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June 29, 2013 at 12:00 AM
Um...okay, where to start. Please accept this as constructive critism. You REALLY need to work on your grammar and punctuation. Now I know few of us are english experts, but you owe it to yourself to invest in a beta, or at least a spell checker. More than anything, bad grammar and punctuation can, and usually does, kill a story. Second, next time you go to write a story, please, for the love of jeebus, DO NOT - I repeat - DO NOT put an Author's Note IN THE MIDDLE of a chapter! If you must put an Author's Note, do so at the end of a chapter, like so:
Fin chapter
****
*Insert Author's Note here*
Thirdly, and I know each person has their own style, you may want to make a sort of rough draft of a chapter, even if it's just the "bones" of one. This way, you can go over it and add the finer details, take out bits you don't like, etc. What usually helps me is to actually write out of order, and that way I'm able to write the most important parts while not worrying about the loose ends. I like to do that AFTER all the major points of a story are done.
I hope this helps.
Fin chapter
****
*Insert Author's Note here*
Thirdly, and I know each person has their own style, you may want to make a sort of rough draft of a chapter, even if it's just the "bones" of one. This way, you can go over it and add the finer details, take out bits you don't like, etc. What usually helps me is to actually write out of order, and that way I'm able to write the most important parts while not worrying about the loose ends. I like to do that AFTER all the major points of a story are done.
I hope this helps.
schedule
July 11, 2010 at 12:00 AM
I will be short and sweet with this...
YOu need to work on your grammer. that was the only true compliant. the next one being that you need to work on your storyflow. I found it hard to read at times becuase of the jumble of words that look like you just threw them in a belnder and poured them over your keyboard.
What i could read was very nice and well thought out.
YOu need to work on your grammer. that was the only true compliant. the next one being that you need to work on your storyflow. I found it hard to read at times becuase of the jumble of words that look like you just threw them in a belnder and poured them over your keyboard.
What i could read was very nice and well thought out.
schedule
October 16, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Are you done writing the story? Please say there is more to it.
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August 21, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Much better! Just buy ditching the script style the story has improved tremendously!. Also, the plot has me very interested. Totally different from where I was planning on taking my story, but that makes it more entertaining to read.
I like how you have Dayton an accent. That's a nice touch. May I steel it if/when I ever get my story off the ground?
I like your take on Ridely as well. He seems more noble than most versions of him that I've read. Of course, he is pirate, so will see just how noble he really is in time.
You've slowed the pace done in this chapter and described more details this time. Better. Keep working on that. It gets easier with practice, or so I'm told. Hasn't happened for me yet.
Looking forward to the next chapter!
I like how you have Dayton an accent. That's a nice touch. May I steel it if/when I ever get my story off the ground?
I like your take on Ridely as well. He seems more noble than most versions of him that I've read. Of course, he is pirate, so will see just how noble he really is in time.
You've slowed the pace done in this chapter and described more details this time. Better. Keep working on that. It gets easier with practice, or so I'm told. Hasn't happened for me yet.
Looking forward to the next chapter!
schedule
July 27, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Personally I thought the original was better, but this is ok too.
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July 24, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Are you going to write anymore chapters? I like where it's going so far.
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July 21, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Well, the say imitation is the highest form of flattery...
Believe it or not I have tried on several occasions over the course of the last year work on Metroid Rebirth. Something always comes up, or I'm hit with writers block or I get distracted by something shinny. While you really should have asked out of common fan-fic writer to fan-fci writer courtesy, I'm alright with writing your own version of my story. Consider this your 'permit and proceeded' letter (instead of a cease and desist letter -- little 'legal' humor)!
Now for the actual review:
I like the general direction your version is taking. Not the same as where I was going with it, but that just makes it more interesting. But I do have a few suggestions. First of all, slow down a bit. You're glossing over the details that are uniquely yours, relying too much on my stuff. For example: I have no idea what Patrica looks like. You haven't described her at all. Also, there are quite a few typos some small, some very noticeable. No one perfect; I must have read over the prolong of my version 12 times and their are probably still typos in it. Before you post try reading the chapter out loud. I find that it's easier to catch mistakes that way; the ear can pick up on what the eyes sometimes gloss over. Finally, it might be a good idea to use the rules of quotations for your dialogue instead of the script like format that you're using now. It will really help to tighten up the story and make it look more professional on screen to boot.
Anyway, these are just my thoughts. I'm looking forward to what you have in store for the new Metroid Queen!
Believe it or not I have tried on several occasions over the course of the last year work on Metroid Rebirth. Something always comes up, or I'm hit with writers block or I get distracted by something shinny. While you really should have asked out of common fan-fic writer to fan-fci writer courtesy, I'm alright with writing your own version of my story. Consider this your 'permit and proceeded' letter (instead of a cease and desist letter -- little 'legal' humor)!
Now for the actual review:
I like the general direction your version is taking. Not the same as where I was going with it, but that just makes it more interesting. But I do have a few suggestions. First of all, slow down a bit. You're glossing over the details that are uniquely yours, relying too much on my stuff. For example: I have no idea what Patrica looks like. You haven't described her at all. Also, there are quite a few typos some small, some very noticeable. No one perfect; I must have read over the prolong of my version 12 times and their are probably still typos in it. Before you post try reading the chapter out loud. I find that it's easier to catch mistakes that way; the ear can pick up on what the eyes sometimes gloss over. Finally, it might be a good idea to use the rules of quotations for your dialogue instead of the script like format that you're using now. It will really help to tighten up the story and make it look more professional on screen to boot.
Anyway, these are just my thoughts. I'm looking forward to what you have in store for the new Metroid Queen!
schedule
July 21, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Oops, forgot to add: I'm a woman. Just FYI. :)
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July 21, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Thanks for the heads up, I'm glad to have your approval and your right about things. This frist posting I thought of it as a rough draft and I plan not only to continue the story but I'm also redoing the frist two CH, the script format was just an a one shot thing and it failed. I'll change it up and us more of my stuff and not Y.C. anyway I glad you all enjoyed it and I hope I can give it great ending.
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July 20, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Cool so far. Is that Samus laying eggs herself?