rate_review Reviews

Do you have the beginning of chapter 2 anywhere? Even though I know this is from 2006 I still want to see it. This is a very good story!

Great so far hope you continue.

Summer

Since you were so kind to provide that concrit for me, well, I HAVE to return the favor!

My first review? It was kind. When I said ‘well-written’, it was because I was too lazy to point out every 'technical' mistake I saw. Again, when someone provides CC and they write themselves, they should ideally be better than the recipient of said CC.

You are not.

I will also note your profile here briefly. You say: "I'm trying lots of different styles of writting in the fics I'll be posting so please be kind."

Well, isn't that interesting? Please be kind? Why? Especially to someone who can't practice what she preaches, and follows another author like a dog to almost every story she posts to what? Be a snot? And what the hell is Writting? I know this is fanfic, but damn, have some pride in what you write.

Let's start with the very first sentence:

>Metal grated on metal, clacking into place, immediately his elbow straightened, rugged fingers cupping the opposite fist.<

Semicolon between place and immediately. Learn to use them. Also, your brevity confuses and is too succinct.

[R] Metal grated on metal, clacking into place[;] immediately his elbow straightened, [his] rugged fingers cupping the opposite fist.[R]

Otherwise whose rugged fingers are we talking about? Barry’s? Saddler’s? The Purple People Eater? Don’t omit the 'his' all because you used it once. It’s okay to have continuity and it balances the sentence. I thought a Grammar Nazi would know this.

>The crack of weapon-fire reverberated off the narrow canyon, precious ammunition pelting the ruddy, labor-worn meat of the advancing villager.<

Adjective overload. You should know better.

>At last the man, little older than Leon himself, pitched backward into the murky water, his fingers clawed up to the sky as, “Lord Saddler,” hissed from his lungs and rattled out of his mouth in pitiful supplication.<

Let’s take a moment here and think about this. You berated me for MY run-on’s? Mine?

Semicolons or separate this into two sentences. Seriously, there is no reason for that convoluted mess.

[R] At last the man, little older than Leon himself, pitched backward into the murky water, his fingers clawed up to the sky; [“Lord Saddler,” hissed from his lungs and rattled out of his mouth in pitiful supplication. ] this would have to be tweaked to provide further details, but as it was a terrible sentence originally.

And pitiful supplication? Tone the adjectives and drama.

The first paragraph is fine I suppose for an intro, but when we still don’t have a clue where this is, where Leon is at, and who anyone else is. You rely too HEAVILY on the reader’s familiarization with RE4. Something you might want to work on.

>Leon was beginning to think this Lord Saddler might be the man so disturbingly pictured under purple cowl in portraiture hung in so many of the villagers’ homes. Swiping the sweat off his brow with the back of his wrist, the blonde agent slogged onward through the water, emerging gratefully onto the dry bank. His relief could not persist long, however, broken by the throaty call of one of the men.<

Where to begin? One: this is Leon’s POV yes? Leon wouldn’t think about his hair color, or eye color or how snazzy he looks...unless in front of a mirror and that’s technically a cheat. It’s frowned upon by most veteran writers and shows the sign of a novice. Most people unless very vain won’t think upon how they look at the moment. Learn this please. For someone as grammar/style savvy as you, I would expect you to know this.

Will beta this paragraph for coherency sake.

[R]Leon began to think this Lord Saddler was the man depicted in the many portraitures hung in the villagers homes [an apostrophe after the s in villagers is incorrect, that is used to indicate two people, or a pair. The rest was wordy]. The tone of the paintings made him uneasy. [which is pure telling, you should show in a sentence how they make him uneasy–or as you had it, ‘disturbingly pictured’ which makes me twitch every time I read it]. Swiping sweat off his brow with the back of his wrist, the agent [or 'Leon', or even 'he' since he’s the only one here] slogged onward through the water and emerged gratefully onto the dry bank. His relief would [would is proper foreshadowing] not persist long, however, as it was broken by the throaty call of one of the men. [R]

Oh dear, I made that last sentence passive! But in this case, sorry, it reads better. As you had it (obviously striving for active voice) trimmed for brevity, but instead it came across garbled.

>This time, there was no supplication to a fashion blind lord.<

WTF? One; fashion-blind, two; why is this sentence highlighted? What purpose does it serve but sound ridiculous?

>Fingering his ribs, he thought of the deadly way they wielded sickles.<

Formal here, and something you might think about not doing in non-formal writing. I’m slowly weeding these out in my own work as I’m recognizing better ways of phrasing. I say do the same.

>The calm lapping of water against lakeshore traveled on eerily quiet air after the clammer of the doors closing had settled into silence.<

You know, I can see why you thought Rare was well-written. It wasn’t...by far. There isn’t a day that goes by where I want to revise that story into something decent, but I have Ashes to deal with. This sentence above is like the ones I have in Rare: adjective overload and a useless adverb.

Consider LY words and adjectives like jewelry, the more you have, the gaudier you look. Trim them down and stop cheating with them; learn how to use stronger verbs and nouns. And if you MUST have all that detail, then break it up into smaller sentences.

This is the final one, but I’m not even halfway through the story. Seems to me you need to focus on your work instead of poking at mine. The characterization here is decent at first, then when you get into the sex, it’s completely OOC. Leon is not a bottom by his personality, Barry is more submissive–how else could Wesker have manipulated him? Learn your characters please and stop trying to force pairings with poor interpretation.

This is why we continue to bump heads on this. You have your own warped version, and I have mine. We won’t agree. Stop complaining about my variations.

And funny how you point out this is all just ‘fanfic’, yet, you have the gusto to leave a review that was not only snide, but condescending for no reason. Frankly (since I have not seen you review anyone else in our sections), this shows me you have problems with me, not my writing.

Why else consistently follow me around and spew irascible feedback? I’m not going to change my style like you do yours (by your profile’s admission) every other story, so give it up and move onto someone who has more patience to deal with a fanbrat who thinks her shit don’t stink.

~M

woah.... hadn't expected to like that piece... very sweet, and almost endearing, but yeah, i can get used to the barry/leon idea...

thanks...

I thought leon had blonde hair? u described him wit russet colored hair.
this was a strange pairing and its pwp, but, you didnt mention barrys family.

I personally don't consider Leon gay naturally...I think of him as flaming straight(without some 'incentive' to take a male lover.) but we are left to our own interpretations aren't we? This is well-written and flowed pretty good. Despite the odd pairing, (with Barry a little more dominate than I would think...considering Leon's personality.) the sex was well portrayed.

Next time if you review me and have an issue, please give reasons for your thoughts and crits.

hm so you used the concept of the water fish in the lake huh? It read like it with the barnacles and all.
Strange how they were all horny in that. Is there a reason?

Eeee. Wow. You're a fabulous writer. Please continue this. Like now.

(And now that finals are over, I have nothing but time to wait for it :).)

Wow, great job! You chose some really great, descriptive words and it adds alot to the story :) Hope to see more of this!

I wish Barry was uke. That would be KEWL!