rate_review Reviews

Good idea for a one-shot, Rebecca and Jill in a hotel. There didn't seem to be much of a plot, but then again, in such a story that's not entirely necessary. I like this pairing, I haven't seen much of it around... and I find Rebecca absolutely delicious, so that doesn't hurt. ;) As for your structure, you could stand to have more flow to your sentances. As it got going, they seemed to get a bit choppier... don't become one of those writers who jacks off as they write and therefore lose their ability as the story heats up, lol. And, one thing that really, really stuck out and made me go "erk" every time... "breast." Even when you really should have used the plural form, it was always "breast." That drove me nuts. Both of those ladies have 2 lovely breasts, don't give them only half-credit!! ;) I did like, however, Rebecca's "do you want to shower?" line. Very cute, very timid, very Rebecca. That really made it. (haven't read the second chapter yet, no time, will do soon.) At any rate, I like what you've got for the most part, and most of the mistakes are forgiveable. :) Keep writing!

<3 fae_rouge

that is mean to say your ending was cliche. It is fine to have the couple sleep after sex, lots of people write it like that.
Sometimes people like to wind down with a sleep ending. This story was not too bad though with a bit of repitition in some areas and some grammar errors although not too much. Keep writing fanfictions, we want to encourage you to keep writing.

I enjoyed this more than your Leon/Ashley thing. Could do with another chapter though; ending on the couple sleeping is just really cliche.