rate_review Reviews

It's been awhile, I'm glad you decided to continue this story. I've been reading your other stories you've written but this is by far my favorite. I'm curious on how you're going to include the Dark Brotherhood into the story. Thanks for writing Samson

Now this is a nice chapter. Each protagonist got some development and some got more of their background story's.
We see some of the "villains" motivations and it sure gives more realistic view why some of them act as they do.
There are some clashes between characters and shown that they stand firm to what think it right, really nice way to solidified them as unique characters. Good job there.
I like how this chapter use some events to show that characters in the story are constantly developing and even maybe changeling overtime, hopefully you will keep this up in the future and maybe try to write individual story acts as you did for in core for the Bunny and her sister StraightArrow. Think of it as "side quest" or "loyalty missions" from mass effect.

The story now is starts to be really interesting with conflicting things with Bunny, her sister, the elder and Maximus.
Maybe some of the current elders were responsible for his parent death or maybe know who is. It would be one hell of a twistreveal somehow that all this years he was wrong on who kill them and maybe it was some kind of scream to raise more blame on Bunny's people. It would be perfect setup with their altitude as it is to make people more hostile to actively try to hunt and kill or something in those lines. It could also give you good setup to make a sequel for this one. I will admit, I would love to see more of this story(characters). Maybe make prequel for characters we known right until the point where they join the Max and this story starts. Sure we would know the end of it but all before that would be interesting to see.

Ether way the chapter it self is really well done, a lot of emotions and development. Hope to see more of it at this level of refinement. Good job there.

Best wishes and good writing from ZeoUnit
PC: sorry for the bad English

Very good development in this one. So many things happening in one chapter. Glad you expand on Bunny's sister background. Gives nice feel to it. Many issues push forward in this one. Wish you don't plan to finish it soon...

Woah some heavy review here. O.o
Been a while when I seen some of this caliber on this kind of story.
But the guy dose have a point. I read this story so far and the vibe is more of the plot driven story with a lot of mature content in it. The character are developed in certain way by some mature events. It will kinda break immersion of full story. Its fine with characters that are not involved so far i think but how would you implement it to fix nicely with others that I don't know.
The Arrow character don't strike me as main villain, more like a puppet that some higher in food chain use and force his ideal on her. Im sorry but i just dont see her like that. More like a brat thats angry that she lost her toy or anoyed that her sis got something she didnt.

There now one more heavy review on the list. And would love to see how will Anya end up. Update please.

Personally I like this chapter. The part with Sabrina was fine and in truth flesh out some interesting issues. The very notion that she loves him not likes him put some nice oportunitys. What will happened when all comes with similar conclusion. I mean Gabriella basicly killed the person for him. She maybe say it because they would be discovered but from the events so far its more going in the line of he will be in danger.

The story progress more and I'm perfectly fine if no sex for sometime. I don't have any problems with "vanilla" As you put it, but you already put some ground on how their all relationships work so going back to "vanilla" should be in mycopinion reintroduce with some new development you show in to this character. Max could have a bit of character development with the the revelation of changes in girls feeling. For now subtile I'd you want to make this nice arc for him to develop as character.

You will also need to take in consideration what happened so far and how would "vanilla" be seen by individual character(girl) as a sign. They did kinda "share" so far. If you add in the mix that you already have proclamation of love in the mix... Well let's say there would be a lot of people felt burn.
What I liked about this story that it felt as just that, a story with adult content. My advice is focus on the story and character development. How would they react to some things that happened and what would be after effect on them.

I will state I'm not here because of orgy or sex scene's in general. They are ok and does give point how you develop the character relationship but I'm more interested how will story it self progress.

You out straight arrow as main villain so far but she still doesn't give me that vibe. She is like more like a brat that's pissed off at her little sis that she left parent home to live on her own and tried to out weight her in any way.
Sure she is OK character but I'm still more in for idea that she should be with Bunny. The main villain if needed one from their tribe to be one should be ether their parents at worse or their leader that is piss off at Max for taking the next generation that should continue legacy. Its more convincing for leaders resentment and revenge is by backed up with Max been what he is.

Straight arrow is to young to have that kind of burning conviction as a character. Simply put she is to fresh of patch of clay that is still not moulted out and finished. The old people of tribe are moulded long time now. So it would be more realistic if you made someone else pulls straight arrow strings and put pressure on her to bring bunny back to the tribe. Straight is ideal person to be used for that. They are sisters so there will be emotinal effect on Bunny and she is skilled person that can truck her down
After events with Bunny and straight you could use that part to flesh out more of Bunny's character. True her sister approach was not that great but it would still put her in many things to think about. Maybe even put her in to conflict. For the first time in her life her tribe NEEDED her for something, she was needed to help them. Emotions are powerful weapons if played right. And Straight arrow even though it was not a plan I think put possible seed of conflicting feeling in her. Its nice opportunity to make more development for Bunny and even Max who trying to get some revenge for something that happened long time ago. Let's face it how many of same thing did Max in the course of things we fallow him he made exactly same thing to som other child or person in general. Bottom line is its just base of who's side of the coin you see same events.

Anya in last orgy show some interest true but felt uncomfortable with it. You could try to use that one to bring in "vanilla" part of the story but again careful how you do it or you will break the immersion of the story flow. Keep it in the bounds of realistic things and no I'm not talking about sex...
It will be interesting how will things go from here from her character development and her working with all of them, like it or not she is stuck with them. With Gabriella action it should have given Anya base idea why is good to try to gain their trust and IDont mean because Gabriella killed the guy out of blue it because she killed the guy to protect her, sure its more on line to protect the group(probably Max of all) but it establish important fact, and that is that they look out for each other and are willing to go a long way to ensure safety to each and everyone. They went with so much to her back Max and Unlike some gang of mercenary's that band to get gold this group sticks together and it really shows in the story. For crying out they have entire orgys...
So I think this few key things that Anya know and witness it would made her think about some things in general. Maybe try to get to know some better or something on those lines.

For the sex part I'm fine whatever you want as long as it not break the story flow and not be out of character and logo flow of story.

Sorry for the long runt you did say you wanted some of the opinions, I'm aware that most of my opinions are probably not what you meant by it but I just wanted to give you what I think about it and how I see it in general. Hope you don't get offended it was not my attention to do that

Ether way best wishes and good writing from ZeoUnit
PS: Sorry for the bad English...

I've been following for a while, haven't really reviewed before.

Considering I'm a vanilla fan, I'm surprised that I've followed this cruel Imperial for as long as I have. I've liked seeing the small changes to his character that you've subtly written in here and there, and personally I'm a fan of Max/Gabby. I have to wonder, though, is she the same Gabriella that was with the remnants of the Dark Brotherhood?

Next sex scenes I'd like to see would be a tender Max/Gabby one, or letting Max and Anya have a bit of alone time, perhaps both scenes in one chapter?

I'll admit I was kind of disappointed at the end of the second orgy chapter, though the bit with Gabriella at the end was kinda sweet.

I'm looking forward to what you come up with next.

Wow, I had no idea that all the girls in Skyrim are squirters.

Good new chapter but is it me or Anya got unscratched o.O ??
Feel bit sorry for bunny, got kinda feel that she is left out a bit T.T

A bit confused how do you plan to make her sister a active antagonist. Considering that Max is all bend to get revenge and all not sure how. I could see their parents as antagonist maybe but considering that Bunny already mention that everyone ignored her and in those line of thinking and her sister is pretty much a bully to her not sure they would exactly want revenge for her or something.
When I said before to put her with Max and everyone else I never meant that she doesn't make problems for the rest of them. The position is good to put all in some seriously danger situations (reveal positions, secrets, blow up cover) to give clues to her people. Her as antagonist don't see how you plan to pull it off. Send raids at them ?? :/
Not exactly that she can just come up to people and say bad things or turn them to be suspicions to them considering who she is.
Ou well will wait and see how you plan to implement it :D

Aw.. Poor Sabrina... Hope she will be OK. She didn't need to be punish for saving his life with that what she is accused for. xD
Gabriella's last part of the chapter was awesome that's all needed to said.
What you said about some of option where they could go I'm completely agreeing what previous reviewer mention about it. Alittle bit of research and you should be fine and no they were not as said by people before its more applying as to all of them. Not individuals... At least I think so.
I think dagger fall would be awesome thing since as far as I seen noone has done it or try to put effort in it.

First of good to see new chapter, its nice to see update keep coming up. A for your idea as straight arrow as real antagonist not used about that one. I could see their parents as one or maybe see her if you shown her past events after Bunny left if made that it affected her in a bad way by bunny not been there. But you already made it clear that she was more a bit like a bully and that they kinda ignored her in away and look down (bunny that is) so not sure how you plan to implement that in good logical way.
The part you said about bunny/straight pairing why you would not go for it its fine. Its your story and you have your vision NAD goal how you plan for story to progress. As far as me is concern I'm fine with your decision ether way.

The part you said about Daggerfall and Morrowind lands. I don't see much of a problem with them going there. Just because the lore say they never been there doesn't mean none of them were. It is refer in general as in large numbers. Daggerfall is amazing land, so is the Morrowind. That could give you plenty of opportunity for some crazy fun adventures. Just to give you a hint oblivion is around 16miles.... Dragonfall is over 65 miles of land to explore in the game...

If the the problem is your knowledge of the games them self's you could do a bit of reading/research as a writer. It should of be that hard to find it on the internet... Probably in great details knowing the community.... :)
My bet would be daggerfall because of simple size of things but if you not sure for now try morrowind or oblivion :)

The part about contacting people you could use Emails we post if want to give some kind of a reply I guess..

In anycease hope you manage to get some time to write new chapter again soon.
Best wishes and good writing from ZeoUnit