rate_review Reviews

I'm trying to find a way to convey this without insulting you personally, because I actually think you're a good writer. So I apologize in advanced.

I think you could have avoided all of your backlash for this story had just warned the readers that this was a NTR. (If you don't know what that is/means, I included a definition at the bottom of my review.)

It's a VERY love it or hate it genre that in and of itself usually invokes negative emotions. I've found it does it more so when it's just 'sprung up' on viewers or readers as it's done here.

Now, as far as NTRs go, sadly, this is one of the more 'poorly written' ones I've read. To be fair to you though, generally 98% of them are, so in a fashion, it's not technically all your fault. Let me explain: NTRs (especially the more badly done ones) operate on a heavy dose of suspension of disbelief. Good NTRs are meant to invoke sympathy to the male leads due to the female lead's discretion, but they also have the nature of making the females somewhat neutral or at least somewhat sympathetic. The action of the cheating themselves make you upset, not specifically the female lead and her personality.

Personality as a whole, on the cheater's part, is generally what makes or breaks a NTR. If the say, female lead is seemingly nice but finds themselves in a bad situation or finding she's enjoying herself but acknowledge her actions as wrong and even feels bad, you may still dislike them, but you tend to focus more on what is said to be the point of NTRs: the male lead's suffering at the hands of a situation he could resolve but won't because he's far too passive to do anything about it. Even break up with the cheating girlfriend and continue to let it happen. (See why NTRs sound so stupid/rather hard to enjoy to some?)

Then there are NTRs like Bunny, I Can! (Ai Can). To sum it up, the female protagonist is raped by her manager because he's got a beef with the male lead's father (he ruined him in the past). Even after her boyfriend CONSTANTLY ASKS HER WHAT'S WRONG, she refuses to tell him, to the point of actually getting upset with him (like he should just figure it out or he can read minds). Then she continues to allow the sex to continue with the manager until her boyfriend finds out and confronts the manager. Now, while she's (unknowingly to her boyfriend) giving said manager a blowjob, the boyfriend and manager talk. It ends with the boyfriend, who is an assistant helping her up and coming career, staying on even after he threatened to quit because he loves and cares for her too much to let a career that she's striving hard for and really wants. However, the manager lies and says he won't have sex anymore with her.

He's repaid by his female friend (in the office with him and there after her leaves) confronting the girlfriend and calling her out on her bullshit. The female lead's response is that the boyfriend doesn't really care about her because he didn't beat the guy up or quit (again, she overheard the conversation so she knows exactly WHY he didn't attempt to fight him or quit: it was because he didn't want her to get the backlash and ruin her career by association) and continues to have sex with the guy on his desk. To add insult to injury, the poor guy forgets his bag, comes back and thinking he sees her in there, calls her personal cell phone (he didn't want to believe it was her) and naturally it rings. She notes who it is, figures she's too busy enjoying sex with her 'used to be rapist' and says she'll call him back later, maybe. The boyfriend is destroyed, it ends.

See the issue? The female lead blames her problems on the male lead even though her own very actions could have resolved the issue (she could have quit, told the boyfriend immediately after the fact what happened instead of being upset that he couldn't 'figure it out' even though she was actively trying to hide it), it relies on the completely unreliable notion that a girl would continue a relationship with her RAPIST (which is common in hentai but still no less offensive), and when it finally comes out in the open and the guy does act in a ration notion at first, though passively lets it go for her benefit, she immediately faults him and tries to justify her actions. And it ends on that note so she never gets her karma.

It still technically accomplishes what NTRs does (making you feel bad for the male lead and his situation) but does it at the expense of the female lead. A situation that is believable (a girl possibly black mailed into a sexual relationship with her manager to maintain or getting a good career in entertainment) is completely contorted and ruined by the good ole rape = /consensual sex/love crap that is waaaay to common in hentai and the general likability of it's suppose female heroine/lead through her actions and personality.

(I'm speaking in terms as of the first three chapters as this was meant to be the complete story.)

THIS is why your story is hard to enjoy. The situation itself is passable and believable (a girl has to become a prostitute to sustain her family), but Malon makes it rather hard to enjoyably read due to her personality and actions. The very first problem is set immediately: she's acting as if she's a victim, like she HAS to do this but not ever avenue has been addressed, even the very basic one: JUST TELL LINK TO GET A JOB OR SOMETHING.

That already breaks suspension of disbelief and cements it as a bad NTR: at the very least, the set up of an NTR has the basics of why it's happening. Heck, even with BIC, you can argue she didn't want to speak about the rape because you know, rape and all (this gets flushed away by the cliche` storm that follows though) but here, she just wants to be a slut and tries to justify it completely. Then she has the self entitled audacity to try to paint herself as a victim. And she's the damn lead character. The problem comes for the way the story is written: it's like it WANT you to agree that she's the poor victim and the reader should feel sorry for her. It doesn't help that no one ever calls her out on her attitude or actions throughout the entire story, save the men calling and treating her like a whore.

And Link's reaction is just completely unrealistic, period.

I agree that violence didn't need to be the answer but there was NOTHING. And that's what was so bothersome: he essentially just spanked her nose and said "No! Bad dog! Don't eat the treat again!". Given the situation of a man purposely trying to seemingly provoke and invoke him and simply enjoying the situation WAY too much and Malon on top of it unapologetically enjoying the situation after a while and the sex...no.

And THIS is how he finds out about her other lifestyle to boot. No. Just HELL no.

It not only angers the reader but it makes the writing come off as completely stupid and far too in favor of the protagonist, who reaches villain levels after this incident. You have to remember: cheating is a real life issue that invokes some seriously negative responses. (Sorta the point of NTR.) Even the most passive person wouldn't simply sit there and watch something like that and then spank a nose. Hell, even in hentai, if a guy does that, he's been tied up, drugged, or just walked in on it right at the end.

At least, he should have left the scene and been hurt somewhere for a while. That's believable and still passive, even if it is anger inducing. More likely (I'm speaking of Western Culture here), someone would have gotten into a fight and Malon would have been very lucky if she had a home, let alone a relationship.

It's an NTR situation at it's very worst. And the ending is like a icing on the cake: we don't know if she'll continue or hopefully and rightfully, Link breaks up with her ass. You also have the added problem of this NTR being a fanfiction, so it can flat out anger Malon fans (she's a sweet singing country girl for goodness sakes) and Link fans alike, given even if his personality isn't set in stone, his actions and heroism is. So you can get a view of his personality through him and how he may react. And it isn't just sitting there watching his wife getting banged by a pompous asshole. They're arguably and completely out of character. Especially Malon. (You may have wanted to warn people of that as well, as some readers are fans of the favorite character acting OoC. I personally find enjoyment of seeing a story work while the characters are still very much themselves.)

I'm a fan of your writing because I think if this wasn't NTR worthy, it would have been great. You write sex scenes very well. But as a person that doesn't like OoC and poorly done NTRs, this one is just bad. Malon makes it hard to enjoy at all and by the third chapter, I personally wanted to hit her myself, just as a woman.

She's everything wrong with what you hate to see with a good guy and she invokes some very strong feminist emotions for all the wrong reasons. She takes all the fun, fantasy, and general enjoyment you find and have when reading sexualized fanfiction.

If that was the intention, you deserved a damn medal because great job, hon! If not...just warn readers next time of what they're in for. And maybe read up on and watch a few NTRs so the next won't have such a enjoyably story that invokes that response an NTR wants you to but for all the wrong reasons.

Good luck in the future and happy writing!

The Japanese word “netorare” means being cuckolded, having one’s lover taken by another. The concept is most prominent in Japanese adult PC games and manga, although there are also a number of erotic anime that revolve around the concept. In brief, the typically male protagonist is somehow inadequate. He may be a husband who’s away from home or a young man too shy to establish a strong, committed relationship with the girl he likes. When the woman or girl is drawn into a sexual relationship with another man – either willingly or by coercion or force – the protagonist becomes aware of the woman’s betrayal, or perceived betrayal, but meekly does little or nothing about it. The man suffers in silence while the woman he loves is ravished by another man. This particular sexual fetish is quite well known among otaku that are familiar with erotic manga, games, and anime. But it may not be as familiar to anime/manga fans that aren’t especially immersed in anime erotica.

Continue please? The story seems rather interesting enough to warrant my review here despite being very explicit. I hope to see the next chapter on your 'alternate' route. :)

so is this another ending that just leaves off or will there be another chapter?

First, let me start by apologizing, because I realize my critism was pretty harsh and a bit too passionate, if not outright bitchy. ^_^; That and I'm on a cell, so I apologize in advance for any grammic of spelling errors.

After reading you're note, I must admit, if that's the way you set to do the story, then great job because you nailed the unsympathetic part to a science with Malon and her decent into it. I suppose the issue was that no one ever really calls her out on it at all, and with the ending (which I didn't know it was) was left so vague and open that you really wanted a resolution or at least know what happened because there seemed to be so much more that needed to happen or be said. I guess for me personally, it was Malon that bothered me, or rather the fact that you wanted to see her get some kind of just reward, if for no other reason then Link's involvement.

As for Link, I actually can agree violence isn't the answer or even rational (though if he weren't being rational, I'd understand it given how he found out), but what was infurating was his lack of a, I suppose realistic maybe, response in any way. No real anger or frustration, or just glaring at her in disappointment or disgust and simple leaving for a while. It was like the cherry on the cake of an already disgusting and infirating scene. (Well written, as I said before, sex wise though. XD ). I think Link was the key factor of that chapter in general: you just want to hug him, take him for a drink, and find him someone else because no matter her excuses, what she did as a whole (and blaming him or letting that banker do so) for it...ugh. LMAO!

I respect that you see the last chapter as the true ending: it's your story and you're the author and by all means stand by it as it does set out yo accomplish what you meant to do (I do agree that more characterization might help in the future). But I would be wrong and again bitchy if I didn't say thanks for and alternate chapter for those of us that didn't like it, and for beinggraceful and generally, aaccepting as an author. You're a rare jewel as an author and open to all types of reviews and critisms, and I personally appreciate it.

Thanks for the read. Even if I disliked Malon in this (original version anyway), you got a passionate reaction from me which is rare and to me, a mark of an interesting story at least. And again, you write sex scenes wonderfully. ;p

@Maddi, I don't know if you'll actually see this because AFF doesn't allow for responding to reviews, but I wanted to thank you for your feedback, even though you didn't like the direction it took. I hope you still managed to enjoy it despite disagreeing on the characterization. I'm curious how you would have changed it if it was your story because I always appreciate other people's opinions.

I don't mind criticism, as long as it's articulate and intelligent, so your reviews gave me something to think about.

I wrote another Zelda story that I'm...well...still not done with and not entirely sure when I'll get around to finishing it, but it might interest you. Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing.

I'm sorry if my review came off as harsh. It was never my intent to discourage you, because you have talent and potential. I just typed what I truly thought. Yes, it's possible that Malon and Link will patch things up, and I get the feeling that's what you wanted at the end...but I just don't see it. I get that Link truly loves Malon. How could he not, given his reaction at the end of chapter 3? And I get that he could be willing to forgive her. That's not the problem. Even with all that, even though he forgives her because of his love for her, I don't see any way he can ever really trust her again. As I said in the last review, a few seconds' resolve is all he's worth to her, and he must have seen that from the way she enjoyed being fucked in front of him. She doesn't love him, and he would be blind not to realize this. That's why this seems so unrealistic to me.

And yes, it's a pain in the ass that AFF has no system for repying to reviews. -_-

Well, that review up there isn't fair, and sincerily, it's a bit disgusting how someone reviews your text and your story with so little regard for the time and effort you've put into doing it. Just because I usually let the stories finish to review them I hadn't posted anything before, but now I FEEL like I need to do this. Lets roll.

First of all I want to thank you for ever writting this. Not only you are a great writer, one of the best I've read, you are also bold enough to try some new stuff. People just don't go that far in their stories, and especially with Zelda it's usually pretty clear-cut bad and good, light and dark, those things, and really, I think your take is a breathe of fresh air. You wanted to try something and you did it, and if people are being disrespectful then it's their problem, really. I throghouly enjoyed the story and I was bummed to see the fourth chapter was a reply to your reviews, which are disgustingly bad reviews.

I am going to pass on writting on your writting style, which is great. Your sex scenes are perfect, you write characters thoughts and actions very well, to the point you feel like you are standing right besides Malon as she is doing those things. It's great, I really think you did an awesome job that needs praise, but I am terrible at it.

What I am going to talk about is what seems to be the hot topic of Malon's character. I think many people critize Malon without even trying to see from her point of view, or understanding the character. She is a weak-willed woman that has good intentions, but she is not the smartest person around. When she tries to help her husband (she could have easily shared the situation with him and expected Link to resolve it) she just fucks it up, and that is what the story is about. The title is Castle Town Whore not "Malon's Dark Days" or whatever. She spirals down a path that eventually changes her, and you know what? Maybe it changes Link. Who the hell ever said he would get violent over this? Link is one of the video-game heroes that lacks a personality the most. He is 'brave and heroic' but you don't know much about him aside from that. If his woman starts fucking another guy on his living room, yes he could get shocked, or maybe he love sthe woman. Maybe he loves Malon and he can't outright get all violent on her and Cato. Maybe is mulling over the fact that it's not fair to him that Hyrule is treating him this way, or maybe he is just watching his whole life crumbling down. Jesus Christ, at least -try- to interpret or understand the story before coming here, and -shit- all over the author and his choices.

So what it's not for you?

Man, I utterly loved this story, and even though I think it was very twisted, I enjoyed it. A lot. I am glad you did it, and I will read anything you write!

THANKS!

Dunno what the problem was, even I hated Link in this story - probably because you made him criminally apathetic and idiotic in the supporting of his family. If anything, that was the weak point of the story.

After that, Link's reconciliation was in character (idiotic) by comparison.

"We have no money", "It'll work itself out" doesn't really work when you do nothing to get more money -_-

I can understand yours reasons and it is true how the characters were presented in the story. Link could be upset or angry, but would not take it out on someone like her. However, I will continue with the assumption that one night his dark side will take over like in innumerable other stories and the bank will turn up short one executive. Or perhaps Epona ran up on him as he left the house and stomped his face in. I suppose my one criticism is the fact that Malon, a businesswoman that is well-known in the area, made no real effort to conceal who she was.

I have one more tidbit if you are still responding to reviews.
I might have missed it in the first chapter, but is this some alternate universe where Link is not a true hero that has earned considerable favor with the royal family? He was called a warrior once or twice, but does that just mean he is just a nice guy that knows how to use a sword? Is there some reason he could not have taken on some extra jobs to earn extra money? Malon's situation seems to be unjustified. Your piece is good as it is, but if you intend to edit or revise, I'd recommend putting some detail into the reason that whoring is her best option.
That, or she just forgot her husband could go out into the field and shoot shit with light arrows!