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April 2, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Impressively gratuitous. I went from wondering how you got there to why everything of note self-lubricates to deciding to just ignore it in favour of reading through hot porn. Erm... I think this should be construed as a compliment within the constraints of the PWP genre and a note to point out the logic gap.
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July 18, 2006 at 12:00 AM
You are a good writer. Good enough to covnince me you have a serious interest in writing. Definitely in the upper tier as far as fanfiction writers.
It was hot, and that's clearly what you were going for. I also enjoyed the dialogue ... you were extremely precise with it. The descriptions and vocab were solid.
That being said, this narrative style would only work in fanfiction. You are writing the story from Phoenix's Point-of-view, yet the descriptions kinda jump from being wordy, romantic and, well, fanfiction-y. Could you really imagine Phoenix saying, "Breathless from waves of euphoria, my rhythmic thrusts grew fervid" .... ? Ignoring the act itself, that really doesn't sound like Phoenix.
But let me reiterate: Though that wouldn't work in a more serious piece of writing, it worked well in this fanfiction, which was PWP slash, while offering a peek at some real writing talent. Overall, great.
It was hot, and that's clearly what you were going for. I also enjoyed the dialogue ... you were extremely precise with it. The descriptions and vocab were solid.
That being said, this narrative style would only work in fanfiction. You are writing the story from Phoenix's Point-of-view, yet the descriptions kinda jump from being wordy, romantic and, well, fanfiction-y. Could you really imagine Phoenix saying, "Breathless from waves of euphoria, my rhythmic thrusts grew fervid" .... ? Ignoring the act itself, that really doesn't sound like Phoenix.
But let me reiterate: Though that wouldn't work in a more serious piece of writing, it worked well in this fanfiction, which was PWP slash, while offering a peek at some real writing talent. Overall, great.