schedule
July 7, 2008 at 12:00 AM
This was a pretty decent sex scene. Unfortunately, it was a bit too plotless for my tastes, but whatever.
What would have improved things, in my opinion, would be to incorporate the 'very hot day' thing more. Right now, it's only a title a few lines at the beginning and after that the girls are essentially having sex in a vacuum (unless the few references to Rain's heat weren't metaphors for lust). Try... I dunno... making references to sunshine or sweating bodies, have them play with ice cubes, cold water or suntan lotion or something. Something that connects this otherwise freefloating sex scene to the heat wave.
Don't get me wrong, though, it is a good sex scene. It's just that the bits around really need some work.
What would have improved things, in my opinion, would be to incorporate the 'very hot day' thing more. Right now, it's only a title a few lines at the beginning and after that the girls are essentially having sex in a vacuum (unless the few references to Rain's heat weren't metaphors for lust). Try... I dunno... making references to sunshine or sweating bodies, have them play with ice cubes, cold water or suntan lotion or something. Something that connects this otherwise freefloating sex scene to the heat wave.
Don't get me wrong, though, it is a good sex scene. It's just that the bits around really need some work.