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March 31, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Well, this is quite the interesting story.
Am i saying that out of pure arousal from the way you write this? That could be it... or maybe its the intellectual part of me that is applauding you for crafting this story with not only a sense of sex-crazed fucking, but a well developed fantasy including creations of your own make with well-developed paragraphs...?
No, i'm sure its the sex.
But seriously though, this is a fine piece of smut... i mean literature... is sex-themed work considered literature?
Am i saying that out of pure arousal from the way you write this? That could be it... or maybe its the intellectual part of me that is applauding you for crafting this story with not only a sense of sex-crazed fucking, but a well developed fantasy including creations of your own make with well-developed paragraphs...?
No, i'm sure its the sex.
But seriously though, this is a fine piece of smut... i mean literature... is sex-themed work considered literature?
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May 16, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Glad to hear you're not intending to major in English or Literature. The writing itself isn't so bad, but a few mistakes had me chuckling, facepalming, or just plain scratching my head wondering wtf they taught you in this HS biology you speak of.
A few notes about female sexuality and sex in general, in case you haven't already figured them out since writing this:
-I have no idea what cherry you're talking about. As a nursing student, I can assure you that this mystical hymen is nothing more than the opening of the vagina. Also, virgin amulet aside, I highly doubt Lara would have experienced much pain even if she'd never used a tampon in her life (which I highly doubt she hasn't)-- she's much too active to still have an intact hymen. Again, there is no "cherry" on the inside of the woman's body. The hymen is a just a word used to describe the unstretched-out skin around the vaginal opening, and with that in mind rock climbing, horseback riding, bike-riding (including motorcycles) and various other activities can easily stretch it out.
-While women climaxing from rape is not uncommon, it would be rare for her to have more than 3-4 in that sort of time period (Chapter 1). The average woman takes at least 20 minutes of direct stimulation to orgasm and (while that's not a big deal given your timeline) if she were being raped she would most likely take much longer than that. Then again, fear/humiliation/pain all do strange things to people, especially women, and so I'll let that slide a bit. But when you have sex, don't be surprised if it takes longer for her to finish than it does you.
-Why the hell would the semen get stuck inside her? Did she have one of those rare malfunctioning hymens that has to be broken by a doctor because it won't let anything out? How does she menstruate if so? Sorry, that definitely doesn't fly for me. If blood can come out of her uterus (and she doesn't seem the type to have any bizarre health problems like that, so I'm assuming it can) then semen should be able to come back out. Also, it wouldn't get stuck in her uterus. I dunno what kind of semen you're used to dealing with but for most men around 99% of it just slides right back out. The sperm themselves can travel into the uterus, but the semen (again, probably 99% of the other stuff that comes out) wouldn't stick around, hymen or not. Also consider that every time she was raped subsequently the hymen would break, so even if she DID have tons of semen inside her it would all come rushing out. *boggles* And again, it wouldn't necessarily be in her uterus, the cervix is TINY (the brush used for a pap smear is about a third the size of my pinky) and the hymen is at the very beginning of the vagina, so... I have no idea how she could possibly have that much semen in her. Too much logic fail for one brain. I can understand the appeal of the fetish, but anatomy fails make it more confusing than arousing IMO.
^^Just as a side note, pigs and boars DO insert their penises into the woman's cervix (cats, dogs, and humans definitely do not), and even though the cervix involuntarily holds most things in the semen does eventually leak out on its own over the course of a few days. If you need help figuring out a way to work out mechanics for having a woman obtain semen in her uterus for extended periods of time, shoot me an email and I'll try to help. Turns out years of anatomy and nursing classes comes in handy for writing smut. ;)
-It might help to look into cat penises before writing about them. Just saying. They have spikes that would dig into the vagina if Lara tried to push it off. Which isn't a bad idea, especially with the amulet. But cat penises are not like human penises, and it would be wise for you to research some of this stuff before writing about it. I know I'm guilty of not doing that myself, and with a topic like bestiality with a Jaguar that (I hope) next to no one would ever experience, you if you intend to write sex you REALLY need to understand the basics of female anatomy. I could let pretty much anything else slide, but your inexperience or lack of understanding with women was what killed it for me. :(
-Anal sex without lubrication is not going to arouse anyone and could give the guy friction burns. Better to have the girl (or person) go down on the person before they take her anally. I could see someone getting off from DP, but not without SOME sort of lube. Have you ever stuck three fingers up your arse, totally dry? Try it some time and see if it's arousing at all. And in real life you can do serious permanent damage with surprise butt sex-- I say that not so much for your future writing but for the sake of your future/current girlfriend.
However, those major issues aside, it was a relatively enjoyable read and you show potential. Trust me, I wouldn't be reviewing if I didn't think so (I could probably count on one hand the stories I've reviewed here on aff.net, and I've read hundreds). So do a little research about these things before you write them, or better yet get some hands on experience, and keep improving. Like I said, I definitely see potential. :) Also, the amulet as the reason she can do so many athletic things and fall and get better so quickly makes a lot of sense. It's a good idea.
It's also nice to see someone writing about things like bestiality and wild, kinky sex. I can't say I have complaints about your subject matter. :) I know this story is like 2 years old, so hopefully you've gotten more experience by now (and I may check for more stories of yours if you have!), but it really irks me when I see people with writing talent getting lazy with their research and sabotaging their own stories unintentionally.
I liked the Japan chapter! The serum was believable (for Tomb Raider!) and the sex scene seemed to be well-written. Sorry to seem flameish. Hopefully you've figured things out on your own by now, but you really do have potential and that is a rare thing. I hate to see it wasted with lack of knowledge. Take care.
A few notes about female sexuality and sex in general, in case you haven't already figured them out since writing this:
-I have no idea what cherry you're talking about. As a nursing student, I can assure you that this mystical hymen is nothing more than the opening of the vagina. Also, virgin amulet aside, I highly doubt Lara would have experienced much pain even if she'd never used a tampon in her life (which I highly doubt she hasn't)-- she's much too active to still have an intact hymen. Again, there is no "cherry" on the inside of the woman's body. The hymen is a just a word used to describe the unstretched-out skin around the vaginal opening, and with that in mind rock climbing, horseback riding, bike-riding (including motorcycles) and various other activities can easily stretch it out.
-While women climaxing from rape is not uncommon, it would be rare for her to have more than 3-4 in that sort of time period (Chapter 1). The average woman takes at least 20 minutes of direct stimulation to orgasm and (while that's not a big deal given your timeline) if she were being raped she would most likely take much longer than that. Then again, fear/humiliation/pain all do strange things to people, especially women, and so I'll let that slide a bit. But when you have sex, don't be surprised if it takes longer for her to finish than it does you.
-Why the hell would the semen get stuck inside her? Did she have one of those rare malfunctioning hymens that has to be broken by a doctor because it won't let anything out? How does she menstruate if so? Sorry, that definitely doesn't fly for me. If blood can come out of her uterus (and she doesn't seem the type to have any bizarre health problems like that, so I'm assuming it can) then semen should be able to come back out. Also, it wouldn't get stuck in her uterus. I dunno what kind of semen you're used to dealing with but for most men around 99% of it just slides right back out. The sperm themselves can travel into the uterus, but the semen (again, probably 99% of the other stuff that comes out) wouldn't stick around, hymen or not. Also consider that every time she was raped subsequently the hymen would break, so even if she DID have tons of semen inside her it would all come rushing out. *boggles* And again, it wouldn't necessarily be in her uterus, the cervix is TINY (the brush used for a pap smear is about a third the size of my pinky) and the hymen is at the very beginning of the vagina, so... I have no idea how she could possibly have that much semen in her. Too much logic fail for one brain. I can understand the appeal of the fetish, but anatomy fails make it more confusing than arousing IMO.
^^Just as a side note, pigs and boars DO insert their penises into the woman's cervix (cats, dogs, and humans definitely do not), and even though the cervix involuntarily holds most things in the semen does eventually leak out on its own over the course of a few days. If you need help figuring out a way to work out mechanics for having a woman obtain semen in her uterus for extended periods of time, shoot me an email and I'll try to help. Turns out years of anatomy and nursing classes comes in handy for writing smut. ;)
-It might help to look into cat penises before writing about them. Just saying. They have spikes that would dig into the vagina if Lara tried to push it off. Which isn't a bad idea, especially with the amulet. But cat penises are not like human penises, and it would be wise for you to research some of this stuff before writing about it. I know I'm guilty of not doing that myself, and with a topic like bestiality with a Jaguar that (I hope) next to no one would ever experience, you if you intend to write sex you REALLY need to understand the basics of female anatomy. I could let pretty much anything else slide, but your inexperience or lack of understanding with women was what killed it for me. :(
-Anal sex without lubrication is not going to arouse anyone and could give the guy friction burns. Better to have the girl (or person) go down on the person before they take her anally. I could see someone getting off from DP, but not without SOME sort of lube. Have you ever stuck three fingers up your arse, totally dry? Try it some time and see if it's arousing at all. And in real life you can do serious permanent damage with surprise butt sex-- I say that not so much for your future writing but for the sake of your future/current girlfriend.
However, those major issues aside, it was a relatively enjoyable read and you show potential. Trust me, I wouldn't be reviewing if I didn't think so (I could probably count on one hand the stories I've reviewed here on aff.net, and I've read hundreds). So do a little research about these things before you write them, or better yet get some hands on experience, and keep improving. Like I said, I definitely see potential. :) Also, the amulet as the reason she can do so many athletic things and fall and get better so quickly makes a lot of sense. It's a good idea.
It's also nice to see someone writing about things like bestiality and wild, kinky sex. I can't say I have complaints about your subject matter. :) I know this story is like 2 years old, so hopefully you've gotten more experience by now (and I may check for more stories of yours if you have!), but it really irks me when I see people with writing talent getting lazy with their research and sabotaging their own stories unintentionally.
I liked the Japan chapter! The serum was believable (for Tomb Raider!) and the sex scene seemed to be well-written. Sorry to seem flameish. Hopefully you've figured things out on your own by now, but you really do have potential and that is a rare thing. I hate to see it wasted with lack of knowledge. Take care.
schedule
February 3, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Great story man. I think my favourite chapter is Japan, if only for the fact that you have Lara walking around in that evening dress with 'the cum of 40 men and one jaguar' sloshing around inside her, and that ear-hole cumshot was pretty inspired too, lol. Personally, if I was going to write a porn version of this setup I'd have Nishimura double-cross Lara and offer her a spiked drink when she talks to him in his office. It would kick in just as she confronted Takamotoslowing down her reactions and allowing her to get caught, and the rest would pretty much write itself - maybe even have Nishimura and/or some of the civilian bystanders join in. I've got some ideas for Kazakhstan and England too, if you're stuck on them 5/5.
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December 27, 2008 at 12:00 AM
One thing that I am curious about, how long will all of that semen stay inside of Laura? If you plan on getting rid of it then you could have that done in the England chapter and use that mainly for story building.
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September 2, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Amazing story
You're an awesome Smut writer.
Love your work
You're an awesome Smut writer.
Love your work
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June 14, 2008 at 12:00 AM
A solution to the giant serpent problem has come to me inspired by the movie cloverfield- in the movie there are main monsters the size of buildings, however smaller insect-like creatures (the size of dogs) fall of them and attack people mainly in tunnels and buildings. You could have Lara kill the giant boss but have her to weak to avoid smaller creatures that break off from the larger serpent that have their way with her. This should work as you said this story is altered and fabricated as needed.
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May 27, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Intriguing...
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May 26, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Great story more desperately needed
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May 23, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Oh my god that kicked arse!
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May 22, 2008 at 12:00 AM
The torture and humiliation level is off the charts... keep it up.
Ideas for the story include:
Lara being tied to some kind of sex machine
Tentacle sex
Hallucinogenic venom
Lara/Amanda action
Electroshock treatment
Anal insertion
Demon sex, etc
Good story, you have a legitimate talent for this.
Ideas for the story include:
Lara being tied to some kind of sex machine
Tentacle sex
Hallucinogenic venom
Lara/Amanda action
Electroshock treatment
Anal insertion
Demon sex, etc
Good story, you have a legitimate talent for this.