rate_review Reviews

this is awesome

I like the premise--as story involving the reader on the reader's birthday. I would, however, suggest that perhaps instead of using (Y/N) the dialogue could be written to avoid using names, as at least for me, it interrupted the flow of the story. Something I've noticed both as a reader and writer of fanfiction is that many readers are turned off to specific bands, foods, etc. Unless it is important for plot, it would probably work better (seeing as how this is a story where the reader is the character) to be vague about the music; if you are truly set on that music, than perhaps an author's note at the beginning, suggesting a song or artist would be best. As far as grammar goes, about half of the commas should be periods. Some could be argued as stylistic choice, but far too many can make a paragraph sound choppy and turn sentences into run-ons.
I must ask: was there a reason he tasted like bubblegum and strawberries? (I'm allergic to strawberries, I would have died lol)

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