AFF Fiction Portal
person JustAGuy
schedule January 15, 2017 at 12:00 AM

Pretty decent, sexy time parts are written well. I really like the corruption bits, but I do wish some of them would last longer. But I think there's just some odd flaws here and there with the story. 

I suppose it is just fanfiction, but its a huge retcon to go from Mission the Spunky teenage Twi'Lek tinkerer to Mission/Ominisis the sex dominatrix/Sith Lord. Plus, I have a feeling that I think you didn't think of that idea until the Peragus part considering the first appearence of Mission in the story is more true to how her character is. The latter chapters also kind of make it unclear that some things are a flashback or not, it makes the story a little bit hard to follow. Kris/Darth Jouir's importance also dropped off in favor of Carmella/Darth Chienne, despite being the first Jedi corrupted by Revan. Espscially since apparently The Exile was brainwashed by Mission even before the events of Revan turning to the Dark Side. 

There's some spelling errors or missing words here and there, (proofreading is a thing), also randomly one nitpick is that I believe in chapter 7 you referred to Bastila/Troia as "Sith Queen" even though that's just the name of her ship, she's still subordinate to Revan who I guess is the "Empress" i'm guessing you just got confused and slipped up. Some of the dialogue is just too "Modern" for Star Wars, I suppose its hard to avoid it when it comes to Erotica but hear "Fuckin and Go to Hell, and Dyke" it's just too our world and kind of breaks the immersion of Star Wars, that sometimes I forget this is Star Wars. Besides spelling errors, some words are just written in 1337talk like "cuz" or such. 

Some more clothing descriptions would be nice, they were there in the early chapters which helped visualize the scene but later on they kind of disappeared. Plot is advancing kind of slowly as well, I suppose that's not the worst thing in an Adult Fanfic but its been 7 chapters and the "Resistance" has barely done much, the Sith did some corrupting but otherwise are just waiting for The Exile to make moves. More spotlight on Chienne, Louccia, and Jouir would be nice, Bastila is taking up a lot of Sith screen time. 

Also some of the plot is kind of just retelling KOTOR 2 (Peragus II prisoners, TSL restoration, Atris's hidden academy, Malachor Academy) I understand that there are twists on these events but it would be nice to see some fresh locations. 

But alas, my words may fell on deaf ears as this hasn't been updated in some time, but if you do ever come back maybe this will help imrpove a possible Chapter 8
 

schedule April 25, 2015 at 12:00 AM
im so sad this story is dead, it was great and only getting better with every chapter
person ZeoUnit
schedule December 29, 2014 at 12:00 AM
Epic story. To bad that there are no more updates.... Would be nice to see more of it. If author is still around would you consider continuing this story?
person Tokeria
schedule December 29, 2014 at 12:00 AM
Quick question.... Why dose it always end up that the good ones are always left unfinished...???
No seriously......
person Bemused Peanut
schedule February 22, 2014 at 12:00 AM
Even tho I discovered this story in 2014 and noticed last update was in 2011 I'm hoping u haven't forgotten bout it bullpens loving this story and the twists hope u hope u update at some point. :)
person mev186
schedule August 9, 2013 at 12:00 AM
This story is one of my favorites, even though it may never be continued, it is still highly recommended and always keeps me coming back. I hope it is finished one day.
person Anon
schedule June 5, 2012 at 12:00 AM
Y U NO UPDATE!?
person mev186
schedule March 24, 2012 at 12:00 AM
This is a great story, I hope you update it soon :)
schedule January 31, 2012 at 12:00 AM
an outstanding fic.
person a reviewer
schedule July 4, 2011 at 12:00 AM
woah, that was a damn good chapter and damn good twist a the end. hope you update soon