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rate_review Reviews

for The Boss the Beginning

by FantasyWriter1

person ZeoUnit
schedule July 12, 2016 at 12:00 AM

The chapter itself was ok. I like that this chapter is continuation of previous chapter and continue to develop the plot. I also really like how you did all the small hints about what is happening to that samedi girl that was in the "rival gang" and to what she was reduced to at this point of the story. We didn't directly seen what are Alisa views, regarding samedi status but if taken from the hints that are given they dont sound so good. That girl will need to work hard if she wants to survive. 

On that note, hope you will continue to develop this subplot and not just make it just passing comment in the current chapter and then forgot about it.

The new character mention in this story looks that could be interesting but we will wait and see how she will turn up. I like that it was Jessica that pointed to the new character. It could potentially make  some interesting moments in interaction between them. Her move was one from despair, attempt to  shift focus of her to try to save herself after she realise her mistake.  How will that turn out we shall see. Maybe  Johnny could save her ass later on to not get mindbreak completely. We shall see.

All in all the chapter was ok. We didnt got many plot progression but we got a lot of hints of current situations of the characters and we are still introduced new ones. A lot of times to flesh out the plot and add more subplots on the way. Just dont forget to show and interact with characters that are currently there with your main ones, regardless how they are small. It would make your world feel more real. You mention that for example that in hideout you have chained up in the catacombs. She will need to eat and stuff so you could use something like that for interaction on more way then just to fuck her in to oblivion. Add some depth to that interaction between her and Alisa. For one maybe add her a name. You could make it like she is still Defiant and when reffered in some low way, maybe she meekly say her name in small timid way of defiance knowing that she might regret it very soon. Or something in those lines. It would give some nice feel to interaction. Plus it could be used to develop relationship in the course of the story. Would that be in to something deeper or more in the line of m&s considering how so far Alise action have been, i cant say, would be interesting, yes most likely. Like i said in my earlyer review. Depending how much Alisa group grow it could lead to "change of heart". If its in best interest for them.

Good luck with your next chapter. Hope it will be longer and with more stuff in it.

Sorry for the long review and bunch of stuff. Hope you dont mind.

person ZeoUnit
schedule June 21, 2016 at 12:00 AM
Well the story so far looks nice and I like all the action. Maybe you could connect your current chapters in one fluid story. For example, that Alisa statement about that samedi girl that she will not getting off that easy suggesting that she plans to keep her around as sort of trophy or pet for her amusement. It would be interesting to learn more about what happened to that girl or her info in general. You could add her as part of the story and as the story progress and she witness her "owner" gets more power she might start to "change her tune" and start doing things willing to try to stay in good grease of new growing power. Its just suggestion but it could be nice side plot while you do your chapters.
schedule April 17, 2016 at 12:00 AM
like this new chapter keep it up my friend. :D
schedule March 11, 2016 at 12:00 AM
I think the boss and Johnny should hook up
schedule March 7, 2016 at 12:00 AM
loving were this is going keep up the good work im LOVE this story.
schedule February 29, 2016 at 12:00 AM
ya i have an idea, like how about victor from saints row survived the assault on the saints and after 2 years of evaluating his priorities wants to join the saints. (I dont know its just my idea you dont have to put it in if you dont want to).
schedule February 27, 2016 at 12:00 AM
i am loving this story so far even though its only one chapter i still loved it keep it up.