rate_review Reviews

One last thing. (Sorry about this, I forgot to put it in last time). I'd think Chie'd be at least a bit surprised that Yosuke could suddenly use his Persona, wouldn't you? Just something that caught my eye.

The emotional angst and most everything else in regards to character development were positively spot-on in this chapter. Wonderful work on that, I could see most everything happening exactly as you described it, and Naoto's breakdown was very cute, not to mention realistic in the face of the possible death of a loved one.

However--I know, there's a however, sorry--if you ARE writing true to game canon as for Persona abilities and whatnot, no matter if he just recieved Izanagi-no-Okami again or if he received him at the maxed level he may have been when the Protagonist left Inaba, no person in their right mind would erase Victory Cry from his skills. Even when you get him first off, he calls himself the Original God, and even if I was to ignore your deifying of Izanami in the Real World, Izanagi-no-Okami's Victory Cry is meant to show his deity in the game itself, not to mention the Protagonist's Immortality in the face of Izanami-no-Okami's death move after he appears.

Even if Souji were to battle endless reinforcements and lose all of his spiritual power, the moment he got a rest, like say, his friends came to help him and they fended off the shadows like you've already written...his spiritual power, as well as his health for that matter, would instantly regenerate. Even if it regenerated over a short period of time would make sense, but for him to need a chewing soul? Honestly, I just don't understand that.

As well, it's gotten rather...confusing, that they can't use their persona abilities. You've given the explanation that it's because they've grown as people and aren't who they used to be, HOWEVER, that at its heart is the basis of the Persona itself! The prime example would be the evolution of their Persona's at MAX SL. It because they were able to face weaknesses within themselves, to grow as people and change who they were as they walk alone the path to who they'll become, that their Persona's change! If anything, five years later their Persona's would have evolved into an even stronger incarnation, they would never lose their ability. They ARE the Children of The New Potential after all.

And as for Teddie...he said he was going to protect his world, but it was greatly, almost undeniably told straight out that he would basically be doing what he had been in the game since he gained his human form. He would go back and forth, spending most of his time with the group back in Inaba. Just going on his dependency to not being alone, he wouldn't have been able to spend five whole years away from everyone.

I'm very much playing Devil's Advocate here, but in doing so I'm trying to help you. I'm merely pointing out things that have caught my eye and I hope to help you improve because of it, I'm in no way trying to tear you down.

You're a very impressive writer and I hope you keep it up. Your romance is enrapturing and I hope their relationship develops even more in the next chapter. Keep in mind my suggestions, eh?

Heh, glad to see you took my suggestion on the chewing soul, I read and read and I couldn't find it. Thank you for that, it feels really good to know my input is being taken seriously. It is meant to be helpful after all.

Not too many complaints this chapter. The restriction of 'fear' is one that can indeed hinder even the strongest heart, so I'll digress partially on that matter. That doesn't really explain the protagonist's loss though, because though he did take the time to relive the past so to say when he came back, it hadn't been something that had overly bothered him before. That, and I can't see the group falling apart as they apparently did. Compared to Persona 3, the team dynamic in Persona 4 was much looser and written more to the edge of stupid humor than serious all-around friendship--the protagonists and his SL's, yes, but I'm taking about the group as a whole--but even then, to lose touch altogether in a town as small as Inaba seems like anything but possible. That bugged me, I'll admit.

And as for the half-asleep explanation, couldn't it be said that everyone is like that? We all have masks, as they say, and we all feel restrictions in life that we have to overcome, but the whole deal with their Persona's is that they've recognized that weakness and realized the facade they use. Anyone had the power to fight against their shadows had they willed it, not with weapons, but with exactly what I mentioned: willpower. I think in some of the cases even it would have been easier for them to accept their shadows had they known no on was right there watching them. Most of the time the truth is a hard pill to swallow, but some people could have awakened naturally I'm guessing. We're all half-asleep in a sense, but they WERE supposed to be fully awakened already. Wouldn't their Persona have helped them even if they were tempted to regress? They ARE supposed to be the facade used to face life's hardships after all. I guess I'm just rambling now, it did make enough sense for me not to dwell on it too much, but I thought I'd voice my thoughts and see what you thought.

To be honest, Chie and Yosuke's relationship honestly pissed me off in the game (not in your story, in the game). They didn't argue like there was any tension there at all, they argued like they honestly and truly hated one another, and Chie's constant disregard of Yosuke in almost every sense, from using his money without a second thought to kicking him violently where no man should be kicked. I knew what the guide was referring to when it talked about Yosuke not being able to see what's right in front of him, but there was no relational tension of that kind to make me feel like they were truly meant to be together. That was part of the team dynamic I was talking about earlier, yet another thing much easier to grasp in Persona 3 than Persona 4. I'm glad to see you've been taking a more realistic and downright believable approach to their (possible) relationship.

Again, I hope I'm being helpful, at least in some way. Maybe just to give you things to think about even. I think I've got a pretty good grasp on what's holding Naoto back, but I'll eagerly await everyone ele's before you get to her. For some reason I get the feeling you're going to save her for last.

Excellent job on characterization once again and I'm way too impressed at the speed you're uploading these chapters. With work and everything else I'm lucky to get one out once a week, though I guess I also have a certain page minimum I hold myself to, LOL!

Keep up the great work and e-mail me if the desire hits you!

Still pretty intriguing. It's implied at P4's end that the remade-TV World is also Souji's World, so it makes sense that it would respond to his moment of desperation. It was a nice moment of friendship, too, with the gang getting back together to protect their leader from his own brave stupidity.

Characterization is strong as ever. Little touches like Chie's difficulty in high-stress situations and Naoto's voice raising when she's upset/flustered/alone with Souji(which is one of my favorite things about her, honestly). Naoto also displays more of her character growth and reconciliation of her nature here, she protects and then berates(though with less ferocity than protecting) Souji with the cold steel of a detective, then opens her heart to him as Naoto the woman in love. She's just so wonderfully expressive(for Naoto) without losing her character. It's nice to see the group approve of and actively encourage their relationship.

I wish I could be more helpful constructive-criticism-wise, but there's a point where I enjoy a fic too much to see any flaws in it. All I can really do is these little character studies which I tend to enjoy way, way too much.

Still great.

Ah, the much underused games section. Personally, for the amount of people I know of that have played the game and love fanfiction, I'm surprised you haven't gotten more hits. I'll admit, the Naoto SL is my favorite in the game and I'm currently playing through my second cycle waiting anxiously to be able to enter a serious relationship with her, something that isn't possible apparently in the first playthrough, which bites.

Very good idea and writing so far, though my only question/possible-complaint would be that why, when Naoto threatens/offers to go on the train with you at the end of the game, and on top of that she's a freelance detective with free use of her working area, would they not have seen each other very much over the duration of five whole years!? That doesn't seem very plausible to me, especially considering how tight they all were. Just my commenting, take no offense please.

Otherwise, very good so far. Since you've reintegrated Izanami back into the story--which is something I won't get into even though the group does vanquish her seemingly permanently in the true ending--I'm assuming the Protagonist's main Persona would be Izanagi-no-Okami then? I'm waiting impatiently for my opportunity to fuse him in my second playthrough, he looked sweet!

Anyways, I hope you keep writing this and I look forward to the next chapter!

Did it feel great to see another chapter so soon after I discovered this story. Once again, well done, and your writing is very impressive.

Again, only one complaint. In the Persona series', this one in particular where they actually went into some kind of detail with the deity references, why would Izanami be a goddess in the real world when she was in fact something born from the minds of humans, hence her connection to the myth? That's what I got out of the group's talk before the Izanami maze anyways. I thought the whole reason so many of the persona's were connected to myths and legends was because they were created by humans and thus likely to take their forms. The eternal aspect of her is something I would doubt then. Sorry for raining on your story with my cynicism once again, but it's just a thought. I like where you've taken the story though, don't doubt that.

Still...I thought Igor's role was that of the guide/helper in the Protagonist's journey. This new guy seems kinda...unneeded, to be blunt.

Oh well, keep up the good work, and wonderful descriptions. You're a talented writer!

Still enjoying this. Izanami and Souji have an interesting relationship, to be sure. She seems quite fond of him here, but unused to, well, having a friend. It's pretty fun to watch.

Glad you kept one of my favorite examples of Souji's stellar willpower: His Persona wakes ITSELF up. Izanagi's pretty much the only one in the entire series to do that. Interesting twist having the Persona power fade after the events in P4, too. It certainly explains why Teddie wasn't around in chapter 2. Also a nice touch to have his power reawaken in the real world. Souji's personal revelation and mysterious adviser were also enjoyable. It's nice to not have a cryptic and metaphor-filled mysterious being for once and instead have a kindly old man who just wants to help the kid out. I'd say you've succeeded in combining fluff with an intriguing story.

Still great stuff. You should consider putting these up on FFnet, as well. There's a dire lack of SoujixNaoto anywhere.

Still highly enjoyable. You've characterized an older Nanako pretty well, she's kind of on the border between kid and teenager here so your combination of her childish mannerisms and more matured speech(influenced somewhat by Souji's friends, obviously) works quite well. Kanji's main source of pain getting a happy resolution was nice, as well.

Everyone's in character here. The romantic undertones are mainly gone from Souji's relationship with Chie/Yukiko/Rise, but that makes perfect sense if his relationship with Naoto is public(or at least known to the group) and everyone's accepted it. Naoto, of course, takes the lead by being the same detective we all know and love, but with a few more feminine touches(perfume(even if just for Souji), longer hair, warmer speech, etc) that show how far she's come in accepting herself. It's rather sweet how they both carry the watches everywhere, too.

Interesting ending. I've always wanted to see Souji and Izanami talk on civil terms. It seems possible considering he literally blasted the blight out of her.

Good stuff.

But-but-but you can't cut off there. That's quite mean. The tarot reading was a nice touch, though. I honestly forgot all about that.

It's likely a good thing when the only complaint I really have about this is that I want to see more of it. There can never be enough P4 fluff, and you write it quite well.