rate_review Reviews

One hell of a story you have there. Good plot and nice reactions from every characters.
It looks like that Ermac is losing it self with difrent charaters and it awesome how you switch between his personality and use diffrent skils depending who was at moment in control.
The interaction between family was so dead on center i just tought you would not play that awesome card this fast and that you would use it later on but it was fun to see them out of character because of it and see them how they were before. The introduction for Mileena was spot on and really liked how she is cokie to ermac even in her curret situation im just afraid that her aditude to his sincer offer end up really making her his daddy little girl aka his bitch play thing if she is not carefull and she is pushing it. One thing that was a let down was how Tanya got little in this chapter. Its not like she was just mention in first chapter she was practicly in center of it and all of a suden she is just gone. Thats just simply out of place for me i get that uou wanted to put more characters but you could at least give as some more informations of what she was doing or her toughts about what happend with ermac. What would she do with what happend maybe. Definitivly will keep a eye to see how would things go for her and it seem jade have her on plans in here as
well. But the prime interest is for sure Mileena and her cokie aditude. I get the feeling her moking teasing will come back to hurt her in the ass literally if he decide to take on her offer by been dady little girl. I can just see face of others if he did thay and show that to other. Thst would be put her in some spot of possible influence if she would play her cards right and use smart moves and not push his buttons to much. Any chance next chapter will be this long or longer always awesome to have more to read update the story as soon as you can.

In all honesty, I didn't expect to see so much of character development, and I like it a lot. Most in here don't go to that extend but so far you did fine job there. Action that happened in the past seems to have their reactions and outcomes in the future so I will keep close watch on this story since I really I'm interesting to see how, what and when the kings actions with Tanya would make more meaningful impact in the course of the story. Plot development seems very plausible and would made good twists on the story and how would things gone on the royal family level.
Jade interest for the king felt like a big stretch with explanation you provided how they all meet. I could see her care about the king on more daughter level maybe that would change in time but at this point I think if you do it to fast it would only be for sake to have another sex scene and to be with Jade. You already have Tanya and Mileena and possible queen that at this point have shown that she has some regrets so try to develop that while Jade and others keep developing to get to that level like others. You really have nice jewel in the rock sort to speak so I hope you will try to keep the level of story at this level and up. You have some dark thoughts in here in the kings mind and is done great to show as some of them. I like how you don't shelter to idea to go and show as even darker sides of the good king with little luck you will continue to show as both side of kings coin. Good luck with writing your next chapter mate.

Nice chapter. It was fun to see how he tries to get back with his wife and some of emotion badged they need to resolved.
The Takartans and new leader was nice touch. That shown that there are still connection between them. The fun and interesting part was what they were after and for what. We never learn why they wanted her back but I kinda don't think they wanted her back to lead them so there might be possible sub plot with new leader trying to eliminate Milenna by execution after they got her in order to solidify his power as leader. I think you could use something like that to jump kick the Milenna relationship with after we are introduced in this chapter. Maybe some of them break in and instead free her they tries to kill her but are ultimately stopped by Jerrod, maybe even Sheeva that reveal she only did it because of the strick order of the king, showing her that her options are starting to go thin.

Hope you will not stop with it and show more of royal familiy interactions. It would be interesting to see how would Kitana react if she learns in time about her mothers affairs. Granted her fathers affair would be shown also but considering what leaded before it, she might get two and two togather and it would make natural progression that her fathers affair was in core happened from "shock of betrayal"(it didn't, but still) leading to some possible nice twists on the long run.

The Jade part was done good, I think you should have maybe do it more subtile and by that I mean the part with her warning of Milenna and maybe calling him by his name. Sure it gives the feel that they know each other but I think it would have been far more better if she was always formal with him and shown him respect of the king and only by slip of the moment call him by his name or act diffrent if something happens to lead to that. It would give more impact if you decide to make them have relationship.
The interaction between Kitana and Jade so far was good and I like how you made them close and even to make teases like the one about him see her finally as a woman. It was pretty good so points there.

The Mileena part was started good and pretty much took the spot light (as far as the phase that is) and really as I said before could not start any other way. I like how you made them play mind games. Unfortunately for Mileena it seems she didn't take his offer seriously, probably since as far as her is knowledge goes(and everyone else) Ermac is king Jerrod and Jerrod alone. So her teasing and disrespect and some "offers" she suggested to him might in truth back fired at her and she might really become just that what she is suggesting what she offers. Considering what some of the other souls are thinking about her and her attitude to his kind offer.
I think she will need to think more harder about what had just Jerrod offer to her as her way out and after it seems what would happened with her if other souls get control of the body I think she would. The question is how would "negotiations" table be and what side would be more "desperate" to get "good deal" and how far would they go accomplish that. Would their pride get in the way or would they go "other" way in other to get what they need in current situation. Let's not get fool our self Miles a has some serious disadvantage but she do have one card besides helping him with rebels and Jerold himself give her that one. He said it himself she is like his daughter. But Milenna herself confirms that they are not from technical stand point. Now main question would be will she use it to apply to his morals or try to negotiate by trying to tick his dark side she got peak at once she give her a "look". If based on her personality she would probably go with dark one thinking it would be easy to manipulate. Not sure about that thou.

Either way good chapter hopefully you will continue to write the story. As for you comment about chapter been to long. My comment on it is no, no it isn't. You can make it much longer and it would not be a problem. When you have more to read in one single chapter it better and more fun with more stuff happening.
If you will think you chapter are to long may I suggest to go fan fiction and look in to work of author by the name "operation meteor". He do some nice long chapters. :)

Best wishes and good writing from ZeoUnit
PS: sorry for bad english

Pretty great story!

Enjoyable and hot read.

From a technical perspective significantly above average, which is always nice to see. Makes the reading much smoother.

I'm not terribly into the Mortal Kombat series, the only one of those games I actually played was the original on the SNES. But after watching the recommended Ermac ending on youtube and checking out pictures of the characters involved, the story world is easy to get into. The sex is hot, the build up to it is believable and the basically dominant good guy protagonist seen so far is an archetype I really enjoy. The fact that there is actual character development and inner conflict (of the not purely angst driven variety) going on is a very nice bonus.

I'll be looking foword to the second chapter. :-)

Nice one. Looks like Jerrod has problem with mass amount of "personality's". I can see with ease that what you written in here happening. With them trying to fight or work together for their goals or control.
The part with Sindel little betrayal was nice touch. It would be logical outcome. But she might get surprise how he might end up treating her considering that Jerrod in the end might really end up as Ermac. He as union of many many minds and some seems to not be as "Noble" as Jerrod and would be perfectly fine to do even some cruel things to get their way or to... shall we say " get their point across" maybe with nice little body part as a gift to Sindel that belong to someone that dare touch something that was not supposed to be touch. Later he could try to make peace with some "spoils of war"gifts to get on her good side. I don't think it would not work, considering even if it was justified in a seance with not been in contact with her let's be honest and face the fact, the only reason he was not in contact with her was because he did everything in his power to make them all safe( witch ironically is what Sindel demanded from her guards so a bit of clinical guilt would be nice to the spice things up) and bring their old home back while he himself is struggle to keep his own mind in control. it would be interesting if you would made it in someway that this facts are pointed out by her daughter Kitana considering she could give Sindel a argument that Sindel also didn't put effort it to it. At least Jerrod tries when he finds any single meaningless moment to get close,( at least base on what we seen so far) all Sindel did after they are back is to continue to cheat on him. BTW is it me or Sindel felt like she was on the shall we say on M side of plain in that bedroom scene.

Tanya moment was done great. I like how you did the fight and I like how she have seen possible moment to take advantage.The part at the end where she attack him while they doing was not to smart from her I think. She seen that she had a effect on him, she doesn't know why or what kind in seance that he is on limit on switching personality's but it did open possibilities for her that she might get on the road for throne, he is a ruler after all. If apply logic if she gets on his "good side" she might get access to thing and protection from certain things. Granted she can't be sure since she doesn't know about other in his head or if that little plan could back fire but it is one road that is open and it promice a lot of worth if taken a risk, plus she has knowledge how to try to save her hide if she gets cought she could try to play on his attraction for her. Either die as traitor or offer some kind of "service" or a deal. What her status would be in that case is not that clear but considering she tried to kill them(Ermac) their next encounter might not go that friendly as before, ending up with her beat in to submission as consequences of her past action with Jerrod. It would be interesting to see how would Sindel react to see that kind of huge difrence and display of dominance considering that scene in her bedroom.
If I would I had to pick one out for next part of the story it would have to be Mileena. Not sure how would you go with this one. If you as you said go with the mk9 version she is well in core more like a crazy animal if gone by description in the game. Mind of a blank slate, perfect for molding considering Jerrod beat her "father" so by default stronger then him she might resent Jerrod or even fear him, but still be extremely dangerous person Jerrod has in his possesion. Like cage animal that need to be train to properly behaves and kept on tight leash at her masters feet. I can't see her anywhere at start of the story relationship except in Jerrod "personal" dungeon. At least until things develop or he breaks her in. I don't see her any other way to keep her in the story if you don't want to keep her inside of dungeon in chains if she does not become come thing like a trophy for Ermac and that she in time get to attach to him in her childish mind in afraid to disappoint him or something in those lines(maybe try to help her out after she is put "under control" or something). It would also give some conflict with Kitana or she might try to reach out to her half sister and liberated her from Mileena's current position usind argument that she is made by her blood. On contrast made Mileena in her childish mind see Kitana trying to snatch her new Father by separating her from him and leading to some conflict. Maybe end up with two showing affection and comfort as Kitana start learning things about Mileena and her life beyond simple out right appearance, and idea of insane person.

You could also introduce Skarlet. I don't know why but I like her a lot it felt like she is just innocent conscript that was just born from blood of fallen warriors. I could see Jerrod finding her somewhere locked up by shao kahn when not needed and try to get her to be more then just mindless killer, after all his base on souls while she is base on their blood so it has some connection. It could also be good trump card for some good "deus ex machina" event to save Ermac from some hard places if stuck or for some plot twist with his family.

Jade appears as character that has some concerns for her king. Basing on that last part that she give info only to king(you could use this part of conversation that that personal info was that she found locked up conscript Scarlet and add her in the story) I get the feeling she is more loyal to Jarrod then Sindel. It could be speculated that she might know that Sindel is cheating on their king but can't say anything openly and risk her life with that statement. It sure would give her nice character development if it would be true that she acknowledge Jerrod effort to keep them safe on the account that se sacrifices his personal life for the sake of his realm. She could be more of a motherly or one sided love interest in your story. It sure would give some intriguing moment if she later learns of his personality problems and try to help him anyway she can't, body and mind. Sort of like his light of hope for acknowledgement with his wife at least for now not shown any understanding. It could bring some events with encounter with her and Sindel later in the story as they clash what both think other doesn't deserve with Tanya and rest plotting in the background. Maybe even make so that not all know of each others to certain point of time.

You could try to give some personality to some of more dominant souls that we hear. Maybe even some of them are from different realms. Considering that they are talking it would stand for a reasonable assumption that they could try to get to some agreement between them if given a chance. Maybe even made it so they could switch places but only in presence of trust worthy people or when alone with other (Jerrod included) commenting in background. You could make it at first that happened by accident or while He was render unconscious in battle. Would be cool that there is someone that is by far more powerfull and sadistic in fights but lack the will motivation to take over. Could lead to Jerrod get the title of merciless to the enemy's that treat his domain. Maybe at that time he give Aiden a sadistic hint about what he thought about him been his wife plaything( in a seance she is since they all are Ermac.. Like a high mind collective... A perfect warrior comprise of men and women of different skills, realms and times.)

Well either way sorry that a spawn this much, I'm pretty sure 99% would be just waste of space to you but I just wanted to try to help you a bit with some idea or two that I thought you could use. I know they are on amateur lever but if it helps you at least a little then it was worth it.
Well then best wishes and good writing from ZeoUnit
Ps: Sorry for the bad English...