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October 5, 2006 at 12:00 AM
sorry that last review was for chapter 4 just to make it clear ^_^
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October 5, 2006 at 12:00 AM
OK, finally, I've got time to review this XD. Hehe, anyway, lets see. In a nutshell, this was good, really quite solid, with one or two minor bumps but none the less a nice quality chapter.
A couple of minor points was that first, while I lot was said in this chapter, not a lot actually, happened, you know? I mean the description was good, wonderful language and flow, but there was a huge portion of it crammed into parts where in fact little to nothing actually transpired, which is a good tactic in some kind of, you know, major event, but it did sort of, how can I say this? It was a bit much for the more mundane stuff, like if you pack every trivial action with so much detail it sort of loses it's meaning. It wasn't a big problem, but if you could shorten a sentence here or shave one off there, just tuck it in a little bit tighter, I think it would help the story flow much better :D.
The other thing, is the descriptions were sweet, but a select few of them were a bit, um, much, like one about Leon's dick, it sounded like some kind of mutant, I'm sure that's not what you were aiming for XD. Call a dick a dick, or call it a pumping, blood-filled shaft of masculinity, but if you put on too many layers of description, it sort of covers up the original meaning, you know?
All the same it was a very good chapter, and I myself am guilty of the slight imbalances that peeked up a few times here. This doesn't need any drastic changes, or any at all to be honest, but if you could just use a little less in the way of words to describe some things so the story has more pace and flow, and not over-describe things that don't warrant it, like a cock, I think it'll make for a helpful improvement.
That's my advice, trim a bit off the descriptions of events to help things flow better, and also off of things that they don't quite fit. But even without these tweaks I think it's a very good chapter, just trying to help it become a little step better ^^.
A couple of minor points was that first, while I lot was said in this chapter, not a lot actually, happened, you know? I mean the description was good, wonderful language and flow, but there was a huge portion of it crammed into parts where in fact little to nothing actually transpired, which is a good tactic in some kind of, you know, major event, but it did sort of, how can I say this? It was a bit much for the more mundane stuff, like if you pack every trivial action with so much detail it sort of loses it's meaning. It wasn't a big problem, but if you could shorten a sentence here or shave one off there, just tuck it in a little bit tighter, I think it would help the story flow much better :D.
The other thing, is the descriptions were sweet, but a select few of them were a bit, um, much, like one about Leon's dick, it sounded like some kind of mutant, I'm sure that's not what you were aiming for XD. Call a dick a dick, or call it a pumping, blood-filled shaft of masculinity, but if you put on too many layers of description, it sort of covers up the original meaning, you know?
All the same it was a very good chapter, and I myself am guilty of the slight imbalances that peeked up a few times here. This doesn't need any drastic changes, or any at all to be honest, but if you could just use a little less in the way of words to describe some things so the story has more pace and flow, and not over-describe things that don't warrant it, like a cock, I think it'll make for a helpful improvement.
That's my advice, trim a bit off the descriptions of events to help things flow better, and also off of things that they don't quite fit. But even without these tweaks I think it's a very good chapter, just trying to help it become a little step better ^^.
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October 5, 2006 at 12:00 AM
wow the descriptions in this story is whoa! was that your intention? :D
Because your other stories dont have this much; your other ones are perfect. But this set of series has alot of deep description. Dont get me wrong, its still good and still readable and flowing yet, I'm left wondering if you did this intentional?
Are you trying out a new style?
Because your other stories dont have this much; your other ones are perfect. But this set of series has alot of deep description. Dont get me wrong, its still good and still readable and flowing yet, I'm left wondering if you did this intentional?
Are you trying out a new style?
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October 5, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I need to leave a proper review for the rest of this story, girls. Let me just say this is an entertaining series and one that left me chuckling in some areas. Good descriptors, still flowed easily and every chapter was different and enjoyable.
To be nitpicky? I'll jump on the bandwagon since some people want to be nit pick. The parts with Pandora's story was very descriptive, flowing and well done, even with the overly flourishing descriptors. I am bias with the Leon and Ashley pairing so that's a plus. The usage of Leons dick was funny, and I noticed even in Crimson Belladonnas stories she used dick too to describe the males part. I think this shall go down in history, the word 'dick' in nc-17 stories. It's the mother of all male penises. Get your daily dose of dick. Poor girls, now you'll be forever super hypersenstized over the word dick and its use.
The part with Ada's clone was funny and I'm glad you girls are using it as it would explain the extremely out of character demeanour Ada projects. It's quite pathetic but as long as it's a clone, there should be a reason for its malfunction. Perhaps, if I may suggest, why the organization had not realized this slight error? Were they just focused on the Ada with her usual spy-skills? Perhaps that is the reason as they, the organization don't seem to care about human personalities. Clone Ada is quite the pathetic woman and its not a wonder Wesker is getting the mother of all headaches.
To be nitpicky? I'll jump on the bandwagon since some people want to be nit pick. The parts with Pandora's story was very descriptive, flowing and well done, even with the overly flourishing descriptors. I am bias with the Leon and Ashley pairing so that's a plus. The usage of Leons dick was funny, and I noticed even in Crimson Belladonnas stories she used dick too to describe the males part. I think this shall go down in history, the word 'dick' in nc-17 stories. It's the mother of all male penises. Get your daily dose of dick. Poor girls, now you'll be forever super hypersenstized over the word dick and its use.
The part with Ada's clone was funny and I'm glad you girls are using it as it would explain the extremely out of character demeanour Ada projects. It's quite pathetic but as long as it's a clone, there should be a reason for its malfunction. Perhaps, if I may suggest, why the organization had not realized this slight error? Were they just focused on the Ada with her usual spy-skills? Perhaps that is the reason as they, the organization don't seem to care about human personalities. Clone Ada is quite the pathetic woman and its not a wonder Wesker is getting the mother of all headaches.
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October 5, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Where to start...? O_O
"This is semi-serious story with some humour." -- Part of your summary...hmmm. I find that very hard to believe -- on so many levels. Where does the humour begin? Where does the seriousness begin? I don't see any of it. I see a cheaply written story that needs a major overhaul on just about everything.
Really, the POV switching from one paragraph to another is what gets to me the most. It's mind boggling. Jesus, my head hurts. No author... NONE... who has enough competency in their brains knows that you stick to ONE POV throughout a chapter or section... then you switch to another if one so desires in the NEXT chapter or after a time break. I have never read a book (and I have many) where the writer will suddenly switch the POV's. I cannot begin to explain what a major pet peeve this is of mine, when I'm trying to read a story and it suddenly switches. It ruins the effect and the smoothness of the story. Very poor writing right there and in desperate need of a beta... one who knows what the hell they are talking about when it comes to editing. You might want to check into that, dearie.
The weak dialogue, I can understand since you were intending to make it so lame. That I can overlook...I think. *eye twitch*
All in all... this story is poorly written. Pathetic even. I seriously regret clicking on this as now my eyes are bleeding. Excuse me while I go bang my head against a wall and put myself out of my misery.
"This is semi-serious story with some humour." -- Part of your summary...hmmm. I find that very hard to believe -- on so many levels. Where does the humour begin? Where does the seriousness begin? I don't see any of it. I see a cheaply written story that needs a major overhaul on just about everything.
Really, the POV switching from one paragraph to another is what gets to me the most. It's mind boggling. Jesus, my head hurts. No author... NONE... who has enough competency in their brains knows that you stick to ONE POV throughout a chapter or section... then you switch to another if one so desires in the NEXT chapter or after a time break. I have never read a book (and I have many) where the writer will suddenly switch the POV's. I cannot begin to explain what a major pet peeve this is of mine, when I'm trying to read a story and it suddenly switches. It ruins the effect and the smoothness of the story. Very poor writing right there and in desperate need of a beta... one who knows what the hell they are talking about when it comes to editing. You might want to check into that, dearie.
The weak dialogue, I can understand since you were intending to make it so lame. That I can overlook...I think. *eye twitch*
All in all... this story is poorly written. Pathetic even. I seriously regret clicking on this as now my eyes are bleeding. Excuse me while I go bang my head against a wall and put myself out of my misery.
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October 5, 2006 at 12:00 AM
to anon above this anon review.
you are saying the author is stupid because you disagree with the pov?
Why dont you just flame some more and call her idiot and all kinds of nasty things then?
You try to put down other peoples stories and the way they write instead of helping them out.
Another thing, if you dont like the story why are you bothering with it? Just go on your merry way and read other peoples stories here.
If that's your thing, you should just do that. Other reviewers and readers are enjoying it, and you come along and start throwing flames and nasty words to put others down.
The authors already said its partly humour, and if you dont like it, why not just go away? No one making your eyes bleed, you yourself make your own eyes bleed. You have no one to blame but yourself.
The corny dialogue is for fun and everything else is for fun.
Either enjoy the story or move on, instead of putting other people down.
you are saying the author is stupid because you disagree with the pov?
Why dont you just flame some more and call her idiot and all kinds of nasty things then?
You try to put down other peoples stories and the way they write instead of helping them out.
Another thing, if you dont like the story why are you bothering with it? Just go on your merry way and read other peoples stories here.
If that's your thing, you should just do that. Other reviewers and readers are enjoying it, and you come along and start throwing flames and nasty words to put others down.
The authors already said its partly humour, and if you dont like it, why not just go away? No one making your eyes bleed, you yourself make your own eyes bleed. You have no one to blame but yourself.
The corny dialogue is for fun and everything else is for fun.
Either enjoy the story or move on, instead of putting other people down.
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October 5, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Hmm me thinks someone needs to take a chill pill, or get a hobby. I can understand if you don't like a story if it doesn't meet your tastes, but bashing it for no good reason aside from, "I don't like your humour"? That's so lame.
If you found it so distasteful and hard to read, why did you bother? Was it that difficult to hit the BACK button, or were you just itching for a bitchfest?
Either write something constructive in your review or just leave. Everyone would be better off for it.
If you found it so distasteful and hard to read, why did you bother? Was it that difficult to hit the BACK button, or were you just itching for a bitchfest?
Either write something constructive in your review or just leave. Everyone would be better off for it.
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October 5, 2006 at 12:00 AM
At last, finally, I'm all caught up today, hurruh :D. Hehe, now um, lets see, please excuse if this is a bit short, I'm pretty tired :o. First of all, you two make for a most interesting writing couple, your styles are quite different but complement nicely, a double helix of chapters, it's cool 8). Having said that, in its own right this was both interesting and fairly sexy. The mutating cock aspect I found a little, bizarre, but I know people have many and varied sexual tastes, so I won't knock it. The second part with Krauser and Ashley, well, you played the lust-enslaved slut role out for her sublimely, damn it was hot XD. In terms of advice I'd say, just on a few occasions, a little more elaboration might have helped, some of the big moments seemed to slip by a bit quick, such as the orgasm. The two of you have a thing going on there, one of you sometimes misses an opportunity to flesh out a high point, and the other occasionally overloads a situation with words. You're both writing great, but if you could just refine a shuffle towards each other, just a tiny bit, I think you'd both improve a step for it without losing your individual styles :). But this is merely attempted helpfullness and don't let it could the message that I found this a solid chapter ^^.
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October 4, 2006 at 12:00 AM
A sex scene where Krauser isn't a rapist?! Has that ever been done before?!?!?! I'm wowed!
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October 4, 2006 at 12:00 AM
OoO!! Ahg!!! (fall down)
>_< so hot!! hahaha
I'm doin' my works now, you wanna make me mad?? HAHAHA!! >w<
Ps. kick Ashley away!! 555!
>_< so hot!! hahaha
I'm doin' my works now, you wanna make me mad?? HAHAHA!! >w<
Ps. kick Ashley away!! 555!