schedule
October 13, 2014 at 12:00 AM
Very enjoyable. I'll be frank, i was very convinced this was a dead story, I am very happy so me fears put to rest.
A bit of constructive criticism; there are some discrepencies between the chapters, primarily with character descriptions. It is bound to happen when the resting period between the chapters is so vast. Still though, it might be smart to reread your first chapter and compare some of the facts to the second chapter.
Nevertheless, I enjoyed it immensely, and I am looking forward to the next chapter.
Cheerio
A bit of constructive criticism; there are some discrepencies between the chapters, primarily with character descriptions. It is bound to happen when the resting period between the chapters is so vast. Still though, it might be smart to reread your first chapter and compare some of the facts to the second chapter.
Nevertheless, I enjoyed it immensely, and I am looking forward to the next chapter.
Cheerio
schedule
October 20, 2013 at 12:00 AM
An alright premise with room for expansion but there are a few areas you could improve in.
Firstly you could do with a proof reading, you have a few spelling mistakes and a few sentences where you've missed out words that leave the entire statement hanging. You could also probably do with some more breaks in it either as chapters or obvious breaks as the story itself goes on for a while.
Plot wise I think you could have done a few more chapters to build up the relationship between Lux and Leona before their first time and a bit more consistency with their thoughts and emotions sometimes they are slipping between one mental state to another with seconds.
Firstly you could do with a proof reading, you have a few spelling mistakes and a few sentences where you've missed out words that leave the entire statement hanging. You could also probably do with some more breaks in it either as chapters or obvious breaks as the story itself goes on for a while.
Plot wise I think you could have done a few more chapters to build up the relationship between Lux and Leona before their first time and a bit more consistency with their thoughts and emotions sometimes they are slipping between one mental state to another with seconds.