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October 19, 2010 at 12:00 AM
I've read a lot of your little bits and pieces here in the KH section, Cy, and I must say, I enjoy your style. It's teasing, wihtout being too crude.
I will offer a couple of small pieces of feedback, things that made me notice words instead of story, for a moment:
The first is one particular point in Axel's dialogue here; you used a colloquial "that don't", and it made me notice, since I've never encountered him using impropper speech anywhere else that I can recall immediately.
The other thing that I took note of while reading was use of the word 'cock'... It felt just a shade cruder than the surrounding tone and atmosphere of the piece... We're through Namine's eyes, in this one... I wasn't convinced that she would think that word, in place of sothing else. (Though of course... coming out of Axel's mouth, it's entirely appropriate...) Yes, i know, there's nothing to really be done about it, per se, since no other word is really necessarily appropriate, **shrug** Just thought i'd mention since it was somethign that made me notice the words, through the story, as it were.
Elsewise a very nice piece, I enjoyed it, and nice work.
-Niara
I will offer a couple of small pieces of feedback, things that made me notice words instead of story, for a moment:
The first is one particular point in Axel's dialogue here; you used a colloquial "that don't", and it made me notice, since I've never encountered him using impropper speech anywhere else that I can recall immediately.
The other thing that I took note of while reading was use of the word 'cock'... It felt just a shade cruder than the surrounding tone and atmosphere of the piece... We're through Namine's eyes, in this one... I wasn't convinced that she would think that word, in place of sothing else. (Though of course... coming out of Axel's mouth, it's entirely appropriate...) Yes, i know, there's nothing to really be done about it, per se, since no other word is really necessarily appropriate, **shrug** Just thought i'd mention since it was somethign that made me notice the words, through the story, as it were.
Elsewise a very nice piece, I enjoyed it, and nice work.
-Niara