pulling hard at my limbs
The search party's lost now
The outlook is growing dim

Maybe, he thought, he would just head home instead and lay down. Maybe then he could rest. He'd hate to leave unannounced, but he really did not think either Roland or Gamma would think twice about it. They'd call him if they had a job or were concerned about anything. It wasn't as if he didn't already have a tendency for late nights. No, they wouldn't worry.

Praying for wisdom
There's nobody left to impart
But I am an atom
And nothing can take me apart

Realizing that he had lingered, he continued his trek. Quietly, his footsteps stole through the house and he scooped up his bag from where it leaned against the wall. A robotic whir churned from within the fabric and he put a finger to his lips, glowing cyan eyes looking at him with a rictus of indignation from the opening.

I am naked
I have nothing left

Tack did not appreciate being awakened. Funny that, thought Julian, when he doesn't even sleep. Another thing he must have picked up from me.

My bones are picked clean
And riddle with regrets

He gently ruffled the fur atop his head and Tack issued a soft grinding sound from his speakers. It would have mimicked a purr had it not been for its natural tendency to make even the most pleasant noises somehow sinister underneath the intended meaning.

"Julian? What are you doing up?"

Nothing can touch me

The elf turned, knowing the exhausted voice to belong to Roland. He blinked through the dim light and for once had nothing to say right away.

There's nothing left to take.
For I am naked

Roland's eyes traveled drearily down Julian's arm and, once they reached the backpack in his hand, they widened awake. He fixed the elf with his gaze, eyes filled with concern and dispute, "Where are you going?"

And I can never break

Julian's throat bobbed and he squeezed his eyes closed again, trying in very much the wrong way to shut out the music. "Uh..." He pressed his free hand to his forehead with a tired groan, "Out, I guess...eh. No where in particular."

Roland sighed, shaking his head, "You know that's not a good idea right now. Normally, I would say do whatever makes you happy, but right now it's just not safe for us to be coming and going. Especially for you, you know."

The elf rolled his eyes, "If they wanted to find this place, then they would have already."

"That's no reason to-"

A feminine groan interrupted their whispered words, followed by the sound of a heavy body shifting in sleep. Gamma had decided to take the couch for the evening.

Julian and Roland both froze, not even daring to breath. It wasn't that they were afraid that Gamma would hurt them in some way but...they were afraid of Gamma. Sure, she was their mutual friend, Roland more so, but deep down everyone was afraid if only a little, or so Jules believed.

They sighed in quiet relief when her breaths evened out again and Roland beckoned with his finger, "Come on, we'll talk in the hall."

He departed before Jules could argue or announce that he didn't care and was leaving anyway. So, begrudgingly the elf set his backpack down again, leaving Tack to fall back into whatever the little droid considered to be sleep and followed after.

In the dim light at the end of the hall he could see Roland waiting for him, still wearing his daily clothing but without all the extras. Like his vest that didn't quite match his dress shirt, and his suspenders. Why did he wear them, anyway? Julian had asked this before, but it was never really clear to him. Apparently Roland thought the star-spattered elastic bands to be trendy. Gaudy and absolutely garish, verging on being utterly ridiculous, thought the elf.

And yet, without them he seemed so...normal.

Julian didn't like it. He shuffled along, raising a brow at the man as he approached and whispered, "Look, I'll be back. I just wanna get out. I can't sleep, Roland."

Roland sighed, pursing his lips, "And I told you, I don't think it's a good idea. I'm sorry you're cooped up here, but for right now we're safe, Jules. I'd like to keep it that way."

The elf shook his head, "You and Gamma aren't safe with me here, that's for sure. If they really caught onto me like I think they did...then it's only a matter of time before they find me. All it takes is a damn street shaman."

Roland rubbed his forehead, "Gamma and I won't be safe, regardless. Do you think you'd be any better off on your own? Or us, on our own? The three of us stand a chance, yesterday should have proven that much to you. I don't know why your so worried."

Now, Julian was frustrated. His fists clenched and his jaw set as he fought the urge to raise his voice. He took a deep breath to settle himself, "That's 'cause I know what we're dealin' with. I've been down that road, Roland, and I'll be damned before I let myself go back."

"Then stay, or they'll find you alone and you won't have me and Gamma to back you up."

"I don't need either of ya for that. I've been in Seattle for ten years now without incident. I think I can handle it."

"What, are you going for good?" His voice peeked slightly, a subtle hint to his concern as he looked over the elf's face.

Julian drew a deep breath, eyes slowly closing and one hand suspended in the air placidly as he tried to dig for words, "I... I don' know, Rols." He shook his head, his expression that of defeat, "I just don' know."

What if I wanted to break?

"You...you can't just leave like that. I mean, after all we've been through together. Er...as a group, I mean."

Jules scoffed.

Laugh it all off in your...face.

"You said it yourself how hard it is for you to find work and money is tight for all of us, as is."

What would you do?

Roland hesitated, "Julian?"

Jules blinked and returned his gaze to Roland's worried eyes again, "Mm?"

"Are you even listening to me?"

He fought the dryness in his throat, "Yeah, sorry. I just..."

Roland's brow furrowed and he placed a hand on the elf's shoulder, squeezing slightly as a hint to his frustration, "I'm sorry, I just can't let you go out there by yourself. Not when it's so dangerous. After all this blows over, you can do what you want. Can I at least have that much?"

Jules shook his head, "I said I don't know."

What if I fell to the floor?

"I'm just asking you to stay until things calm down, Julian."

The elf clenched his fists, his teeth gritting, "What'dya want from me? What good is me staying here gonna do for you? Nothing!"

Roland brought an urgent finger to his lips and Julian lowered his voice again, "Just let me go, or tell me what you want from me."

Couldn't take all this anymore

"I want to know you'll be alright and I know you won't if you leave. I can't let you just go like this."

"Yes. You can."

What would you do?

The man's grip tightened only slightly, "I can't make you understand, Jules. Please, don't be like this."

The elf's maroon eyes pierced into Roland's gaze, "Like what, Roland? Guess what? I don' understand you and ya can't make me. But, ya can't make me stay neither. Now what do you fuckin' want from me?"

Come, break me down

"I..." He began, looking the elf's face over as if some clue in his expression would aid him in his lack of words.

Bury me, bury me

Julian watched the war in the man's expression with a keen stare and stepped closer, "Just tell me, already." But, the elf had a feeling he knew. It was a common thing after all. There could be nothing else. Roland was worried because he valued him as a friend? Fat chance and he wasn't buying it.

I am finished with you

Roland backed away from the elf's advance, feeling the wall press against his back. His hands trembled against the cool surface and his throat tightened as the heat of those maroon eyes began to sink into him. His head shook feebly, "N-nothing... I just want... I just--"

What if I wanted to fight?

His voice fell away in a soft, quiet gasp of air as he felt the elf's hands grasp his waist. Julian pressed him against the wall and the heat of his stare came closer until their faces were mere inches apart. Roland shuddered, his jaw tensing and his heart racing, "J-Julian. I-I don't think that I..."

Beg for the rest of my life

The elf rolling his eyes, "Do I have to spell this out for you?" His lips were so close to Roland's that he could feel the man's quickened breaths, heated with a hint of mint lacing each one. He traced their shape with his eyes, coaxing them apart with the subtle motion of his lips. When he felt the other quiver in anticipation, he lifted his gaze to his and whispered with a voice so soft yet riddled with sultry appeal that he could see the desire rising within the other's gaze at the sound of it, "This is your big chance, Roland. Yes or no. That's all I need to hear and you can have whatever you want."

What would you do?

"W..Whatever I want?" he drew in a sharp breath, feeling that the elf's body so close would soon drive him mad. He looked over Julian's face, settling on his eyes. Anything he wanted? He wondered what the limitations to such an offer would be, if any. But, he could see no reserve in the elf's casual and steady stare and he knew that Julian meant every word of it. His mind chased the possibilities of such a proposition. Oh, he had thought about such things before. How could he not? He adored elves to begin with, and Julian was beautiful. It came as no surprise to him when he began entertaining the idea.

He stammered, "I-I don't know. I... Can I think about this?"

Julian pushed forward until his hips pinned Roland's to the wall, his lips brushing the other's as he said, "No. It's now or never, Roland, because I'm never going to offer you this again. Tonight. Anything you want. All you have to do is say yes." His voice dropped considerably and the whisper it trailed into left shivers in its wake, "Or no."

You say you wanted more

Roland's breath hitched and he felt as if without the wall and Julian that he would crumble into a heap. He fought the quaver in his voice to no avail, "Please, Julian... I just... I need time to think about it. Please?"

What are you waiting for?

The elf sealed their lips together, feeling a muffled whimper rise from Roland as he did. But, he wasn't fighting it. In fact, he could feel the trembling hands on his sides gripping him awkwardly. Heat steadily began to well, from the soles of his feet and rising in a torrent of flame through his body.

I'm not running from you

He deepened the kiss, wrapping all of his captive's thought and passion together and drowning them in a single action. He knew the man against his lips felt it, too. He did not need the clues his body freely gave to confirm it. It had been obvious to the elf for some time that this was exactly what was wanted of him. What else? His abilities and his body were all that were worth anything anymore. They were all that anyone wanted of him.

Roland felt faint, trembling in the persistent hands clutching his body. He could scarcely breath, and thinking simply was not an option. His hands tightened on the elf's thin waist and he only then realized they were there. The cool presence of metal seemed to be the only thing that kept his mind somewhat grounded as Julian's lip ring pressed against the side of his mouth, reminding him of exactly who it was that was melded against him. His thoughts began to creep forward as the heated kiss slowed and he when the elf finally pulled away a pitiful tremor rode in his breath. Air hissed through his lips in an inhale, shuddering as it left again, "J-Julian... Please, just--"

The elf's fingers threaded just barely past the brunette's waistline, "Yes or no, Roland."

Come, break me down

He shook his head and said in a strangled voice, crackling with the weight of his need and thoughts, "I don't know! I just...I want it, but I don't know if it's such a good--"

Bury me, bury me

"That doesn't make a difference. I'm not listenin' to your politician's answers here. It's either a yes or a no. Which one is it gonna be, Roland?"

I am finished with you

"Can't you just--"

"Answer the question."

"I just need time to--"

"No, Roland."

Roland slumped against the wall, hands holding him steady as they slowly made their way to just below his navel. It was terribly unfair to be put in such a predicament, having to make, what he considered, a fairly big decision when he could hardly hold his thoughts by a thread. He felt the tremors chase his every nerve, synapses crackling with heated awareness. His cheeks burned fiercely and he felt the sweat bead on his forehead. There was no doubt about what his body wanted him to do. He knew what he wanted to ask for and inside he relished the mere thought of it. And the possibilities were only one word away.

"Roland?"

Look in my eyes

Jules' voice reached the other man's ears in a faint whisper and he gulped down the lump in his throat, "I'm thinking."

You're killing me, killing me

He felt the elf's hands grip the fabric of his pants tightly as he leaned in again, feeling the phantom touch of his lips as he whispered, "It's a simple question, Rols. Yes or no. You don't have to think about it. Just say it."

All I wanted was you

Julian could see it in the man's eyes as they traced the features of his face. He smirked against his lips, seeing the desire beneath all of the uncertainty and hearing the need under the stammer of his voice. All he needed was one word, "Say it, Roland."

It was all just too much. The tension wrapped around his body, pulsing with molten lust and his head swam in a sea of wanton thoughts, none of which he could assess clearly. His lip wriggled and his answer leaped from his lips like a black cat springing for the kill.

"No."

He blinked, his shivering beginning to calm as his breath began to even. He looked down at Julian's dumbfounded face and struggled to explain, but all that would come out was, "I'm sorry... I just can't."

I tried to be someone else

Jules pulled his hands away quickly and stepped back cautiously, eying Roland with uncertainty. He felt as if he were an animal, cornered under a predator's stare. But, why? The other was just leaning against the wall, looking just as frightened and confused as he felt.

But, nothing seems to change

Julian's jaw clenched, a huff of air passing his lips in a skeptical chuckle, "You so sure about that?"

I know now, this is who I really am inside

Roland watched the elf, residual effects from their brief encounter still tugging at his will. He gulped back the thickness in his throat and nodded, "I'm sure. I just...I can't do that to you, or me."

Finally found myself

He'd had enough. Jules' voice rose dangerously, still holding to a whisper to keep the cyborg in the other room from waking, "Then, why not? What the hell would make you pass up an offer like that?"

Fighting for a chance

No one else would have, Julian was certain of it. No one else ever had before. So, why was Roland any different? He couldn't be.

I know now, this is who I really am

Roland straightened his back, seeming to regain a bit of his wit and dignity, "Because, I..." He sighed, "Look, Julian. I'm not an elf. I wish I was, but I'm not."

He hung his head and continued, "I wish I was, because...I don't get to have hundreds of years for life to get boring before I decide to settle down. I don't get to have that, Julian. I'm getting old and in a few years I'll be forty. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm sorry."

Julian blinked, "What the hell does that gotta do with me? It's just one night!"

Come, break me down

The man sighed and nodded, a pained look befalling him, "I know and that's exactly why. One night is not enough for me, so I'd rather skip it and just have nothing instead of teasing myself with what life could be like if I had someone to share it with knowing that in the morning it would all be over."

The elf scoffed, shaking his head in utter disbelief of what he was hearing, "You're...you're unbeli-- you're just..."

Bury me, bury me

His dark hair swished as his head shook back and forth in frustration, eyes falling to the ground, "I don't...understand you."

I am finished with you

Roland sighed and shook his head, a frown tugging his lip, "I don't expect you to. I don't understand myself sometimes. I'm sorry, Julian."

Look in my eyes

Julian looked back up at Roland, a glint of anger flashing over his eyes, "Don't apologize for being better than ninty fucking percent of the people out there."

You're killing me, killing me

He clamped his mouth shut and his back straightened, shocked at his own words as they tumbled from his lips.

All I wanted was you

He turned to leave and Roland stepped forward, whispering urgently, "You're still leaving? Julian, please! I--"

The elf jerked his shoulder away from the advancing hand, waving off the man's concern, "I'm gonna go to bed, a'right? It's...been a long day."

Come, break me down (bury me, bury me)

Julian pushed his way unceremoniously through the guest bedroom door, his eyes darting through a realm of thought unseen by all but himself. He seemed to be searching for something.

Break me down (bury me, bury me)

Shutting the door, his fists clenched as his jaw set firmly. He shook his head, leaning against the door frame and staring hard at the opposite wall, "Damn it..."

Break me down (bury me, bury me)

He felt himself sliding down until he sat on the floor, his heart churning in his chest. He was terrified. It would have been so easy to convince himself that he should go, if he could be sure that these people only wanted him for what he suspected. But, now...

Now, he wasn't sure he could leave even if he still felt it better that he did. He never could trust anyone, but why were things different now?

Roland was a good liar when he needed to be. He'd have to have been damn good to do so under so much tension. Could he have been that good at it? Was that even possible?

You say you wanted more
What if I wanted to break...?

Then, the question was why? what good would it be for the technomancer to stay when he was only going to endanger them?

He shook his head as his fingers wove into his dark locks, pressing into his scalp. Why didn't Roland just break him like all the others had? Then, he could have felt safer leaving.

What are you waiting for
Bury me, bury me

But, he knew. Inside, the elf knew that he had been broken more completely than any other had. He was expecting a different answer and had prepared himself for it. He had dealt with that same answer before so many times that he was sick of it. He knew how to deal with 'yes.'

It was 'no' that he was so uncertain about. What was he suppose to do now? Stay?

I'm not running from you

What if he couldn't? What if he was found again? What if the worst should happen to Gamma and Roland because of it? What if he actually cared?

What if I
What if I
What if I
What if I

Bury me, bury me


*******


Roland watch the elf push open the door of the guest bedroom, words struggling to work their way up from his lungs only to well and claw at his teeth. Once the door was shut and he was alone, he sighed in relief as the tension steadily left him.

He remained leaning against the wall for some time before he found the will to push away from it, ambling along the hall and back to the living room.

He sank down into the large chair next to the sofa, cringing as the leather creaked under his movement. He stared fixedly at the wall, eyes searching for something. Some reason for what had just happened.

Gamma's lush voice riddled with the effects of exhaustion rose to meet his ears, "I swear, you two could start your own soap opera. It would be the most watched show on day time television."

She chuckled, but soon ceased as her eyes drifted to look at Roland's face. Every year that time had brought him seemed all too evident. He looked tired, worn through, and far from amused at what had happened. He and Julian would joke a lot about each other, flirt here and there mostly just to bother Gamma. But, this time he did not carry the same undertone of jest.

He looked distant and drenched with an exhaustion that sleep simply would not cure.

She looked away in a moment of thought on this, reflecting on what little of the encounter she had overheard. Then, she settled back into the cushions of the couch, "Get some sleep, Roland."

The man nodded and sat back into the chair. He sighed quietly through his nose, tired eyes upon the wall, "Good night, Gamma."


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Been on a bit of an absence from a lot of my writing for other things. A new job that takes up most of the week is mostly to blame, but it's a job I love.

Anyway, this is based on a Shadowrun table top game that I am part of and two of the characters I just can't seem to shake out of my head. So, I'm writing this as a muse of sorts and posting the bits I write in chapters.

Also, please note if this confused anyone, Julian almost constantly hears music in his head. He took a BTL chip and it fried. Ever since he can't stop hearing various songs and what not. Sometimes this gets overwhelming. The more lyrics present, the more overwhelming it is for him. Or, that's the idea.

The songs in the above text are::

Naked by Assemblage 23
The Kill by 30 Seconds to Mars


I hope you all enjoy it :3