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February 6, 2009 at 12:00 AM
After reader Engima's comments I must say I disagree with him/her. The 'scientific' approach works here because you need to establish certain things about Krogan mating and biology in a matter-of-fact way. It wouldn't make sense to do that and then in the next paragrah break out the cunt/dick/etc words. Personally I try to avoid the more dirtier words unless it is a sleazy or disgusting scene, so here it wouldn't make much sense.
Once again, I love this fic n_n
Once again, I love this fic n_n
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February 4, 2009 at 12:00 AM
The only thing I can think of to change, well, two things really, is if you're gonna get descriptive, get descriptive for BOTH. It seemed like everything was from Wrex's POV and then there was random snippets from hers, which kinda threw in a bit of confusion into the mix. Second thing; technical terms have no place in smut. :D Things like "cervix" and "womb" etc, are kind of superfluous detail; we know what sex technically involves, most of us are over the age of 18 and either have had sex or at least know the mechanics. The absolute mechanics are not needed, and honestly, they make the entire story seem too...stiff-lipped, too formal. If you're gonna write porn, write PORN, not a scientific description. XD And there's no need to be reserved in the detail, either. Words like "manhood" are to be used only to throw variety into the mix, not as a flagship word to describe a dick/cock/wang/schlong/shaft. Yeah that's right, I said it! And so can you.
My point is, if your story is going to have dirty content, then by all means, make it sound DIRTY! Don't be clean about it; nobody but prudes like "immaculate sex," and clearly, by the core that you're going for with this story [rough sex between two alien races], you aren't one who is trying to write it like that. Don't get me wrong, it's well written! VERY well-written, actually, I rather like it, but, at the same time, you need to spice it up a bit. It's like vanilla: tastes good, but it's kinda boring, too. You gotta give it some zest.
Might I recommend peppermint?
My point is, if your story is going to have dirty content, then by all means, make it sound DIRTY! Don't be clean about it; nobody but prudes like "immaculate sex," and clearly, by the core that you're going for with this story [rough sex between two alien races], you aren't one who is trying to write it like that. Don't get me wrong, it's well written! VERY well-written, actually, I rather like it, but, at the same time, you need to spice it up a bit. It's like vanilla: tastes good, but it's kinda boring, too. You gotta give it some zest.
Might I recommend peppermint?
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February 1, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Hmmm... well, as far as getting character right goes, you seemed to nail Wrex pretty much head-on. The method and pace you used fit perfectly, though I can't quite say why. It just works, y'know? No real complaints here, other than my nit-picky-ness wondering if you know about Krogan having four testicles... which is probably a yes, but still. Anyway, solid work!