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November 15, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Interesting so far, not sure how alessa is not the 'other' Alessa, but I'm sure you'll tell us that later on.
Am curious where you're going with this, and hope that we'll see Valtiel again soon. Speaking of which, they would be interesting pairing, but I don't beleive you have any intention of getting those two together....heh.
Look forward to the next update.
Am curious where you're going with this, and hope that we'll see Valtiel again soon. Speaking of which, they would be interesting pairing, but I don't beleive you have any intention of getting those two together....heh.
Look forward to the next update.
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November 15, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Hmmmm, I like that nasty Alessa...she's a piece of work. And the red vomit...yum. I'm holding a baby python right now, and am typing with one finger...like you wanted to know that...but figured I would tell you anyway...lol.
Back to the story. That part where dark Alessa is chasing good Alessa was intense and nicely done. I like how you described the way dark alessa behaved and the creepy quality of her appearance. Nice metaphor as well. Anyway, I put the snake back so now I can type like a normal person. Are we going to see the cancer demons? I hated them things...ugh, all fat and gushy. Supposedly they smelled as well, but at least gamers didn't have to worry about that. I'm wondering how this is going ot end up, and the introduction of "so and so" (HIM) was a unexpected surprise. Just trying to predict where you will deviate from the game is fun to do in every chapter.
I thought for sure she would use the bleach to clean her hands, but then you used the health drink instead. I also will have those stupid things in my fic--and will even describe their taste. (which will be slightly unpleasant...) It's been a long while since I played SH3, so I forgot what half of those items Alessa finds are even for...lol.
Can't wait till the next update!
Back to the story. That part where dark Alessa is chasing good Alessa was intense and nicely done. I like how you described the way dark alessa behaved and the creepy quality of her appearance. Nice metaphor as well. Anyway, I put the snake back so now I can type like a normal person. Are we going to see the cancer demons? I hated them things...ugh, all fat and gushy. Supposedly they smelled as well, but at least gamers didn't have to worry about that. I'm wondering how this is going ot end up, and the introduction of "so and so" (HIM) was a unexpected surprise. Just trying to predict where you will deviate from the game is fun to do in every chapter.
I thought for sure she would use the bleach to clean her hands, but then you used the health drink instead. I also will have those stupid things in my fic--and will even describe their taste. (which will be slightly unpleasant...) It's been a long while since I played SH3, so I forgot what half of those items Alessa finds are even for...lol.
Can't wait till the next update!
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November 15, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Your new update is ok. I just read it and I have to give some constructive criticism:
“Adjacent to the apparently haunted restroom Alessa left behind was a room that, at least on the outside, was totally nondescript. Inside was no different.”
That sentence seems too wordy,but maybe you wanted it like that so its okay.
“Never had Alessa been so glad to see a common household item before and she eagerly snatched the flashlight from its deceptively obvious hiding place.”
Deceptively obvious hiding place? How can it be deceptive if it is obvious? There are more,but thought you should know of some of the things that give the reader a second look.
Small example from your story - “And then, and suddenly as it appeared, the pain was gone.”
The use of “and” twice is not necessary.
Overall I enjoyed the way you put Alessas thoughts. Very well done on that part.
“Adjacent to the apparently haunted restroom Alessa left behind was a room that, at least on the outside, was totally nondescript. Inside was no different.”
That sentence seems too wordy,but maybe you wanted it like that so its okay.
“Never had Alessa been so glad to see a common household item before and she eagerly snatched the flashlight from its deceptively obvious hiding place.”
Deceptively obvious hiding place? How can it be deceptive if it is obvious? There are more,but thought you should know of some of the things that give the reader a second look.
Small example from your story - “And then, and suddenly as it appeared, the pain was gone.”
The use of “and” twice is not necessary.
Overall I enjoyed the way you put Alessas thoughts. Very well done on that part.
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November 15, 2006 at 12:00 AM
the reason for the first sentence I said being too wordy was that you mentioned the room this way:
"Adjacent to the apparently haunted restroom Alessa left behind was a room that, at least on the outside, was totally nondescript. Inside was no different.”
It is better this way: "Adjacent to the apparently haunted restroom Alessa left behind, (put comma) was a totally nondescript room from the outside."
See what I mean?
"Adjacent to the apparently haunted restroom Alessa left behind was a room that, at least on the outside, was totally nondescript. Inside was no different.”
It is better this way: "Adjacent to the apparently haunted restroom Alessa left behind, (put comma) was a totally nondescript room from the outside."
See what I mean?
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November 15, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I would like to go over the rest of your stuff and tell you what you need to fix. There is a reason why you do not get as many reviews as some people. With these small changes you will become to be a better writer in the near future. Only a good reviewer will point them out to you as good writing is crucial.
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November 15, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Okay, in response to the anon...and it irks me when people want to give constructive crits and don't leave their name.
Anyway, I think the author would appreciate it more, if critiques such as what you left were emailed privately--not displayed for all to see. Let the author correct things on his own without screaming (in prose form anyway) to eveyone else what is wrong with certain areas. A little correction is fine along with the positive, but what you did was more suited for a private discussion.
I know I try to convey this to my own readers--don't use my review board as a list for things wrong with my story--email those observations in private. Anyway, something to consider next time.
Anyway, I think the author would appreciate it more, if critiques such as what you left were emailed privately--not displayed for all to see. Let the author correct things on his own without screaming (in prose form anyway) to eveyone else what is wrong with certain areas. A little correction is fine along with the positive, but what you did was more suited for a private discussion.
I know I try to convey this to my own readers--don't use my review board as a list for things wrong with my story--email those observations in private. Anyway, something to consider next time.
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November 15, 2006 at 12:00 AM
to the reviewer above. Maybe you should help beta this story? Was just helping out by the way,because the writer needs help so she can get more reviews in the future from others.
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November 15, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I am reviewing your other chapters now. I actually rated your story up since it was a 4 star earlier.
If you need to send me email or if you need a beta, let me know. I have left my email.
If you need to send me email or if you need a beta, let me know. I have left my email.
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November 15, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I would if he wanted actually. He and I are new aqauintences as of late, and have bounced ideas back and forth over our repective stories. However, I have my plate full with three authors on this board that I beta for--plus Blood Ties (my own fic) So, it would be a little tight fitting to add him (IF however, he even wanted me to beta.)
I edit my own work, and it took me a long while to 'grow' so-to-speak and realize on MY OWN that I needed work on the unecessary words and adjecitves. It did not matter how many reviewers screamed at me, ranted etc. It only made me defensive; until one day it finally clicked in my wee brain what I had issues with. Chances are, Pyramid realized what his weaknesses are, and is currently working on them. I still have issues myself, no one is perfect (seeing how none of us are published.) I realize that you mean well, and probably don't have access to his email (since it's hidden to all who are not logged in) so, I would wait until he contacts you before you leave anymore problems on his review board.
I feel bad clogging it up with this discussion, since there are many fics here that leave MUCH to be desired in terms of plot and just general prose style. I won't name them...but they speak for themselves.
I do want to point out the review issue. The main reason why I got the reviews I did, was because I all but planted a neon sign--lights blinking garishly and with monolithic arrow pointing to my story. Plus, I have some Resident Evil 'groupies' that come and read anything I write.
When I first posted here--hardly anyone reviewed. This is a slow traffic category, and even lazier readers...this is a problem stemming from lack of courtesty and respect for the authors (who work damn hard in providing entertainment for you folks)--a problem that affects the site as a whole. I don't believe the problems you mentioned had anything to do with his reviews... there are worse stories here with more reviews than he, and a crapload more grammar, typos...etc. Yet, I understand you only want to help, and therefore, I will say no more on the subject.
Anyway, apologies to you pyramid for ranting on your review board, but hey look at it this way, your count went up double within the last day...*laughs weakly* Ahem....leaving now.
I edit my own work, and it took me a long while to 'grow' so-to-speak and realize on MY OWN that I needed work on the unecessary words and adjecitves. It did not matter how many reviewers screamed at me, ranted etc. It only made me defensive; until one day it finally clicked in my wee brain what I had issues with. Chances are, Pyramid realized what his weaknesses are, and is currently working on them. I still have issues myself, no one is perfect (seeing how none of us are published.) I realize that you mean well, and probably don't have access to his email (since it's hidden to all who are not logged in) so, I would wait until he contacts you before you leave anymore problems on his review board.
I feel bad clogging it up with this discussion, since there are many fics here that leave MUCH to be desired in terms of plot and just general prose style. I won't name them...but they speak for themselves.
I do want to point out the review issue. The main reason why I got the reviews I did, was because I all but planted a neon sign--lights blinking garishly and with monolithic arrow pointing to my story. Plus, I have some Resident Evil 'groupies' that come and read anything I write.
When I first posted here--hardly anyone reviewed. This is a slow traffic category, and even lazier readers...this is a problem stemming from lack of courtesty and respect for the authors (who work damn hard in providing entertainment for you folks)--a problem that affects the site as a whole. I don't believe the problems you mentioned had anything to do with his reviews... there are worse stories here with more reviews than he, and a crapload more grammar, typos...etc. Yet, I understand you only want to help, and therefore, I will say no more on the subject.
Anyway, apologies to you pyramid for ranting on your review board, but hey look at it this way, your count went up double within the last day...*laughs weakly* Ahem....leaving now.
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November 13, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Sorry it's taken a while to review. Good chapter, plenty going on anyway. I like Alessa's mad dashes not to be eaten or chewed on...LOL. I like the fact this story brings back memories of SH3...a game I haven't played in a long while. Oh, and when we see Valtiel...I was so happy I almost squee'ed...almost. (since I'm I far to proper to squee thank you.) LOL...
When Alessa found that bottle of bleach, and wondered what she could do with it, I wanted to tell her to maybe scrub some floors, throw it on the wall, maybe clean some toliets with it...*snort* Well, since she's in a world of decay--it could some cleaning damn it. Granted one bottle of bleach wouldn't get that far in SH...
I also like the necklace...don't remember that part so I think it's new? I am wondering what it's for and whom it belongs too. Curosity is peaked on that. Look forward to the next chapter.
When Alessa found that bottle of bleach, and wondered what she could do with it, I wanted to tell her to maybe scrub some floors, throw it on the wall, maybe clean some toliets with it...*snort* Well, since she's in a world of decay--it could some cleaning damn it. Granted one bottle of bleach wouldn't get that far in SH...
I also like the necklace...don't remember that part so I think it's new? I am wondering what it's for and whom it belongs too. Curosity is peaked on that. Look forward to the next chapter.