schedule
August 29, 2008 at 12:00 AM
"'And the fact that not only am I considerably older than your usual game but would deep-freeze you if you so much as thought about it has nothing to do with it.'" <3
There are some parts where you switched from past tense to present tense. Here are the parts I caught:
"The deceased was a young woman; mid to late twenties -with long, soft, light brown hair still partially held back by a yellow ribbon. The body splayed in the unnatural way only corpses and the fatally wounded are -her skin is almost completely unmarred except for two wounds -one just below her collar bone and another across her Achilles tendon.
Such a pretty thing, plump breasts, well curved hips and proportioned waist. She's extremely fresh; been cleaned up and her clothes removed." (also, I think it's "Achilles")
"The girl is slick and warm -warmer than himself at least- and just right; if only he could have received her alive."
"With their pale skin, glassy eyes, and wounds they don't scream about till your ears bled- the lack of a pulse was sometimes a reasonable sacrifice." (Just the "don't," as it should be "didn't")
"Eventually her body cavity is practically empty save whatever bits of scrap tissue, bile and gore happened to escape the process or was intentionally left behind such as most of her reproductive system(for obvious reasons)." ... That is /hot./ Ahem.
"Having such a fresh girl is such a rare treat; one that he would soon lose if he didn't hurry; but Vexen didn't rush -there was plenty of time and dead flesh was always so easy to damage and so very often dry or their natural moistness was insufficient
A simple, unscented, water-based lubricant was among the various tools (many more of them with by far more unsavoury uses than this). Making liberal use of his fingers, he worked a dollop of the lubricant into the woman's vaginal cavity; stretching it as he proceeded.
Once satisfied with his work he removed the soiled gloves and replaced them with clean ones then climbed onto the bench."
Little choppy here. You may want to work on flow.
"It took a few minutes to straighten himself up and look like he hadn't just fornicated with a corpse (and heavily mutilated it in the process)." xD
The ending made me laugh. Silly Xigbar x3 (And silly Vexen, of course. Silly, silly Vexen.)
There are some parts where you switched from past tense to present tense. Here are the parts I caught:
"The deceased was a young woman; mid to late twenties -with long, soft, light brown hair still partially held back by a yellow ribbon. The body splayed in the unnatural way only corpses and the fatally wounded are -her skin is almost completely unmarred except for two wounds -one just below her collar bone and another across her Achilles tendon.
Such a pretty thing, plump breasts, well curved hips and proportioned waist. She's extremely fresh; been cleaned up and her clothes removed." (also, I think it's "Achilles")
"The girl is slick and warm -warmer than himself at least- and just right; if only he could have received her alive."
"With their pale skin, glassy eyes, and wounds they don't scream about till your ears bled- the lack of a pulse was sometimes a reasonable sacrifice." (Just the "don't," as it should be "didn't")
"Eventually her body cavity is practically empty save whatever bits of scrap tissue, bile and gore happened to escape the process or was intentionally left behind such as most of her reproductive system(for obvious reasons)." ... That is /hot./ Ahem.
"Having such a fresh girl is such a rare treat; one that he would soon lose if he didn't hurry; but Vexen didn't rush -there was plenty of time and dead flesh was always so easy to damage and so very often dry or their natural moistness was insufficient
A simple, unscented, water-based lubricant was among the various tools (many more of them with by far more unsavoury uses than this). Making liberal use of his fingers, he worked a dollop of the lubricant into the woman's vaginal cavity; stretching it as he proceeded.
Once satisfied with his work he removed the soiled gloves and replaced them with clean ones then climbed onto the bench."
Little choppy here. You may want to work on flow.
"It took a few minutes to straighten himself up and look like he hadn't just fornicated with a corpse (and heavily mutilated it in the process)." xD
The ending made me laugh. Silly Xigbar x3 (And silly Vexen, of course. Silly, silly Vexen.)
schedule
August 23, 2008 at 12:00 AM
UR DOING IT R- just kidding!
I'm no good at constructive criticism, but this was well written and entertaining. Necrophilia can sometimes just be dead boring, so it's great that you avoided that.
I'm no good at constructive criticism, but this was well written and entertaining. Necrophilia can sometimes just be dead boring, so it's great that you avoided that.