rate_review Reviews

While this story is very well written, you made some glaring errors regarding female virginity and anatomy:

First: a hymen isn't fleshy and you can't see it just by spreading the labia. It's placed inside the vagina.
Second: sex is never pleasant when freshly deflowered. It's quite uncomfortable feeling a man inside afterwards and it takes a few times of intercourse until the raw, sore sensation finally fades and it starts to feel "nice" at first. The real arousal when being penetrated also comes later.
Third: this story had needed a "first timer/deflowering" warning. I usually wouldn't touch them with a 10-foot pole 'cuz first timer-fics are usually just romanticized, unrealistic fantasies from virginal fanfic writers and how they want their "first" to happen. I'm very, very glad this story is different. Thanks. I'm relieved.
Fourth: never EVER be rough with a woman's genitals. Especially not the clitoris. It's the most sensitive organ and a lot more sensitive than a man's glans so: never bite, pull, pinch or exercise any other forms of rough treatment. Pressing a guys balls (hard) makes the reader cringe and so does semi-brutal treatment of a female's parts. Even if it isn't meant like that. The same goes for nipples, just sayin'. ;)

This is meant to be constructive critics. The story is good but the obvious errors regarding female anatomy or how to proceed after deflowering really ruins a bit.

Hey Lynna! First I'd like to thank you for your time, helpful criticisms and kind words. I've definitely been looking over the first chapter and will probably make some adjustments for the sake of realism(Ya, girls almost never enjoy their first time -.-). I do want to make a correction to one of your tips though. Hymen's are composed of flesh(they're skin) and they are not deep to the vagina(theyre considered 'external genitalia'). Here's two factual(not pornographic) links with pictures and information: http://www.healthystrokes.com/hymengallery.html and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hymen
I definitely understand why the lack of realism hurt your enjoyment of the story and I hope if I rewrite the first chapter you get a chance to see it. Thanks again. :D

Well chapter 2's plot does make sense as the money he owes will be something he would have to deal with somehow, plus him slowly getting out of his depression and pulling his life back together again. I do wonder if being next to Elizabeth for long periods of time would start to have him get flashes of his other life as a bleedover effect.

Although I guess Elizabeth can't just tear into a bank vault and get some quick cash as she would have to explain how she got the money. I also wonder how much of her past she will have to reveal (the fate that she's an alternate version of his daughter I don't think he could take so that would be left out) I also wonder if you'll make mention of the new DLC of them being in Rapture before the fall, given in that world it looked like they weren't related. Although will she use some tears to help out like for little things or will she use it for larger reasons?

Although one thing about the sex part, you had them on a chair and you didn't say he moved her to the table so when he was kissing his way down her stomach I was wondering how the hell that was possible while on a chair until later on you mentioned the table.

Urgh, please don't ruin this by making Elizabeth try to sleep booker's problems off, it's just boring.
Maybe make them be a crime fighting duo, and Elizabeth gets turned on every time booker is responsible or does someting booker-ish.
That'd be fun.

Thanks for keeping on! Looking forward for more.

Great story, the plot is developing nicely and you write these characters really well! Looking forward to more.

Very good story, really should continue this.

I am totally interested in a chapter two if your up to it!!!! This was great kinky and hot!!! Good job.

I really like and want to see more, how much of a age difference is there?

I saw something similar to this once but it didn't take place after the game, although I'm surprised she doesn't feel a little strange sleeping with some alternate of her own father but still I kind of would like to see more. Like what would happen if she stayed in his life like this, would he eventually pull himself out with her help? Plus I would like to see more of them as you promised more so I hope you follow through.